Did Your Child Misbehave at School?

Do you side with the child or the school? What is the appropriate way to respond? And how do you prevent these occurrences (that form a pit in your stomach) in the future? This is a guide for handling typical school misbehavior situations when they arise.

It happens to the best of us. A child comes home from school and mutters, “I was punished today…” Or, she doesn’t say anything at all, but she’s unusually irritable, grumpy, or even quiet. Or, we get a call from the teacher. Worst yet, the principal. Perhaps the teacher waits for PTA or report cards to break the news to us—“Your daughter’s behavior needs improvement…” A child being penalized or not being their best at school certainly isn’t a pleasant occurrence for anyone involved—including Mommy—but how can we handle it in a way that most enables the child to grow from the experience? Let’s take a look at four angles of this common issue.

1. Whose Team Am I On?

Simple logic dictates that as the parent, we must choose to side with one of two “teams”: either the child or the teacher. (Remember that classmate whose mother came storming into the classroom to give the teacher a washing-down after she dared send her daughter to the principal? And then there was the girl who opted to camp out at school overnight rather than facing her parents after being punished at school…) While old-style parenting often encouraged siding with the school (along with a spanking or two), a more trendy approach—as part of the helicopter parenting package— is the polar opposite. Both, however, leave the child’s heart wounded. None enable her to grow and learn from the experience. 

When a parent invariably sides with the school, regardless of the child’s take on the incident, the child obviously feels unheard, unnoticed, invalidated. (“There’s no point in even sharing my side of the story because I’ll anyway be the wrong one, as usual…”) On the other hand, when a parent conveys that their child is always right and the teacher is always to blame, the child loses all respect for authority, and may continue to go through life in an arrogant, cynical, self-absorbed manner, lacking basic decency. This response also invites anxiety into the child’s life because a child naturally desires authority and cooperation between her caretakers, which enables her to feel at peace and secure at all times. 

Neither harsh punishment nor coddling emanates from or fosters real love. So what is the right approach to a child’s misbehavior at school? 

(Important note: Before we even address the misbehavior, it’s a good idea to ascertain that the child indeed misbehaved. In other words, just because a child has been punished is not always reason enough to confirm that the child is the guilty party. As hardworking and well-meaning as the school staff may be, they are human beings, too. Since there may be other factors at play here, such as the goings-on in their personal life or their struggles with classroom management or discipline, there’s room for erring on their part, as well. In the case where we have good reason to believe that the teacher made a mistake or handled the situation incorrectly, it is critical not to speak derogatorily about them in front of the child. As long as the child is under their care, the child needs to feel that we trust the teacher in taking care of them.)

Once we’ve confirmed that the child indeed misbehaved, we don’t have to choose one team to side with. Rather, a wise response would be to convey to the child that our love for them is unconditional, independent of their conduct, while letting them know that their behavior was not okay. “I understand that you had a hard day and it isn’t easy for you to sit through the long math class, but it’s not okay for you to…” I understand you as a person, but what you did is not excusable. True parental love encompasses setting firm boundaries (this is one of the messages in my children’s book, My Mommy Loves Me). It enables our children to grow into their best selves.  

While a forced apology isn’t genuine, if we’ve had a conversation with the child that enables them to see where and why they went wrong, having them apologize to the teacher afterward goes a long way in restoring the proper teacher-student relationship. 

2. For the Future

Although unpleasant, one-offs are part of life—we all make mistakes and have our more obnoxious days— and don’t necessitate major intervention for future prevention. In such cases, it’s best to move on and not make a big deal about the incident. 

But if misbehavior is recurrent, it’s a good idea to explore it further to prevent future mishaps as much as possible. First, the technical angle: Would a seat change be helpful? Perhaps a more rigid bedtime? Even if a child isn’t eating the right foods their behavior can be impacted. As all mothers can attest, a child on a sugar high can be seriously unrecognizable. These are some of the technical factors that can be addressed to help prevent future misbehavior. Then there’s the academic angle: Does the child have what it takes to properly participate in the class? Exploring the behavioral perspective is another way to go: Does the child require a different kind of discipline approach, whether more authoritative or less intense? Of course, there’s the emotional angle, as well: Is something going on in the child’s (inner) life that is impeding her ability to exhibit good behavior? 

In the case where ample research confirmed one of the below:

A. The teacher has a classroom management issue that won’t go away so fast
B. There’s a serious personality clash between teacher and student
C. Or your child simply has more energy or personality than the teacher can handle (“big personality” kids often find it challenging to behave at school)

In these cases, giving the child an incentive to conduct herself properly, such as through a contest, can be very helpful. It’s good for a child to learn that there are times in life when she’ll need to stretch herself—she won’t necessarily appreciate the style or type of every person she ever meets, but she must always remain respectful and cordial. A contest at home will convey that her efforts are being noticed and appreciated at least somewhere, by someone very important to her.

3. Where Am I In This Picture?

Until now, we’ve only addressed the child and their conduct, but we can’t forget that there’s another very important person in this picture: You, the mother.

When we learn about a child’s misconduct, as the adult in the relationship, we might be super quick to jump in with a response regarding the child. 

But because we are the adult in this relationship, it would be wise for us to take note what this circumstance is generating within us—and to handle that, as well. First, the general feelings any mother might have regarding her child’s misbehavior include disappointment, frustration, anger, or general upset. It hurts us to hear that our child isn’t conducting himself properly. Yes, it hurts. And we’re allowed to communicate that to the child. We can start off by saying, “It really bothers me to hear that… I understand the teacher for being upset because such behavior disrupts the class.” Kids are allowed to know that their behavior (again, not they) is upsetting. They need to be taught that while they, as our child, will always be loved and appreciated, certain behaviors are unacceptable. 

In addition to the feelings listed above, a mother might also feel shame, failure as a parent, or associations with her own childhood, all of which are unpleasant. 

The reason why it’s critical for us to realize that our own emotions are also at play here is because only if we’re brave enough to see them can we be there for the child instead of being driven by our own emotional resistance to the circumstance. The more we acknowledge our own emotional goings-on, even just to ourselves, the more we can choose not to be led by them, thus giving the child the full, unadulterated attention that they deserve. (We can deal with our own stuff later, when not in parenting mode.) 

3. One Mother

Perhaps the greatest koach a mother has in her arsenal is tefillah, davening for her child (especially at hadlakas neiros). It’s the age-old incredible medium through which to generate change, even (or especially) when all else fails. When one of my kids was repeatedly misbehaving in a certain class—mainly due to a serious personality clash with the teacher—I implemented all of the above, but the improvement wasn’t long-lasting. While the child felt comfortable sharing the goings-on with me and there were periods when they exerted themselves to give it their all, and I appreciated that, I wished the situation would change. After investing months of constant tefillah on the matter, I—along with the teacher and principal— was shocked at what suddenly happened: From one day to the next, Hashem simply planted an affinity for the teacher in this child’s heart. Just like that, the child started looking forward to this teacher’s classes and, thanks to their strong personality, the entire class followed suit. Yes, modern-day miracles do happen…

Regardless of how we handle the situation, as the mother of the child who’s misbehaving, there’s one fact that must be 100% clear to us: I can’t expect anyone to appreciate my child more than I do. I’m her mother. It’s my responsibility to keep seeing the good in her, to keep remembering that, regardless of her behavior, she is a pure neshamah.

Also, since I’m the one I want her to come to with everything that’s going on for her, the one she can always count on as a safe space to share what’s going on in her life, my response must convey my faith in her—that she has it in her to do her very best. One way to do so is by focusing on labeling the behavior, not the child. 

The counseling field nowadays is a multi-million dollar industry. So many of those shelling out those millions are individuals who are simply seeking that one person who will give them that stretch of presence they’re in need of: that one hour of eye contact, of nonjudgmental company, of encouragement, and a true listening ear. If we can give that to our child, putting our own feelings and misgivings aside for just that segment of time, what a priceless gift we’re giving him. Priceless, indeed. 

Note: This article addresses typical misbehavior, not extreme misconduct, which requires a more nuanced parental response.