So many have improved their marriages by using the Doyle techniques. But are these techniques inlign with what the Torah would advise us?
By a BCP Reader
We recently received this letter from a BCP reader after we published the post Are You Married to a Figment of Your Imagination? By Laura Doyle-trained relationship coach Chaya Juravel, who teaches the Doyle principles from a Torah perspective. Previously, we had recommended the book in this post.
From our reader:
I just wanted to share that I can honestly say that Laura Doyle book saved my marriage. For a few years I was going down this muddy path. I was getting stuck seeing all the negative things in my marriage and my spouse. It was as if we made a wrong turn and then couldn’t get back on the right track. Of course it was obvious; my husband was the one who was in the wrong. It was his lack of help, interest in the kids, or interest in me. I was becoming extremely needy but I couldn’t help it. The more I nagged and complained, he distanced himself more and more. I did everything that any desperate wife would do. I shared my feelings, I sought professional help, but it didn’t work. Then my sister-in-law recommended this book.
I read it. My reaction was, “What?! Is this for real? How does this work?” In the beginning it was a lot of hard work. I had to retrain my whole mindset of my role and how I look at my husband. But after seeing all the positive that was coming out of every tiny bit of effort, I realized, “Wow, this is brilliant.” Every time I noticed the slightest thing I would thank him. Soon I was really seeing all the good he was doing and really became grateful for it all. Not only I’m a healthier person emotionally but my marriage is on a place that I never imagined it would ever be. And my husband is truly a gift. It’s amazing how stuck we get on who’s right and the blame game (and for valid reasons!) My kids are happier too. When there is real shalom it affect the whole mishpacha. -A BCP Reader
So, are the Doyle principles consistent with Torah value? For the answers, you can see Sara Yocheved Rigler’s analysis on the topic in this article that appeared in AmiLiving magazine. Click here to see the article.
One of our readers commented that everything we need to know is in the Torah and we don’t need secular sources. And while that is true, it takes work to actually compile the sources where all the practical advice we need is in one book…and that’s what Leah Richeimer did while writing her book Marriage Secrets.
In Marriage Secrets, you’ll find some concepts that overlap backed by Torah source and mesorah.
Many feel Laura Doyle’s book is the clearest step by step approach on changing your marriage by changing yourself. However, you must always keep in mind that Hashem is in charge of shidduchim, and that all that happens to us is directly from Him.
For more on the topic, see this post on How to Win Your Husband’s Love.
EDITED: Read the comments below for some additional perspectives and clarity on the topic.