We can only win by playing the roles Hashem originally intended for us.
Whether a woman is married for a day, a decade, or half a century, there’s nothing she wants more than for her husband to love her. We know this not from the plethora of marriage books on the mainstream market. We know this from our purest, holiest guidebook: the Torah.
Upon committing the sin of the eitz hada’as, Chava, the world’s first woman was cursed: “V’el isheich teshukaseich,” Hashem said to her. “You will forever crave your husband’s love.” This deep emotional neediness we women possess, whether we’re in touch with it or not, is an intrinsic part of our being. It is woven into the tapestry of our femininity. No woman, no matter how self-sufficient or macho she appears or even convinces herself to be, was ever created without this defining characteristic. A wife’s neediness is not only deep; it’s practically a bottomless pit. And no one, but her husband, has the ability to fill it for her.
But, the Torah doesn’t only inform us of our curses. It is also the ideal, and our only guidebook for how to utilize this craving to merit a truly fulfilling relationship, the kind of marriage that makes husband and wife feel like one soul.
In order to understand how we can attain that kind of closeness in our marriage, let us return to the building blocks of our essence. On the sixth day of creation, Hashem created Adam, Man. Soon after, He realized that it wouldn’t be good for Adam to exist in solitude. And so, He turned to His angels and said, “let us make for Man an ezer k’negdo, a helper against him.” This new creature, who was fashioned from the man’s rib for the sole purpose of serving as his helpmate, was the woman. In other words, the female’s essence is entirely contingent upon her soulmate, her husband.
For modern-day women living in a society that has been infiltrated with skewed perceptions of a woman’s basic needs, it may seem absurd that what a woman needs more than anything is to feel dependent on her husband. But this, dear Jewish women, is the reality. In His wisdom, Hashem created both the male and female lacking, inherently dependent on one another. In order for them to feel fulfilled in the relationship, the male would receive the kavod, respect from his wife, and she, in turn, would thrive on the emotional support and love he would channel in her direction. For this reason, a woman can be outrageously successful in every area of life, but if she lacks a fulfilling marriage, she will feel forever deficient and unfulfilled. On the other hand, a woman who serves as her husband’s ezer k’negdo with the proper perspective does so not from a place of surrender but from a place of true desire.
When a woman understands the essence of her creation, she is able to play her role toward kindling the love she yearns for, namely to fulfill her duties as a wife in the relationship. “If you want your husband to give you the love you yearn for,” the Torah tells us, “you must first be his wife.” No one understands the psyche and emotional world of the male and female better than the One who fashioned us, the One who instructed us to treat our husband, first and foremost, with respect.
To be a wife is to treat your soulmate not as a friend, but as a husband. Being a wife means putting your husband’s needs first, always, making him the center of your life in every aspect. It means turning to him for advice, not contradicting his words (unless necessary), and making his wishes your priority. What a compliment or another expression of love, no matter how petty it may seem to a man, is to a woman, an expression of respect, no matter how petty it may seem to a woman, is to a man. Indeed, the Shulchan Aruch’s list of a woman’s obligations toward her husband, such as preparing his drink, may seem very petty to a woman. But to a man, it is everything. And more important than the technical details of how the wife gives her husband the message that he is her king is the underlying feeling of respect she must have toward him (which is only possible when a woman has a healthy sense of self-esteem).
You might wonder, so what if the husband and wife won’t have the sparks; does it have to be the way the Torah describes—that she gives him total respect and he gives her love? Can’t a husband and wife just live together like two friends in an equal partnership? No, tells us the Gemara. “If a man and woman merit [to bring Hashem into their marriage], the Shechina dwells amongst them. If they don’t, a fire consumes them.” It’s either you’re the wife and he’s the husband or you’re no friends at all. But when a woman takes her role as a wife seriously, and she does her duties with respect and joy, the love she receives in return is boundless. Only when she treats her soulmate as the king, does she become the queen of her home.
Note: This article is geared toward women in a healthy marriage; it is not intended to minimize the Torah’s obligations a husband has toward his wife.
I’ll be glad to answer questions on this topic in the comments section below.
source: Rambam Hilchos Ishos 15, halacha 20
What a beautiful article and message
Thank you for this beautiful message. I hope you continue to publish many more. It saddens me the way many of our ideals and standards have become so twisted due to the influence of the surrounding culture. You’re doing holy work. Keep it up!
What is the list of obligations that a wife has towards her husband?
The Shulchan Aruch (SA) brings two lists of obligations that a wife has to her husband. The first list includes deeds that take care of all her husband’s technical needs, such as washing his clothes, preparing his food, serving the food, etc. For these obligations, the SA writes, a woman of means is allowed to have others do the work for her. Also, if the husband doesn’t want or expect her to do these things, she doesn’t owe it to him.
The second list, which according to the SA arouses a husband’s love for his wife and must therefore be carried out by her only even if she can afford to have maids do the work for her, includes two deeds: pouring his cup (preparing coffee/tea/or even a cup of water), and preparing his bed for sleeping. Nowadays, when beds generally don’t serve dual purposes and aren’t covered in heavy bedspreads, this could mean simply removing any stray pieces of clothing, books, toys, etc. that landed there.
These deeds may seem petty to us, but the One who fashioned us knows best what arouses a husband’s love for his wife.
I learned these halachos from Rebbetzin Ruti Waldman of Bnei Brak. When she discussed the importance of having a wife prepare her husband’s drink, she told us several stories of women who followed these halachos with temimus and observed subtle improvements in their marriage. She told us that Rebbetzin Elyashiv a”h would always arise at 2 AM, at the time when her husband started his day of learning, to prepare his thermos of coffee. When her children asked her why she extended herself like that she said that a) she saw this as her zechus and b) it means so much for a husband to know that his wife prepared his drink.
I’m wondering what you’re thoughts are regarding the book The Surrendered Wife’ by Laura Doyle. Some of it seems to be in line with your article. Would love to hear your take.
We have an upcoming article about it. Look out for it.
Dear Chanie,
No. I haven’t read Laura’s books. Based on what I’ve read and heard, primarily on this site, it appears that at least some of what she writes in her books are in line with the concepts I write about here, but since I have merited to find my sources of direction for one of the most sacred relationships in Torah, I don’t feel the need to search elsewhere. As I often say, “We have the ultimate guidebook for marriage, parenting, relationships, and emotional health. Even if I could find some truths in other sources, why should I turn to the second best?” I’m a snob like that 🙂
Shiffy, Beautiful!!! Since you are in Jeruaslem, are you also a talmida of Reb Gila Levitt! It could be you got married after she stopped teaching her special classes. which are still available on Kol Haloshon. BTW both Reb Waldman and Reb Levitt are talmidos of Reb Ruth Shemesh..each took her material and developed it in different ways. Maybe we could convince Reb Levitt to start again…She is also a kalla teacher and trainer so does alot of that part of marriage also.
Nice to hear, Mimi! Thanks for sharing this information.
i felt i wanted to comment on the question of a husbands obligation to his wife. my husband and myself were zocheh to take the teleconfernece by r shmuel neiman on kedushas habayis and he happily answered the question of what the torah obligates a husband to his wife and vice versa. we implemented his hashkafah and we cannot believe what bliss it has given us!! after listening to his shuirim i literaly felt like shouting from the rooftops at what a gift hashem has given us in the form of a true torah marriage!!!
where can I listen o gila levitt on kol haloshon?
Reb’ Waldman mentions in her cd that she is having her book translated into English. Do you know if the book was completed and what it is called. I can’t seem to find it anywhere. Thanks!
She’s still working on it. According to her secretary it’s almost finished but she’s still going over a few sections to make sure it is perfectly written to convey this important topic clearly. The Hebrew book is called “M’shalom Bayit L’shleimut Habayit” I don’t know yet what she plans on calling the English version. However, she does have a whole series of shiurim in English that you can listen to while we wait for the book to come out. Some of her shiurim are also on Kol Halashon, though if you want to hear the whole series you need to get the CD. You can contact me at shalombayiscd@gmail.com to get the CD.
Any update on the name of Reb. Waldman’s book in English?
You can e-mail the Rebbetzin directly at 2312@okmail.co.il. On Inspire by Wire, you can donate money towards the publication of the book – 718-906-6451 option 6 then 9, i think. Malky Feig is translating it. Amazing how the Torah has all the answers! So, so practically.
I emailed her directly and she sent me a few chapters (or maybe most of the book, it was long). And that was a few years ago!
I tried emailing her at that address and it didn’t work. can you check and confirm the address you received emails from her with?
Anyone know how you can contact Ruth Waldmann? I am really interested in getting the book.
Any more updates as to how to contact Rebbitzen Ruth Waldman, please? I’ve just come across her amazing shiurim and I’d love a copy of her book if it is available, please? Would be so grateful anyone would have information on this…
The number to reach Rebbetzin Ruth Waldman /secretary is +97235799830
Where can I buy the recordings1/