Gifts of a Different Kind

These are the gifts that mean more than most others

With Chanukah just around the corner, many of us are consumed with the project of gift giving. We’ve discussed before whether or not Chanukah gifts are a minhag yisrael or chukas hagoyim. We can also discuss the pros and cons of Chaunkah gifts for children from a chinuch perspective, the value of giving gifts to service providers as hakaros hatov specifically at this time of year.

But for now, since so many of us are in the gift giving mode, I would like to provide you, dear readers, a gift guide. The gifts on my list won’t have you refinancing your house, bewailing the rising gashmiyus of our generation or even stepping into a toy store. And even if you are vehemently opposed to giving Chanukah gifts of any kind, I am sure you will find this list entirely uncontroversial and unobjectionable.   

Not all of these work for everyone, but I hope you can find at least one for each person on your list. 

Gift of Time

A dear friend of mine reflected on the busy nature of the lives of so many women in our community. She was sick in bed, and had several wonderful friends bringing over chicken soup and other such culinary medicines. And while she was so grateful for their thoughtfulness, she was still lonely and sad, as each friend dropped off their offering with a warm, heartfelt, but rushed ‘refuah shelaimah’. “I wish I’d gotten a little less chicken soup and a little bit more time,” she admitted. This was years ago, but I haven’t forgotten those words. It’s a reminder to me of how important it is to make time for others, and sometimes that is the greatest gift we can give them. We are all busy, but perhaps we can carve out some quality time to spend with those in our lives who can use it.

Of course, no one is more deserving or needing of this gift than our own children. It’s the scourge of our generation that we give our children so much “stuff”, until they are drowning in toys and gadgets and brand names, but so little time. This is not to blame, as often the limited time is not our fault but due to large families, many obligations and too few hours in the day in which to dispense with them. Being conscious of this, though, can help us find the time for the most precious people in our lives. We can spend this time just doing activities together, taking walks, going on outings, or even just simply shmoozing, employing another great gift: the gift of eye contact. 

Gift of Acceptance

One of the greatest gifts we can give our friends, neighbors and relatives is the gift of accepting them for who they are. We can make them feel welcome in our cliques and circles even if they aren’t wearing the right clothing, aren’t speaking with the right accent or possessing the right nuance or kneitch that allows them free entry into the club of our own making. Instead of looking down our noses at anyone a little different or, excuse my language “weird”, we can stretch our box out a little bit so that they too can fit in. 

Gift of Forgiveness

We tend to give gifts to those we feel warmly toward, but sometimes it is those with whom we are on the outs who need our gifts the most. If you are in a rift, whether a fiery machlokes, a mild disagreement or something in between, consider doing the herculean inner work entailed in mustering up true forgiveness.

If the person who wronged you has asked for forgiveness, and you have heretofore refused to grant it because the hurt is too great and the pain is too deep, your task is to work on overcoming that hurt, on recognizing where it comes from and acknowledging that they regret their actions. If the person hasn’t asked for forgiveness, hasn’t acknowledged their role in your pain, forgiveness might be harder to grant. But that doesn’t have to stop you altogether. Even if the other party hasn’t done their part, you can still do yours. You can work on forgiving even when they don’t deserve it. You don’t necessarily have to tell them this, and they may never know you have forgiven them if they don’t ask for it, but you will still have achieved something special.  

For the beauty of this gift, you will find that more than you have benefitted its recipient, you have benefitted yourself by removing the heavy burden of a grudge from your heart. 

And of course, if you have any culpability in this machlokes, you can reach out first to apologize and ask forgiveness, which is a precious gift of its own. 

You can take the gift of forgiveness a step further as well, and merge it with the gift of acceptance and understanding. You can forgive people not for things they’ve necessarily done wrong, not for their part in a machlokes, but more for who they are and how that clashes with what you need them to be. You can forgive your mother for not being there for you emotionally as a child in the ways you wished she would be; you can forgive your neighbor for making you feel incompetent with her subtle comments and effortless class. They may never know you’ve forgiven them, because they’ve never known what negativity  they have contributed to your life, but you have granted them, and more importantly yourself, a gift. 

Gift of Empathy

When someone is going through a difficult challenge in ife, that challenge is often compounded hundredsfold by the feelings of loneliness that accompanies it. So many times, they suffer alone, feeling like there is no one in the world who can understand and relate, no one who can feel their pain. If you can take a moment to put yourself into someone else’s world, whether because you have already been there and know what they are going through, or even if you have never personally experienced this challenge but you can vividly imagine and feel their pain as if you have, you are giving them a great gift. Sit with them in their pain, and help them feel a little bit less alone. The shoulder you offer to cry on, the hand that you give them to hold, the knowledge that they have someone there for them through their deepest pain, can alleviate some of that pain. No, you won’t be able to magically take away their problems and put them on your own shoulders, but you can remove the crushing burden of loneliness from theirs. 

Gift of Kindness

Sometimes our empathy can extend beyond the realm of thoughts and feelings, when we put it into action. Every act of kindness we perform is a gift to the recipient of that kindness. There are multiple opportunities and dozens of people we can give this gift to every day, as long as we keep an eye out for those opportunities. 

Every time we allow someone in a rush to go ahead of us in line, make some room for a harried driver trying to make a left turn in standstill traffic on route 9, move aside a stick that is blocking the sidewalk and can potentially trip the next unsuspecting passerby, we are unleashing our gifts into the world. And these are gifts we are giving strangers. There are opportunities for kindness with those closest to us as well. Making a coffee for a tired spouse. Slipping an extra treat into a child’s snack box. Sending a kugel to a neighbor who is going through a trying time. Doing a grocery run for an elderly aunt. Sending a nachas report to a kvelling grandmother. The options are endless. 

Maybe  you don’t have the time or resources for too many such gifts. That’s okay, because the gift of kindness can extend to options that don’t require any investment of time, money and energy. You can create worlds of kindness simply with the power of your words. A well placed compliment can carry someone through their day. A cheerful good morning. A word of chizuk or encouragement. They could be spoken or written, even texted if that’s your preferred mode of communication. Even if you are giving actual material gifts, the words you share along with those gifts in a short, heartfelt card, can mean more to the recipient than the gift itself. 

Gift of Self-Worth

One of the greatest gifts we can give people is the gift of seeing themselves the way Hashem sees them. Very often, relationships fall into patterns of givers and receivers, and while you may be doing a wonderful thing by giving endlessly to a loved one (after all you’ve been showering them with the gift of kindness!) the taker doesn’t always feel so comfortable in that role. It could be they don’t have a choice at the moment; they are needy due to life circumstances and need to take from you, but they don’t feel good about themselves because of it. 

If you can find ways to help them see themselves as valued people, as people with a role and with a purpose, you are giving them a truly precious gift. Find opportunities where they can give to you as well, so that they don’t feel stuck in their role as takers. And take graciously. Remind them of all of the wonderful qualities you see in them, all of the ways you admire them. Ask them for advice; seek out a brachah from them. Every person in our life does have value; otherwise Hashem wouldn’t have created them. Hold up a mirror to themselves and help them see that value. 

When it comes to your children in particular, build them up not only with words but with actions. Figure out their strengths and skills and find opportunities for them to use those skills, so they can see for themselves how special they are. Putting your child in charge of the Chanukah party decor will mean so much more than telling them, “You are so creative!” Give them opportunities to succeed so that those successes will define how they think about themselves. If they have struggles and difficulties, these successes can carry them through those times, reminding them of all the good they have inside them. 

There are so many other gifts you can consider gifting to friends, relatives and strangers alike when you start thinking along these lines. “The greatest things in life aren’t things,” as they say, and it is often those non-things that are far more valuable and last far longer than any tangible gift we might think of. 

Happy Chanukah and Happy Gifting!