How to Apologize

It’s not always so easy to say “I’m Sorry,” (especially if you were right!)

It’s that time of year, when we work toward cleaning our slate both bein adam l’Makom and bein adam l’chaveiro. And while hurts and grudges shouldn’t necessarily be left to fester until just before Yom Kippur, if you haven’t made up until now, this is a great time to talk about apologizing and forgiving.

We like to go around asking our friends and family members to be mochel us, but there are some spats that go beyond the flippant, “Are you moichel me?” They need a real, sincere, well-thought-out apology. Here are some tips to help you apologize thoughtfully and come into Yom Kippur truly pure and white.

Admitting Fault

It seems so obvious, but this can often be a big hurdle to overcome and it is prerequisite to any apology. So often, we have so many justifications for what we did, so many excuses that we tell ourselves to absolve ourselves from guilt. It takes a lot of character to simply say, “I was wrong.”

It’s hard. There is a misconception that apologies are a sign of weakness, but in truth, they take tremendous strength. In order to apologize, you need to take your ego out of the equation and humble yourself enough to admit fault. That is the stuff of greatness. Admitting fault doesn’t mean an admission that you were entirely at fault and taking your ego out of the equation doesn’t mean taking your entire self out of the equation.

If your rift was an especially painful one, chances are you were hurt as well. Chances are the fault lies with both parties, and perhaps you haven’t apologized until now because you were waiting for the other party to apologize. It could be you even feel that as wrong as you might have been, the other person was “wronger” and therefore should have apologized first.

If this is the case, you can still be the better person in the situation and apologize first. This will be very hard and will take much strength, but the ramifications are so powerful. Revisit the rift in your mind and accept responsibility for your part of it. Be honest with yourself and acknowledge where you went wrong and where you caused hurt. If you have a hard time, work on mustering up compassion for the other person, thinking about where they are coming from and what they are going through that might have caused them to act in the hurtful manner that they did, and then you might have an easier time expressing your own regret for your part in exacerbating the situation.

If you are still feeling hurt by the other party, you can express that once you’ve given your own apology, using I statements. “I was hurt by your behavior,” as opposed to “you did something terrible to me.” Give them a chance to apologize as well, but that shouldn’t stop you from unequivocally and sincerely apologizing for your own misdeed. Recognize that your own hurt is valid and you are not denying it and you are not taking all of the fault upon yourself by apologizing, but rather accepting responsibility for your own role and apologizing for where you personally went wrong.

Remember that you can have done nothing wrong and still hurt someone badly. You might be loathe to apologize for something you had to do, but there is value in apologizing not necessarily for what you did but for how it affected them. In fact, this is the time for you to let go of the resentment you might feel toward someone for harboring a grudge against you for something that wasn’t your fault. Once again, build your compassion for that person, try to imagine their pain and apologize for being the catalyst for that pain and perhaps not being sensitive enough about it.

Your methods of apologizing may depend on your personality and comfort level. Doing it face to face is courageous, but also very difficult. Sometimes it’s simply because you’re uncomfortable, and sometimes it isn’t even as effective, as your words come out wrong, you are flustered and you are putting the other party on the spot. Another good option is to write a letter or email. Doing it in writing does not necessarily have to be a cop-out; it can be a great way to put tremendous thought and care into the apology in a way you can’t when the other party is standing right in front of you or on the other end of the phone line.

Here are some benefits of a written, as opposed to spoken, apology:

You can take the time to think through what you want to say.
You can erase and rewrite if you aren’t satisfied with the first version, as opposed to words that once spoken can never be forgotten.
If you have trouble coming up with the words, you can leave it for a few moments and come back with fresh eyes and perspective.
You are less nervous because there are no expectant eyes staring back at you, waiting to hear what you have to say, so the words might come easier to begin with.
Unlike a phone call, you’re not suddenly putting the person on the spot and trying to have a conversation at a bad time.
When you write a thoughtful, caring apology letter, it can be a balm for a broken heart, and unlike words that are easily forgotten, they can keep it to reread for a while.
They will have time to formulate a response to you, instead of feeling forced to respond in the moment.

IMPORTANT! Don’t text an apology. Texts are not productive for emotionally charged and involved communication. Rather, either write a letter or an email and send it to the other party. At most, you can send a text saying, “I am so sorry; I will email you later to apologize.” Or, “I am so sorry; when can we speak?”

The Apology Letter

Here is one way you can structure your apology letter, adapted from an article in Psychology Today. A good email or letter should cover three points: One is the apology itself, acknowledging that you are aware that you hurt the other’s feelings and you’re sorry for doing so. The second is providing some backstory, helping the other person understand what you were thinking and feeling at the time that prompted your words or your actions. This is important; in times of pain, the other person wants to know what makes you tick, and without your explanation, the person is apt to make up their own incorrect one. That said, your explanation is not a green light to be defensive and justify your actions. Keep your eyes on the prize, namely, wanting to heal a wound. If you find yourself drifting into defensiveness, you’re not ready to write the letter. Finally, you want to include in your apology whatever you think the other person might begin to think. Here you say things like, I’m not trying to justify my actions, I’m not saying that this was your fault, etc. What you are doing by including these statements is clarifying and hopefully calming the other person’s possible misreadings and reactions in advance.

Follow Up

Don’t just send the letter or the email and think you’re done. That’s a great start, but its role is to lay the foundation for a follow-up conversation. The purpose of a face-to-face or phone conversation is to hear the other’s reaction, to clarify what was misinterpreted or not understood, and to gauge whether what you hoped to do was actually done.

Write that you would like to meet or talk over the phone to discuss this, at their convenience. You can even text them: I hope you got my letter; when would be a good time to discuss? Once you do speak, a lot of the awkwardness is out of the conversation, because you’ve already said the difficult things.

What if the other person doesn’t accept your apology?

Circle back. Maybe there is something that, despite your good efforts, they didn’t understand or they misinterpreted. Resist the urge to push your point or get defensive and huffy in response. If they still aren’t receptive after you tried a couple more times, realize that you have done the best you could. It’s time to move on with the acceptance that you have done your part and the ball is now in their court.

Apologies are not about groveling or beating yourself up, about losing face or admitting defeat, or a manipulative tool for getting the other to admit fault. They’re about repairing hurts and wounds and relationships.

Apology Dos and Don’ts

Do…

…take the time to reflect on what you did wrong—and then take a little more time to reflect on what you did wrong.
…use words that are very clear and accurately convey your thoughts and sentiments. Be absolutely honest and show true sincerity when apologizing.
…use words that convey that you understand (and get) the other person’s hurt feelings, and can appreciate why they’re angry. Trying to convey or justify your feelings will likely be interpreted as you missing the point of an apology. You can, if it will help ease the hurt, explain some of your backstory (as discussed in the apology letter above), but be very clear this is not an attempt at shirking responsibility.
…be as specific as you can about the mistake, and as clear as you can about your responsibility.
…make sure the apology clearly conveys that you recognize not only why but how much the person was injured by your actions. Saying “I know you were hurt” is not the same as saying “I know how incredibly insulted and angry you were because of…” The latter is a much better way to convey that you’re accepting responsibility.
…allow the person time to think about your apology—the time they take may vary but the offended person has the right to determine how much time that should be.
…clearly request forgiveness but don’t expect or demand it.
…give some thought to how long the apology should be—it usually depends on the enormity, complexity or ripple effects of the mistake you’ve made. Most apologies don’t require more than a few well-crafted sentences. Since apologies are sometimes awkward, it may help if you don’t include too much unnecessary detail. Long-winded explanations often come across as self-serving.
…make it clear that you understand ALL of the consequences of your actions—personal, emotional, relational, monetary, business, etc.
…say “I’m sorry I was rude,” not “I’m sorry if I was rude.” Sorry “if” is one of those potentially costly qualifiers that can turn a good apology into a really bad one, so be careful. Words really matter. “I apologize for insulting you” is much better than “I apologize if what I said seemed insulting or offensive.” And “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” is never as strong as “I’m sorry I called you a snob.”
- Another costly qualifier to avoid is the word “but,” which should never be included as part of an apology. “I’m sorry but…” always comes across like you’re trying to justify your actions.
…name the offense and the hurt feelings it caused.
…communicate vulnerability in an apology; it can help.
…clearly convey appreciation for the role the person plays in your life and why the apology is so important—whether or not they accept it. Describe what you think you will lose if the relationship is permanently damaged.
…convey the penalty you are willing to pay and tell them how you plan to solve things. But if you’re not sure, ask the other person how you can repair the mistake.
…avoid any actions that can be misinterpreted as insincerity when apologizing verbally, such as making jokes, rolling your eyes, avoiding eye contact, excessive shuffling or nervous twitching.
…always be prepared for a very bad start to a verbal apology. For example, be ready to respond to something like, “You should be sorry!” or, “It’s too little, too late!” or, “I just can’t trust you anymore!” or, “I’ve heard that one before!” or, “How do I know you won’t do it again?” This kind of reflexive response or “apology buster” may come from anger or hurt feelings, but you should be prepared to accept and deal with it.

Don’t…

…apologize in the heat of the moment. Give both of you the time to calm down and come back together with cooler heads.
…wait years to make an apology. If you already have, though, better late than never!
…apologize in an attempt to get closure for yourself. You are apologizing because you would like to repair damage you have done to someone else. Going into it selfishly will dilute the impact of the apology.
…demand forgiveness, and don’t expect it—no matter how much time you’ve spent preparing the apology.
…try to evoke sympathy for yourself as part of the apology.
…ever assume the issue is minor. Err on the side of accepting the importance and seriousness of the mistake. Assuming this is a big deal to the other person when in fact it really isn’t, is a much better place to be than the alternative.
…demand a response to your apology—be patient and wait.
…constantly ask the other person why they’re mad—assume there’s a reason. If they’re forced to clarify why they are hurt then you obviously don’t get it.
If you get an apology as well, don’t use that as an opportunity to offer a few excuses.
…include any qualifiers and hidden messages that might imply sharing responsibility for the problem/mistake—NEVER share the blame; take full responsibility.
…use the word BUT when giving an apology.
…expand on the apology by linking it to ANY other issues in your relationship aside from the apology and issue/offense at hand.
…take the easy way out with a simple “I’m sorry”—a well-crafted and well-timed apology will work much better, so don’t risk it.
…start an apology with the words, “I don’t know what I’ve done wrong, but…” Figure out what you’ve done wrong; make sure you get it right; and move on to crafting the perfect apology to fix it; and again, never use the word BUT.
…follow the rejection of an apology with the words, “I said I was sorry; what else do you want?” They probably want a lot more, so please refer back to the ingredients of a perfect apology to answer your own question.
…cross your arms or place your hands on your hips when giving an apology in person.
…be defensive or angry (even with yourself).
…dwell on the apology or any of the other issues connected to it, whether or not you’ve been forgiven. And don’t follow the acceptance of your apology with additional explanations, qualifiers or caveats. Move on!
Once you apologize sincerely, don’t keep apologizing. This will only make your apology lose meaning the longer you dwell on the wrong you did to them.
…be intimidated by this long list of dos and don’ts. An imperfect apology is better than no apology, so daven for siyata d’Shmaya and do your best!

Important Caveat

This advice is geared toward rifts and falling outs between healthy individuals in healthy relationships. If you are in an unhealthy relationship, you might need to be setting better boundaries and taking better care of yourself not to get hurt time and time again by an unhealthy individual, rather than put your energy into an apology that will be used as fodder to hurt you further. Recognize your value and be aware of the trouble spots you keep encountering. You can still apologize if you feel you have what to apologize for, but make sure you have guidance from a rav and mental health professional before navigating unhealthy relationships.

Wishing all of Klal Yisroel a g’mar chasimah tovah and a slate so pristine that we merit the geulah shleimah in time for aliyas regel this Sukkos, iy”H!

Reprinted with permission from the Lakewood Shopper Family Room.