I’m Keeping My Baby at Home While I work

This time around, I will work with my baby next to me. Can it really work?

I type these words as my baby sits beside me on the couch, nestled into my side as she fiddles with my empty coffee mug. I know my moments are numbered; as soon as she tires of trying to pull the cover off of the mug, she will be reaching over to push the buttons on my laptop herself. 

This is one of our better moments, when she actually lets me work.

I gave birth to this delicious baby just after I wrapped up a major project. It occurred to me when she was born that if I didn’t take on any of the other offers waiting in the wings, and if I whittled down my work obligations just so, I may just be able to keep this baby home with me. 

I’d never done that before. I always sent my babies to babysitters while I worked, and without any guilt. I chose my babysitters carefully; they were usually either relatives or neighbors. I sent them part time and it was just long enough to miss them without feeling like I was absconding my parenting duties. I never really had a longing to keep my babies home with me. And yet, when this opportunity arose, I was here for it. I kept her home with me all year, and while I question it sometimes, I have not regretted it.

Am I hacking it? Depends on the day. Some days I feel on top of the world and some days I question my sanity. But overall, this is a gift that I’m grateful to have been granted. I know in writing this that there are many mothers who wish they didn’t have to send their babies out, and I empathize with that struggle. And for those who have also been blessed to stay home with their babies, it can get challenging, I empathize with that as well!

Here’s a little bit about what works and doesn’t work for us.    

Some Challenges

Whittling down notwithstanding, my responsibilities still require me to write thousands of words a week. And I can often spend two hours getting her to fall asleep for a half hour nap. I try hard not to get frustrated when she doesn’t allow me to work, because she definitely doesn’t deserve my resentment, but there are those moments where I wonder if we would have both been better off had I chosen to send her out for a few hours. I would get my work done and be ecstatic to see her after some time apart. Baruch Hashem, those moments that I question my choices are few and far between, but they do happen.

I’m also surrounded by all of the housework that has to get done, by floors that need to get mopped and laundry that needs to get folded, and without the time to do it all just because “I’m home all day.”

I’ve never been very good at scheduling my babies, and this one is no exception. She doesn’t take bottles or pacifiers, and her naps are unpredictable. You can imagine that makes it hard to get work done and plan around my deadlines. 

As she gets older, I’ve found another challenge to be that it’s harder to ignore her as I try to work. She’ll play nicely for a while, which gives me time to write, but she’s so interactive that I feel guilty focusing on the screen when she’s trying to talk to me. I’m working toward that elusive balance of focusing on her while getting my work done and have gotten quite adept at typing paragraphs without glancing at my screen because I can’t look away when she’s giving me grinning mischievously and clapping her hands for all she’s worth. 

Some Perks

The most obvious and beautiful perk of keeping my baby home with me is that I get to keep my baby home with me. Ultimately, that’s where a baby belongs, and if it is something that is feasible in your life, cherish that gift. We’ve had so many incredible moments together, baby and I. I wake up every morning feeling blessed that I get to  spend the day with her, trading smiles and having the most delicious, if unintelligible conversations as I try to get my work done. 

Our mornings are also calmer because I’m not rushing out the door with her. We give the older kids a nice, if hurried, send-off as they rush to make their school bus, and then we get to tend to our own morning routine more leisurely. 

I listed her lack of scheduling and the fact that she nurses exclusively and doesn’t take bottles – or pacifiers for that matter! – as some of the challenges, but being who she is, it’s a brachah she gets to stay home with me. I’ve had babies who refused bottles, who had to be rocked to sleep, and all kids of other quirks, and I’ve still had to send them out to babysitters. I tortured myself with the mommy guilt then because they did struggle there.  This one at least, gets to let it all out on me, and I can work with her individual wants and needs. 

And inexplicably, I do often find that my work goes quicker than it used to. Perhaps it’s the knowledge that I only have this nap to get my words out, that once she wakes up the computer is useless, helps me churn out the words. And of course, it is all tremendous siyata dishmaya. I find I’ve been writing quicker, the words are flowing more, and sometimes I do accomplish in one morning nap more than I used to in an entire school day.

Some Tips

Honestly, I write these tips for myself also. I can’t say I always listen, though I should. And, I can use more tips! So if you’ve done this and made it work, please give me your best advice in the comments.

Because, perks notwithstanding, it’s hard. Most days find me behind, trying to catch my tail with housework and work work. I haven’t quite found the rhythm that works consistently. I find that every day is its own story, its own lesson learned the hard way. By the time I learned that lesson, the test has changed and I have to start studying all over again.

Still, here are some universal tips I’ve been working with:

The first tip I got from my sister Mati, baby Morah extraordinaire: Follow baby’s cues when scheduling. While being home with her means she doesn’t have to be on a Morah’s schedule, it’s important to have some sort of schedule. You can save both you and baby lots of misery by working around her schedule instead of manipulating her into a schedule of your own making. The key is to be consistent as much she allows you to. 

Pull yourself together. When you don’t have to leave the house, it’s easy to fall into the trap of lounging around in your pajama skirt and a shell, of alternating between skipping meals and eating nonstop. I’m not saying you need a full face of makeup and sheitel to work on the couch, but you feel better when you look better. Get dressed. Eat a good breakfast and lunch. Take care of yourself because no one else can do that for you!

Manage expectations. I find I often start the day full of optimism. I am going to conquer the world. I am going to write 3,000 perfectly polished words by day’s end. As the day wears on, and those dreams go up in the smoke of her ruptured nap, I get discouraged and irritable. When I can be realistic from the get go, recognizing that I won’t get that much done today, and that’s okay, everything I do get done feels like a bonus. 

Get out. When there is so much to do at home, it’s hard to push myself out the door. But it’s important. Run those errands. Grab that coffee. Take in a shiur. Get out from behind the computer screen and see people! (And yes, I am open to offers to drag me out for a coffee date. It usually sets me behind schedule, but it always leaves me invigorated that I don’t have any regrets.)

Give yourself credit. You won’t get everything done, and that’s okay. You’ve spent the day with your baby, and that’s priceless. 

My neighbor, a very special and warm Morah, just opened registration for next year. It had been my dream to send my daughter to her, knowing she would be in such loving and devoted hands, second best only to Mommy herself. 

And my baby won’t be such a baby anymore. She will start napping less at some point. She’ll want more interaction; it will be harder to justify burying myself behind a computer while she is playing. She’ll want entertainment, quality time, eye contact. If it was a struggle to meet my deadlines this year, next year will be even tougher. 

I’ve had job offers over the year that I’ve turned down. I can easily take on enough work to financially justify sending her out. 

So many justifications, so many good reasons to send her out next year.

And yet, I called Morah Rivky and told her to give away my slot. My baby will be staying home with me again next year. 

Will I regret it halfway through the year when I can’t keep up with her and my work at the same time?

Maybe. Maybe not. 

But she’s my baby. And she’ll be home with me again. What could be better?