Everything You Need to Know When Visiting a Cemetery

Planning a trip to kivrei tzaddikim or visiting a kever on a yahrtzeit?

If you plan to visit a kever and want to understand what’s appropriate when visiting a cemetery, here’s a guide that breaks it all down simply and clearly.

How Do I Daven at a Grave?

Tefillos should always be directed to Hashem. You’re not speaking to the person buried there. You can, however, daven that your tefillos be accepted in their merit. Some do allow asking the niftar to intercede on your behalf, but even then, your requests are to Hashem, not to the niftar.

Proper Conduct

Respect and reverence must be maintained when visiting a cemetery. One should not eat or drink while there.

Be careful not to step on graves, or lean or sit on gravestones. If the cemetery is crowded and it’s impossible to avoid, it’s permitted to walk over graves when passing through, to reach another grave.

The Halachah of Lo’eg Larash (Not Mocking the Dead)

Halachah teaches that one should avoid performing mitzvos right next to a grave, so as not to “mock” the niftarim who can no longer do mitzvos themselves. For example, one should tuck in their tzitzis when walking through a cemetery. Learning Mishnayos, saying Tehillim or davening is allowed as it is for the benefit of the niftar. 

Some Common Customs:

One should not read the inscription on a tombstone, as it is said to cause forgetfulness in Torah learning. This concern mainly applies when the letters are raised above the surface of the stone. If the letters are engraved into the stone, many poskim permit reading them. The accepted opinion is that this applies specifically to men, and not to women.

Some have the minhag to light a candle at the kever when visiting the cemetery.

There are different minhagim when it comes to which perakim of Tehillim are said. Some of the most commonly recited ones are 16, 17, 23, 91, 121, and 130. Another minhag is to say the pesukim in Perek 119 that spell out the niftar’s name, along with the letters that spell neshamah (נשמה). 

Some have a minhag to circle the grave. 

Some have the custom of placing a small stone or some grass on the matzeivah. This is a sign of respect to show that you visited. Some have the custom to pick up a bit of earth or grass, toss it over their shoulder, and say “זכור כי עפר אנחנו”. It is not our minhag to place flowers at a grave. 

Before leaving the grave, many place their left hand on the grave and say specific pesukim. Some also kiss the matzeivah. 

As per the tzava’ah Rav Yehudah Hachassid, we do not visit the same kever twice in one day. 

After leaving the cemetery the custom is to wash the hands three times, alternating between the right and left hand, 

When sharing a washing cup, don’t pass it. Put it down and let the next person pick it up.

After washing, the minhag is to pour out any leftover water and turn the cup upside down. Even if the cup is empty or someone is waiting to use it, many still turn it over.

Some have the minhag not to dry their hands afterward. If it’s cold or uncomfortable, you may dry them. 

Who Should Refrain from Visiting Cemeteries

A man who is tamei keri should ideally go to the mikveh before entering a cemetery, unless he stays four amos (around six feet) away from the graves. Some say that one who is visiting the graves of tzaddikim, or the graves of his parents, does not need to worry about this. If mikveh isn’t possible, one can take a shower as long as nine kav pours over the body. 

A woman who is tamei niddah should avoid entering a cemetery unless she stays at least four amos away from the graves. Many poskim allow her to visit during the shivah yemei neki’im. If necessary, for example if she wants to be there on a yahrtzeit, or it would be hard to return another time, she may go. This is also the basis for the practice in girls’ schools to allow all students to join trips to kivrei tzaddikim.

Some say that pregnant women should avoid entering a cemetery unless they keep four amos away from the graves. However, visiting kivrei tzaddikim is generally permitted (if she can avoid getting too close to other graves). Others write that there is no such concern at all, and a pregnant woman may visit a cemetery without any restrictions.

The Best Books for Dealing with Grief (for Therapists, Kids, and Adults)

by Sarah Rivkah is the Founder & Director of Links & Shlomie’s Club, an organization serving children & teens who lost a parent.