Those dealing with secondary infertility have a unique challenge. These are tips from someone who has been there.
It’s a rough juggling.
You’re running a blessedly busy household. You are also emotionally depleted from your fertility treatments. You also feel so alone. But remember there are so many other women dealing with this. Here are some tips to ease this difficult journey-
1. Make room for all emotions.
Yes, you have a healthy child/ children. In that sense you won the lottery. Such a gift from Hashem! (And who appreciates it more than someone going through this journey?) So yeah, you don’t want to forget about your blessings. And enjoy your precious blessings! At the same time, make space to feel the difficulty of what you are going through.
2. Accept that there is the pain.
I was once talking to Rabbi Shlomo Bochnor, founder of Bonei Olam, about secondary infertility. “But those couples do have so much brocha!” I protested.
“Pain is pain,” he replied.
It is painful to be young and wonder will I ever have another child? It is painful to wait and wait for so many years. It is painful to experience crushing disappointments yet again. It is painful to watch everyone else having babies while your “baby” is starting pre1A. It is painful to be on the receiving end of hurtful comments.
Know this: all of your feelings are legitimate; don’t feel guilty about any of them. Ride the waves of emotion. In difficult moments, tell yourself, tomorrow the sun will come out again and I will feel better. And you will.
3. Build your reserves of emunah.
Fertility treatment is physically, emotionally, and financially draining. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Connect to Hashem. Work on your emunah from the get-go to build up reserves. Find a sefer, or a shiur that resonates with you. (My personal favorites include: The Artscroll Shar Habitochon, Gateways to Prayer (Rav Shimson Pinkus), and the Living Emunah series.)
Try not to let a day go by without learning emunah. Unfortunately there are many women who get the “I’m so sorry, it didn’t work” call from the doctor. It’s your blood, sweat, and tears. It’s your depleted savings. It’s very hard. If you’ve been consistently working on your emunah, you will have a frame of reference to deal with it, and it becomes bearable.
4. Get a support system.
I’m all for dignity and privacy. Still, you can’t do this alone. You need support. Connect to someone else (or better yet, a few friends) who are also going through it. You need to talk to someone who gets it. You need to vent to an understanding friend. Especially in the case of a failed treatment, you need support.
It is also helpful to have someone to turn to for practical help and advice. Some women even decide to say something to their employers (keeping it very vague). This gives them breathing space to come and go without raising too many questions.
5. Strategically time your appointments.
The early morning appointments are rough any way you cut it. I’ve tried all sorts of time slots. Some women go as late as possible and then head straight off to work. Some women don’t want the kids to know about the appointments. Personally, I’ve found it the easiest to go super early. (Like in the middle of the night early.) This lets me beat the long waits and get out quickly. I arrive back home while everyone is still sleeping and crawl back into bed. My husband starts the morning while I sleep in a bit. This way I wake up refreshed feeling like the appointment was a bad dream.
6. Take it easy.
Pamper yourself and take it super easy. Use every shortcut in the book. Buy take out. For that matter, stop and buy yourself lunch. (Every single day if it makes you feel better!) You deserve it! If you can, this is a great time to buy a new sheitel or something very special to really perk you up and distract you.
7. Keep your eyes on the finish line.
It’s very hard. But at the same time, remember you are part of an exclusive club which includes Sarah, Rivka and Rochel Imeinu. This nisayon brings you closer to Hashem. (Hey, I’m allowed to say this because I’ve been there and done this a couple times 😉 And then, when you reach the finish line, you will experience an exclusive joy that one who has never waited for something cannot comprehend. It is the exceptional happiness of being blessed with something that you wanted and prayed for so badly.
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