As the woman of the house, you can declutter. There’s a solution if your husband or your children are not on board.
I know we’re talking about Pesach cleaning a bit early, but honestly, now is the perfect time to start decluttering. These quieter months are the perfect time to get your home in order!
Around this time of year, I always get the same question:
“But Ellie… my husband isn’t interested in decluttering.”
Okay. Great.
Because this actually has nothing to do with your husband. Or anyone else in the house whose stuff might be getting in your way.
The Biggest Rule of Frum Minimalism
This is the biggest rule of Frum Minimalism.
The biggest!
We may never, ever declutter other people’s things.
When I give workshops and classes, I literally make everyone say this out loud together, so I know they heard it and internalized it:
We may never, ever declutter other people’s things.
Say it out loud!
Not your husband’s.
Not your kids’.
Not anyone’s.
So What DoWe Do If Our Husbands Aren’t Interested?
Here’s the process. It’s simple, and it works.
Step one:
We deal with our own things first.
As the women of the house, we start with ourselves.
Step two:
Then we move to shared spaces:
– the living room
– the dining room
– the kitchen
– shared bathrooms
In these spaces, we’re allowed to declutter and organize, because they belong to everyone.
And we make it very clear to the family that shared spaces have rules, and those rules need to be respected.
Creating a Clearly Defined Space for Your Husband
Next step:
We create a clearly defined space, within reason, for your husband’s things.
If he cooks, give him one or two cabinets in the kitchen where all his tools and interesting gadgets live. (Same applies for teenagers.)
If he likes to lounge in the living room and has books, slippers, or random things he uses, create a basket for him.
Label it clearly:
“Husband’s Things.”
This way, his things have a home, and they’re not floating all over the room.
What About the Bedroom?
Same rule applies.
When you’re organizing your bedroom, do not touch his side of the closet.
Not even a little.
If his things are floating around the bedroom, you do the same thing:
You create a clearly labeled bin or box:
“Husband’s Things.”
Any time his things are left out, you place them there.
You do not:
– touch his closet
– get rid of his shoes
– decide what he needs or doesn’t need
Ever.
Why This Works
The most important thing here is respect.
Your family, and especially your husband, has to understand that:
– you respect their possessions
– you will never declutter their things
– shared spaces still need to function
Trust me. I’ve been doing this long enough to say this confidently:
Every husband eventually joins in.
Not because they were pushed.
Not because they were forced.
But because they see the benefits:
– for you
– for the home
– for the family as a whole
Happy Decluttering!
What about adult and teenage children? I don’t have time to wait till they are married and out of the house to finally recognize and understand the benefits of declutterring
Why do they have so much stuff to begin with? You’re the one paying for it and bringing it into the house.
You can have a one in one out policy or say you’re not buying more until they donate things they aren’t using. Its much easier to stop bringing in things you dont really need than to get rid of them after. Be intentional about what you buy. Take an hour or two and get rid of things they arent using before you bring in more.
You are the adult here. You make the rules. You can be kind about it but firm.
Oh I love this question. You are 100 percent right.
We are the adults here. We are the ones bringing most of these items into the home, and part of being a responsible adult and parent is being intentional about what we allow in. It is much easier to not LET IT INTO OUR HOME BEFORE something enters the home than to try to get rid of it later.
I totally agree with having clear family rules, , such as a one-in, one-out rule… I teach all about this. . This is not about being harsh. It is about teaching.( i can’t bold things in the comment, but I would bold the word TEACHING.)
Our job is not just to give our children things. Our job is to raise them to become capable adults who know how to manage their belongings and their lives.
At the same time, like you said, this must be done with kindness and respect. We should not suddenly throw things away behind their backs or create fear around their possessions. Instead, we do it with them. We guide them. We help them build their decluttering muscles slowly, so they become comfortable evaluating what they use and what they do not.
This is part of chinuch.
We are raising children who will one day run their own homes. Teaching them how to live with intention, how to avoid excess, and how to let go of what they no longer need is one of the greatest gifts we can give them.
Warmly, Ellie
My adult kids & teens bring the stuff in on their own. I don’t buy it for them. My adult kids because they are adults & my teenager gets the stuff (aka “merch”) from camp or school
Most of the time I or my husband don’t even pay for it. Directly at least. The adult kids very often pay wit their own money & like I mentioned above my teenager gets it from camp or school.
Hi Devorah! This is such a great question!
No, you absolutely should not wait until your children are married and out of the house to begin teaching and living these values.
Decluttering is not just about the stuff. It is a life skill. Just like we teach our children to say please and thank you, to clean up after themselves, and to take responsibility, we also need to teach them how to recognize when something has served its purpose and how to let it go.
This is part of raising capable, resilient adults.
When children grow up learning how to let go of physical items, they are also building the internal muscle of letting go in general. They learn not to cling to things out of fear or habit. They learn to evaluate what truly adds value to their lives. This ability carries over into so many areas, including how they handle disappointment, relationships, and emotional growth. They become people who can move forward instead of staying stuck.
At the same time, when children are teenagers or adults, there is an additional layer of respect that must exist. Their belongings are theirs. Our role shifts from deciding for them to guiding, modeling, and setting clear expectations within the shared home.
What this looks like practically is that you continue to maintain high standards for the shared spaces in your home. Shared areas should remain clean and tidy!. That is not negotiable. But their personal spaces and personal belongings require a more r collaborative approach.
You are not waiting passively. You are actively teaching, modeling, and creating an environment where these values are normal.
This is a very nuanced topic, and it is something I teach much more deeply in my classes, because the goal is not just to have a tidy home today. The goal is to raise children who know how to live with clarity, responsibility, and emotional strength for the rest of their lives. (ladies, read the last line again!)
Warmly,
Ellie
homes dont ususally run on rules. teenagers are totally not interested in doing a new one in new one out. they are doing it their way. i love organizing but my mother always always tought me the ‘dont touch/ organize/ throw out other ppls things in the house’ and i am so happy she ingrained that in me, bec it creates so much tense!
What can I say, it’s a different generation of permissive parenting. That would not have worked my mothers house or grandmother’s house. I am not saying touch people stuff (we never did that) but mothers are allowed to have rules and enforce them. We are raising a coddled generation and it has consequences.
Hi:)
My students and anyone that goes through my programs know very clearly that this is not about coddling children. It is about raising capable, responsible adults.
Respecting their personal space does not mean there are no rules. It means there is mutual respect.
They respect the home. They respect the shared spaces. They respect the standards of the family. And in return, their personal space is respected too.
This is not permissive parenting. This is intentional parenting.
We are teaching them ownership. We are teaching them responsibility. We are teaching them how to manage their own lives, not depend on someone else to come in with a garbage bag, or windex and a rag, and reset everything for them.
Because one day, no one will be there to do that.
The goal is not to control them forever. The goal is to raise adults who know how to maintain their own homes, their own spaces, and their own lives.
That is not coddling. That is chinuch.
Warmly,
Ellie
Hi 🙂
I agree with part of what you’re saying, and I also want to add an important distinction.
You are absolutely right that we should not touch, organize, or throw out other people’s personal belongings without their permission, especially as they get older. Your mother is very, very right. That builds trust and respect, and it prevents a lot of tension in the home.
At the same time, homes absolutely do run on rules. Every healthy home should.
Children and teenagers live within a structure that the parents create. For example, it is completely appropriate to have clear expectations such as keeping shared spaces tidy, not leaving personal items all over the home, or not bringing food into bedrooms. Shared spaces belong to the family, and parents can and should make the rules in those spaces.
Their personal bedrooms, however, are different. Those spaces belong to them. Our role there is not to control, but to teach, guide, and model. We can help them go through their things kindly and patiently, helping them build the skill of letting go. But it should be done with them, not to them or for them.
At the same time, even their personal spaces have basic guardrails. For example, it is completely reasonable to have rules such as no food left in rooms, nothing that attracts bugs, and nothing that damages the home like slime, paint, or other messy things. When those boundaries are clear, they learn that their space is respected.
And in return, you respect it too. You, or your cleaning lady, are not going in secretly with a garbage bag, Windex, and a rag and throwing everything out. You are not snooping or taking over their space.
I go further and teach that children and teenagers should be responsible for maintaining their own spaces. They can clean and organize their rooms, clean their bathrooms, change their linens, and yes, even do their own laundry. These are life skills.
This is how we raise adults who can run peaceful, functional homes of their own one day IYH.
Warmly,
Ellie
Designate a space for child’s things. Rule is keep what you want as long as it fits in the space
It’s not my stuff that is creating clutter, it’s my kids. If you’re not allowed to throw out their things how does that work?? I should save every project and piece of junk they bring home? I give my kids a few bins to keep their prizes and stuff in. My rule is that if it doesn’t fit they have to throw out something to make room for more. If I see they’re not keeping to this rule I will go thru their things and throw out what I think isn’t important enough to save. I’ve been doing this for years and honestly they never even know what I threw out! This is the only way to keep my home neat and organized.
Going through their stuff with them would teach them the important skill of letting go of the things they don’t need anymore. I do this periodically with my kids and they often get rid of more than I would have. They can see the reality of the space they have and make smart choices, while learning to declutter on their own eventually.
Hi 🙂
I love your name! I hate clutter too lol!
A huge part of what I teach is that kids should be very comfortable throwing things away. We need to make our kids friends with the garbage can.
(bold that line and read it again!)
They come home every week with papers, prizes, and projects, and most of it is not meant to be kept forever. They should get used to throwing the majority of it away. Because if everything is special, nothing is special. (REad that again too! Its a line i say ALL THE TIME.)
At the same time, they can have one defined bin for their prizes and truly meaningful things. That bin creates a healthy boundary. When it starts overflowing, we sit with them and go through it together. We DO NOT buy a new bigger bin!
The key is that we do it with them, not behind their back. We are not secretly going in with a garbage bag and throwing things out. That breaks trust. Instead, we are teaching them the skill of being ok with getting rid of stuff:)
Warmly,
Ellie
I can’t declutter my younger kids stuff?? The article should probably mention an age. If I let my 4 year old be in charge of her “stuff”, I wouldn’t have space for anything else! My 7-11 year olds declutter with me so they will know how to do it when they’re older. We set a date way in advance so they know it’s coming. Even if they don’t want to. I agree with don’t touch your husband’s stuff. Ever.
Hi 🙂
This is such an important question, and there absolutely is an age component.
With very young children, like a 4-year-old, you are still the parent and you are still in charge. Frum Minimalism does not mean a 4-year-old runs the house. It means you are teaching them, slowly and appropriately, how to manage their things.
At that age, you are the one controlling the inflow. You decide how much comes into the home. You decide how many toys they have. And you guide the outflow too. You can sit with them and say, “Let’s pick the toys you love the most,” and help them get rid of the rest. You are not asking permission. You are teaching the skill.
As children get older, like your 7–11 year olds, it becomes much more collaborative. What you’re doing by decluttering with them by building their decluttering muscles so they will know how to do this on their own one day.
The goal is gradual ownership.
When they are very young, you lead.
As they grow, you guide.
Eventually, they take full responsibility.
At every age, the parent still sets the boundaries of the home. You decide how much space is available. You decide the containers. The container is the limit. If it doesn’t fit, something has to leave. If you have a smaller home, the limits will have to be a lot smaller.
Warmly,
Ellie
This is such an important question, and there absolutely is an age component.
With very young children, like a 4-year-old, you are still the parent and you are still in charge. Frum Minimalism does not mean a 4-year-old runs the house. It means you are teaching them, slowly and appropriately, how to manage their things.
At that age, you are the one controlling the inflow. You decide how much comes into the home. You decide how many toys they have. And you guide the outflow too. You can sit with them and say, “Let’s pick the toys you love the most,” and help them get rid of the rest. You are not asking permission. You are teaching the skill.
As children get older, like your 7–11 year olds, it becomes much more collaborative. What you’re doing by decluttering with them by building their decluttering muscles so they will know how to do this on their own one day.
The goal is gradual ownership.
When they are very young, you lead.
As they grow, you guide.
Eventually, they take full responsibility.
At every age, the parent still sets the boundaries of the home. You decide how much space is available. You decide the containers. The container is the limit. If it doesn’t fit, something has to leave. If you have a smaller home, the limits will have to be a lot smaller.
Warmly,
Ellie
Hi 🙂
Most of us who hate cleaning don’t actually hate cleaning. We hate the overwhelm.
And the overwhelm is almost always coming from the clutter.
What I explain in my programs is that about two-thirds of cleaning is not actually cleaning. It is picking up clutter, moving clutter, cleaning around clutter, and then putting the clutter back. That is exhausting. Anyone would hate that.
When you significantly declutter, most of that work disappears. Now you’re just wiping the counter, sweeping the floor. BAM! Done! You actually cut your cleaning by AT LEAST two-thirds!
I always teach that if the home feels overwhelming to you, of course it feels overwhelming to your kids too. But once the home is calm and manageable, everyone in the family can and should contribute to keeping it tidy.
This is a huge part of what I teach. Remove the clutter first, and then everyone can and should contribute to maintaining the home.
The goal of every woman who goes through my program is that her home reset should take no more than 20 minutes a day. And this is possible because, even if her home is large, everyone is responsible for their own things, and the level of clutter is very minimal.
Warmly,
Ellie
Any tips if I myself HATE cleaning and decluttering and get extremely overhwhelmed whenever I want to start?
I don’t want to raise my kids with a ‘cleaning anxiety’ but that’s currently where I’m holding!
read the book decluttering at the speed of life. its incredible for people who have a hard time starting, or like to hold on to things
I second and third and quadruple that recommendation!!! DECLUTTERING AT THE SPEED OF LIFE by Dana White. Decluttering & organizing for people who are NOT naturally organized. This author GETS it, on a very personal level.
Hi 🙂
Most of us who hate cleaning don’t actually hate cleaning. We hate the overwhelm.
And the overwhelm is almost always coming from the clutter.
What I explain in my programs and book, Frum Minimalism, is that about two-thirds of cleaning is not actually cleaning. It is picking up clutter, moving clutter, cleaning around clutter, and then putting the clutter back. That is exhausting. Anyone would hate that.
When you significantly declutter, most of that work disappears. Now you’re just wiping the counter. Sweeping the floor. Boom! Done! You actually cut your cleaning by AT LEAST two-thirds!
I always teach that if the home feels overwhelming to you, of course it feels overwhelming to your kids too. But once the home is calm and manageable, everyone in the family can and should contribute to keeping it tidy.
This is a huge part of what I teach. Remove the clutter first, and then everyone can and should contribute to maintaining the home.
The goal of every woman who goes through my program is that her home reset should take no more than 20 minutes a day. And this is possible because, even if her home is large, everyone is responsible for their own things, and the level of clutter is very minimal.
Warmly,
Ellie
Hi 🙂
Most of us who hate cleaning don’t actually hate cleaning. We hate the overwhelm.
And the overwhelm is almost always coming from the clutter.
What I explain in my programs is that about two-thirds of cleaning is not actually cleaning. It is picking up clutter, moving clutter, cleaning around clutter, and then putting the clutter back. That is exhausting. Anyone would hate that.
When you significantly declutter, most of that work disappears. Now you’re just wiping the counter, sweeping the floor. BAM! Done! You actually cut your cleaning by AT LEAST two-thirds!
I always teach that if the home feels overwhelming to you, of course it feels overwhelming to your kids too. But once the home is calm and manageable, everyone in the family can and should contribute to keeping it tidy.
This is a huge part of what I teach. Remove the clutter first, and then everyone can and should contribute to maintaining the home.
The goal of every woman who goes through my program is that her home reset should take no more than 20 minutes a day. And this is possible because, even if her home is large, everyone is responsible for their own things, and the level of clutter is very minimal.
Warmly,
Ellie