Those dealing with secondary infertility have a unique challenge. These are tips from someone who has been there.
It’s a rough juggling.
You’re running a blessedly busy household. You are also emotionally depleted from your fertility treatments. You also feel so alone. But remember there are so many other women dealing with this. Here are some tips to ease this difficult journey-
1. Make room for all emotions.
Yes, you have a healthy child/ children. In that sense you won the lottery. Such a gift from Hashem! (And who appreciates it more than someone going through this journey?) So yeah, you don’t want to forget about your blessings. And enjoy your precious blessings! At the same time, make space to feel the difficulty of what you are going through.
2. Accept that there is the pain.
I was once talking to Rabbi Shlomo Bochnor, founder of Bonei Olam, about secondary infertility. “But those couples do have so much brocha!” I protested.
“Pain is pain,” he replied.
It is painful to be young and wonder will I ever have another child? It is painful to wait and wait for so many years. It is painful to experience crushing disappointments yet again. It is painful to watch everyone else having babies while your “baby” is starting pre1A. It is painful to be on the receiving end of hurtful comments.
Know this: all of your feelings are legitimate; don’t feel guilty about any of them. Ride the waves of emotion. In difficult moments, tell yourself, tomorrow the sun will come out again and I will feel better. And you will.
3. Build your reserves of emunah.
Fertility treatment is physically, emotionally, and financially draining. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Connect to Hashem. Work on your emunah from the get-go to build up reserves. Find a sefer, or a shiur that resonates with you. (My personal favorites include: The Artscroll Shar Habitochon, Gateways to Prayer (Rav Shimson Pinkus), and the Living Emunah series.)
Try not to let a day go by without learning emunah. Unfortunately there are many women who get the “I’m so sorry, it didn’t work” call from the doctor. It’s your blood, sweat, and tears. It’s your depleted savings. It’s very hard. If you’ve been consistently working on your emunah, you will have a frame of reference to deal with it, and it becomes bearable.
4. Get a support system.
I’m all for dignity and privacy. Still, you can’t do this alone. You need support. Connect to someone else (or better yet, a few friends) who are also going through it. You need to talk to someone who gets it. You need to vent to an understanding friend. Especially in the case of a failed treatment, you need support.
It is also helpful to have someone to turn to for practical help and advice. Some women even decide to say something to their employers (keeping it very vague). This gives them breathing space to come and go without raising too many questions.
5. Strategically time your appointments.
The early morning appointments are rough any way you cut it. I’ve tried all sorts of time slots. Some women go as late as possible and then head straight off to work. Some women don’t want the kids to know about the appointments. Personally, I’ve found it the easiest to go super early. (Like in the middle of the night early.) This lets me beat the long waits and get out quickly. I arrive back home while everyone is still sleeping and crawl back into bed. My husband starts the morning while I sleep in a bit. This way I wake up refreshed feeling like the appointment was a bad dream.
6. Take it easy.
Pamper yourself and take it super easy. Use every shortcut in the book. Buy take out. For that matter, stop and buy yourself lunch. (Every single day if it makes you feel better!) You deserve it! If you can, this is a great time to buy a new sheitel or something very special to really perk you up and distract you.
7. Keep your eyes on the finish line.
It’s very hard. But at the same time, remember you are part of an exclusive club which includes Sarah, Rivka and Rochel Imeinu. This nisayon brings you closer to Hashem. (Hey, I’m allowed to say this because I’ve been there and done this a couple times 😉 And then, when you reach the finish line, you will experience an exclusive joy that one who has never waited for something cannot comprehend. It is the exceptional happiness of being blessed with something that you wanted and prayed for so badly.
Wow I needed this so badly, thank you
Thank you for this! Dealing with this now. Don’t know where to turn
Amazing post! What an important topic and kol hakavod to BCP for posting it! Please please do more on this including posts related to PIF so the many people who are suffering can come onto BCP and feel supported and understood!!
I really appreciated this post. Thank you!
Kudos BCP for allowing this post! Thank you for giving a voice to those going through this challenge
Wow wow thank you thank you!!!! We need more posts about it! Was really validating from someone that’s in it
As someone currently going through treatments for secondary infertility, I feel so validated with this post. It is a unique and challenging nisayon- and I often feel so alone. Thanks for bringing up this topic!
Thank you BCP for this important post. If anyone would like to join, this posy motivated me to create a support group for those of us going through secondary infertility. Please email sifchizzuk@gmail.com to be included.
Thank you so much!
Please post more on this topic!
Ty for this much needed article!! We need support for those of us building families through ivf for genetic reasons as well
Yes I agree! I’m going through this right now and have no-one to speak to! Wish I would know of a support group for this
have you tried looking on the ATime Forums?
Try I Was Supposed to Have A Baby for genetic reasons
Wow this was articulated so incredibly well! It is truly a most grueling, intense, draining, and challenging situation to experience. It’s not something anyone ever dreams they will have to deal with. I was thrown into it and was extremely naive, thinking “we got this!” -It’s a treatment cycle and then you are finished! Unfortunately that’s wasn’t the case for me and the majority of people experiencing infertility. I think it’s hard to truly fathom how challenging the nisayon is. These tips are all excellent and so so necessary! One thing that I found is so important is to spend fun & relaxing time with my husband. There is so much intensity, heavy conversations, hard decisions, and crushing disappointments that a couple experiences together during this tekufah. Taking time to laugh, relax, and have fun is so crucial to keeping your sanity and maintaining (as much as possible) a positive attitude -it’s is the only way to make it through. Hashem should bentch everyone experiencing this nisayon with a yeshuah bikarov!!
wow thank you! its so good to know that i’m not alone. my baby is starting 1st grade!
Love this! And everything u post! Thank you!
Thank you so much for writing about SIF. I feel like it’s a very misunderstood nisayon and it’s nice to hear from others who understand us.
Yes I agree! I’m going through this right now and have no-one to speak to! Wish I would know of a support group for this
This post has inspired me to start a support group. Please email sifchizzuk@gmail.com to be added to the list!
Bh im holding my beautiful miracle baby after 8 long years, EMUNAH is the power tool to get through this nothing else so well written
Thank you so much for this! Just what I needed. My “baby” starting first grade too. It’s a lonely journey.
Wow. There is so much out there on pif and after reading those articles I would feel completely invalidated. If bcp can keep such discussion open would be amazing! Thank you!
Wow mi kamcha yisroel!
I love how this supportive conversation is going!
Wow!
Hashem should help everyone in their own personal nisyonos.
Kudos to BCP!
A time organization has support group specific for secondary infertility (As well as 1 time )contact them You’ll be happy you did 718 686-8912
Would love a support group for those specifically going through PGD. It’s so hard knowing that you can have children, but for genetic reasons you need to do IVF, and everyone thinks that you have SIF, but you are actually preventing natural pregnancy bc you don’t want (another) a child with a genetic syndrome. It’s so isolating.
Hi,
Thanks for the post.
Not sure if this is the right place to post this. I would like to initiate a support group for singles going through infertility, which is also unfortunately and isolating and lonely time. With no partner/spouse to share the pain with. Please send an email to
myfriendships.co@gmail.com
Thank you.
B’soros Toives!
Thank you, BCP, for this post!
It’s so great to see this important topic being discussed.
I was surprised to see so many posts about IVF for genetic reasons.
I’m going through the same thing, and I felt like I was the only one.
It feels like it’s even more secretive and taboo than “regular” IVF.
I really wish there was a way to connect with other women like me.
hi thanks, i am only starting my journey as my baby is starting pre 1 a this is so refreshing and helpful