He’s a Bar Mitzvah Boy–But Also Still a Child

Having too high expectations can hurt our children in the long run–today’s children need more space to grow at a different pace.

As a writer and lecturer, every time I’m asked to present on “any topic that speaks to you,” I find myself thinking, “What’s on my mind and heart right now? What’s something that I would currently find inspiring/thought-provoking/helpful/encouraging?” That certainly gives the audience a little peek into my personal life—which is actually a good thing, because then you know the article or shiur is emanating from the heart… 

So what’s the topic this time? It’ll have to be about bar-mitzvah age boys. You see, we’re just weeks away from celebrating our eldest’s bar mitzvah, that watershed moment where a child grows into an adult—but really only in regards to accepting the yoke of Torah and mitzvos. And that last caveat is what I’d like to focus on in this article. 

There are many angles to discuss on the topic of celebrating a child’s coming-of-age moments—and there’s no better place than Between Carpools to find all that inspo to roll out a magnificent event—but if I’d have to choose an angle of hishtadlus that most impacts the parent-child relationship as well as the child’s potential to grow into the serious, ehrlich “man of mitzvos” we wish for him to become, it would be this:

As much as the young man in the hat and jacket is considered an adult once he’s a bar mitzvah, the more we parents can be mindful that their new status is strictly in regards to his obligation to Torah and mitzvos, the more we enable our parent-child relationship to flourish and the more we enable this adolescent to flourish. Because what’s really going on even once this now-thirteen year old is required to daven with minyan and put tefillin every morning is that emotionally, cognitively, developmentally, and socially, he may very well still be a child. 

Months ago, in an effort to understand and appreciate our son’s developmental stage, my husband consulted with several mechanchim who are intimately familiar with this age range. One line that an eminent veteran mechaneich shared has been a game-changer for us: Just as young adults nowadays are ready for marriage later than they were centuries ago, the true maturation age for a bachur (and adolescent girl) has shifted as well. From this mechaneich’s perspective, having come to know hundreds of bachurim over the years, barring some exceptions, yesteryear’s thirteen is today’s sixteen. (This does not refer to hormonal development, which, for various reasons, can occur earlier nowadays than it did in previous decades.) In other words, if that young man you’re barely recognizing under his new adult garb comes home from minyan and drops down on the floor to play a game of (gasp!) kugelach or insists on being part of the kiddie Shabbos party or whatever other child-like behavior he’s still engaging in wholeheartedly, know that what he’s doing is totally age appropriate. It’s not alarming; it’s not wrong. It’s normal. 

It goes without saying that this newly minted bachur (or that young woman in her high school uniform) will still be teasing their sisters and wanting to sleep in, but that’s not what we’re referring to here because that would be categorized as perfectly adolescent-like behavior. What we’re referring to here is (gasp!) child-like behavior that may make a parent wonder: Will this child ever grow up? Is something wrong with him? That’s where the words of this wise mechaneich come into play: Of course your child will iy”H grow up, but right now, they still need their time and space to be a child. 

What does this mean for us parents (of both boys and girls—of all ages) and why is this a critical piece of information for us to digest? It’s all about expectations, expectations, expectations. Anyone who’s been blessed to be a parent for a little while knows just how insidiously harmful expectations can be on our parent-child relationship and on the development of the child. While we all have hopes and dreams for our progeny, and we want them to grow into their best selves, when we expect of them what they’re not capable of producing, we’re first and foremost setting ourselves up for disappointment, and nothing can be more toxic than that for the nefesh of the child. To grow up knowing “I’ve been a source of disappointment to Mommy/and or Totty,” is to grow up feeling eternally damaged, inferior, and unworthy of love. No healthy parent wants their child to come into adulthood with that painful self-image in the recesses of their heart. 

Plus, when we expect our children to be at a place they’re not yet ready for, all of us lose out exponentially. The child doesn’t feel free to exhibit his charming personality from the place he’s at—he feels stifled and suppressed—and the parent doesn’t get to enjoy that side of him either. What a loss for all. 

As always, the more we can let our child be, focusing our chinuch on celebrating them where they’re at (while modeling mature, quality behavior and good middos), the greater the chances that their unique potential—not the script we’ve been mentally writing for them— will come to the fore. Like caterpillars inside their cocoons, if we nudge them out of their comfortable space too soon, we’re not giving them a chance to develop into the magnificent butterfly they have the potential to become. As another mechaneich confided to my husband, “I wish I’d know when I was raising my older sons what I understand today, while raising the younger half of my family,” lamenting how his too-high expectations of his then-adolescents hindered their growth and development, especially in regards to ruchniyus. 

Of course, seeing the beauty of our child from the place they’re at isn’t always easy. Often, it requires intense work on our part, which includes making peace with the parts in ourselves we wish we wouldn’t have—the parts in ourselves we view as immature, underdeveloped, not okay, etc. But the more we can (patiently!) celebrate our children for who they are at the place they’re currently at, the more we can enjoy a flourishing relationship and infuse them with the confidence and positive self-image they desperately need to be”H grow into the mature, sincere, healthy adults they will one day become.

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