How to Handle a Disagreement with Your Husband

There’s a bit of strategy involved when hearing what he wants and expressing your own desires.

How does decision-making happen in your family?

Does it start with a fight? With you explaining why things should be your way?

Do you find yourself “being mevater” to preserve the peace? When do you keep quiet? When do you speak up? Most importantly, how?

To untangle this topic, let’s take a look at a fundamental aspect of marriage: the Mashpia/Mekabel relationship.

The foundation of the Mashpia/Mekabel relationship is that men are wired to be Providers: the Giver, the Leader, the one who sets the path and leads the way.

As a Mekabel, a wife receives from her husband and builds with it. She taps into the power of that relationship when she notices and appreciates what she receives from her husband, respects him for it, and expresses her desires in a way that inspires his natural inclination to please his wife.

The result? NOT a bunch of repressed and oppressed skirt-wearing doormats, as a superficial view might imply. Rather, thousands of happier wives AND husbands, who find that their relationships are more deeply connected, with more emotional intimacy than they ever imagined.

So what’s with this decision-making bit? Does this mean that a wife is mevater for everything? For the big things? For her wants but not for her needs? That she gives in on the little things so she can hoard some collateral for bargaining on the really significant stuff?

Now that we have our foundation in place, we can better understand why those questions are essentially meaningless. Because the answer is “it depends” – but not in the way you might have thought previously.

It all depends on whose “paper” it’s on.

Meaning – is this issue about the things that your husband has direct control over, responsibility for, and choice about?  Like

• What he eats (salad, sushi, or loaded French fries with pulled BBQ beef)
• How he dresses (up hat, down hat, no hat… or that Rangers jersey from high school)
• Paying the electric bill (today, tomorrow, or 12:01 AM on the date after it’s due)
• How he runs his business (client calls, delegating, or finally organizing his desk that looks like your 3-year-old had a decorating party)

Well, in that case most likely you would grant him the respect, dignity and trust to make the decision that is right for him.

Is it something that directly affects YOU? Like

• which restaurant to go to
• which recliner to buy
• how much help you would like in the kitchen
• when you want to take a nap

Then, you will want to express your needs or wants as a desire – what you want, not as something he needs to do or change. Something like this:

• I would love to go to the new Mexican eatery
• It would make me so happy to have the blue recliner
• Would you wash the dishes for me?
• I want to take a nap on Shabbos for 1/2 hour

And finally – what if it’s something that affects the family, like 

• where to send the kids to school
• where to go for the Pesach seder
• what neighborhood to live in

Here’s where it gets sticky, right? Because if the husband is the Mashpia, does that mean he gets to make those decisions on his own?

Well, not really. When it comes to decisions that affect the family or the children, that calls for a discussion. 

Notice that I said a discussion – NOT a fight!

How do we do that? Glad you asked!

Start by listening. 

No, I don’t mean hearing. I mean truly listening to your husband’s ‘heart message.’ Try to quiet that running commentary in your head (He’s crazy! That’s not right. Why would anyone do that?) and ask yourself the questions: How might you feel similarly if you were coming with the same background, worldview, personality? What if his views are not wrong – but simply different from yours? What is he revealing about himself right now? What is he sharing about his commitments, his passions, his integrity or his dreams?

Next, express your desire.

Don’t use the word ‘but.’ Don’t tell him why he’s wrong, or how he never listens to you, or how his harebrained ideas are unrealistic just like his mother’s.

Just. Say. What. You. Want.

Feel free to add in your Why: How would it make you feel? Why is it important to you? What are your worries or fears? Why is this important? Because your husband’s deep, hard-wired impulse is to provide for you and make you happy. Does this mean he will always do what you want? No, of course not! But by expressing your wishes in this way, you awaken that instinct in him.

Last: Brainstorm. 

Take turns throwing out solutions. Anything goes – fantasies, wishes, partial solutions and unrealistic suggestions are all acceptable. Get those creative juices flowing! The only rule here is: no rejecting of the other person’s idea. Everything gets equal weight at this stage – and for good measure, you might want to write everything down.

Now, look at your list. You may be surprised that a solution bubbles up that satisfies both of you, which neither of you had considered previously. If the perfect solution is not immediately apparent, play around with some of the suggestions and see if you can come closer to a resolution that works for both of you.

Have fun problem solving! I’d love to hear how it works for you!

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