You’re tending to young children (and keeping them from making too much noise!), while making sure the day and meals run smoothly. And, nope, you’re not alone!
Last night, your husband went back to yeshiva, right after complimenting you on a delicious meal, of course, but also, while hurrying to get to his chavrusa he didn’t help as much as he usually does with the cleaning up of the table and such. You were left alone, at night, to pile up the dishes (those bochurim were really nice guests, such nice boys, maybe I can find them a shidduch?) and now, there are 5 table settings to scrape down instead of the usual 2. The meal was wonderful, the singing spectacular. You rethink your menu and pat yourself on the back for every course that worked out so well. And you start washing dishes.
In the morning, your husband returns, happy and tired.
“Tatty is sleeping! “Shhhh!” is the chorus of the morning. You do your best to keep the kids entertained while setting up for another meal, and maybe even a dairy kiddush. You are tired too, the baby was up at 5:30 a.m.. And the mess, it just keeps growing.
You barely get to put the cereal away, let alone set up for another meal.
Sometimes, it is hard to focus and to really feel that deep appreciation for our husbands’ learning.
Remember: you are human.
Feeling that way is normal. And in order to manage and cope with it all, you need to do two things:
1 – Keep in mind the goal here, the fact that you own the zechus of your husbands learning just as much as he does. And by you allowing him to do so, you get even more sachar.
2 – You need to be practical and HELP YOURSELF. Nobody will help you, you can only help yourself. By that, we mean, prepare yourself the best way you can. How?
We spoke to a few wonderful young women who have small children and have started staying home for Yom Tov. We asked them for their tips and advice.
Here is what they said:
“Set the table the night before.”
As simple as that. No matter how tired you are, set the table the night before, after you have finished clearing up the table from the meal. The house is quiet, the kids are asleep and you will wake up in the morning knowing that at least that part is done. You will start your day one step ahead already.
“If you can, get cleaning help. Especially if you are hosting.”
Even just 2 hours of help makes a huge difference. Let your help wash the dishes, sweep, and also watch the kids so that you have 15 minutes to get dressed in peace.
“Set yourself up for success.”
Erev Yom Tov or Yom Tov morning is no time to patchke and prepare fresh dishes. Cook as much as you can, in advance. Henny, a mother of 4, including a set of twins and a 2-year-old, says that even though her siblings make fun of her for starting to cook so much in advance, it’s worth it. She works during the day, so her way of getting to Yom Tov unfazed is by preparing one dish every day after work. Also, she prepares a menu that makes sense and doesn’t need any last minute prep. Yes, she might fry one item fresh but she will make sure that the rest of the meal is ready to go and just needs to be heated up. Be realistic of what you can handle, don’t leave too much for last minute. It also helps to know which serving dish you are using for which dish, so that you don’t waste time thinking about it during the meal.
“Have zero expectations and go with the flow.”
“Have fun with the kids instead of expecting them to entertain themselves. Mothers can enjoy themselves with their kids. An example would be to all chill on the porch and you can have your coffee and relax while the kids are playing–they’re happy that you’re there alongside them.”
These are the wise words by Chaya Suri, mom of 5, who has learned what’s truly important.
“It’s all about letting go. Nothing is supposed to be a certain way. Have fun and make simple meals and set a basic nice table. Priorities.”
“Have a backup plan.”
A new toy goes a long way. Save it for that moment when you most need it.
Make sure to go with your children to the library before Yom Tov and save that fresh stack of books for Yom Tov mornings.
“Let the kids ‘help’.”
Malky, mom of 3 adorable boys under the age of 4, says that her kids love to help. “Give them jobs in the kitchen like getting me ingredients from the fridge or pantry…I always put chairs by the counter and they “help” me make salad or whatever I am making…or more like eat it. I give them a spray bottle with paper towels and ask them to clean the table and chairs or anything in sight. During the week, I save all my tissue boxes, water bottle cases, diapers, and wipe cases for them to unpack into bins so I have a few minutes of quiet–they love doing these jobs (But in real desperate measures, candy usually does the trick!).”
“Have a clear list of what you are serving.”
Suri, mom of 3 boys says that having a menu in front of her helps you focus on what you need to defrost/heat/chop up. Kids can be distracting; don’t rely on memory.
“Have plans”
Natalie, who has a newborn to tend to, recommends having a plan. “Take the kids to the park, if you can, on Shavuos morning. The house will stay clean and the kids will let out some steam.”
Reena, recommends inviting another family to kiddush, it keeps everyone busy and entertained, and you get to divide the workload. Also, it’s important to speak to another adult during those long hours alone with little children.
We are sure that you also have tips and ideas too. Please put them in our comment section below! Let the conversation continue!
Pretty disposables! Yes it’s Yom Tov, but starting to wash dishes, glasses, cutlery, servingware so late at night, knowing you’re on night and morning and day duty, does not make sense. Use them for daytime too, why not? There are so many gorgeous options. For sure meet up with another mom or a few, it’s a sanity saver. Some ladies arrange a communal kiddish for ladies and kids in the morning. Keeps the kids entertained, ladies dont feel alone, you’re not chalishing for hubby to wake up to start the meal and provide some structure to the day, and no one is hungry. And try somehow to inject some ruchniyos into the day for yourself. It’s hard with little ones, but it’s your Yom Tov too. There were some great tips in a previous post. What I find helped me the best was going to a shiur. Besides the inspiration and reminder of what we’re doing, I got out, socialized, no kids, it was a lovely break. And no prep or input from me 🙂 Hatzlacha ladies!!!
Regarding menus, please be aware that it’s prohibited to read menus on Shabbos / Yom Tov due to the gezerias Chazal of “shtarei hedyotos” and a concern that maybe the author of the menu will want to make changes and will end up writing or erasing. See Shulchan Aruch 307:12, Mishna Berura 307:47.
One suggestion is to have the menu put away and a different family member read it to you. (This doesn’t help on Shavuos morning if your husband is sleeping and you don’t have kids only enough to read, though!)
My Rav said that as long as the menu is in a plastic/sheet protector it is okay, since you won’t make changes…
There’s also a problem using measuring cups and spoons…. So anything that beds exact measurements should be done in advance
Some say you can put the menu in a sheet protector so no potential of writing on it.
Great ideas, thank you! Regarding setting the table the night before – if it is not “miyad”, ie right before the meal, you can run into potential borer issues.
Personally, in any case, I wouldnt do it. Go to bed! You’ll be up soon enough and there’s tons of time to do it the next day. Perhaps it can be an activity with the kids – bonus. And by setting it up at night, you run the risk of the kids messing it up or breaking things.
Regarding setting the table the night before and doing borer, on yom tov the halachos of borer are different than on shabbos. Ask your Rav for specifics….
My toddler would wreck the table…
Some things that help in my house – when my toddler is napping I plate everything that I can. Make salads, dressings, everything that I can do so that during the Seudah I can be at the table. I personally don’t cook on yuntif because it is too stressful for me to know that I must cook or we won’t be able to eat. I set the table while he’s napping also and when he wakes up is usually outside play time until we’re closer to the seudah and I don’t have to keep him out of trouble for too long.
We have “yuntif books” – any themed books that relate to the yuntif. For Shavuos we have some about gedolim, some about matan Torah, about Shavuos itself, Megillas Rus, and about Chessed. We have “circle time” in the morning and have davening time and read some books and sing some songs that the kids know that are related to the yuntif. I have special treats for the kids who participate nicely or at least don’t bother siblings who are enjoying it! I also daven Hallel out loud – my oldest joins in for the parts she’s learned and everyone else just plays while I’m singing.
We also have “mentschens” at the table – all the helpers get “mitzvah mentschens” during the seudah. They love hearing about the things that they did to help make things run smoothly and are so proud of the reports Tatty!
Thank you for this great, practical advice. My kids would also wreck the table–we just try to keep the house somewhat clean before the seudos. I love the ideas to do circle time and daven together–I hope to remember to try that out on yontif
Food is the trick!! From breakfast to snack to cheesecake to ices and snack again. A little outdoors than indoors in pajamas. Than little outdoors indoors dressed. Remember your the program director not them!!
Don’t quote me but I always assumed that the night before is the same day and hachana is allowed. Not necessarily will there be Borer if your silverware is divided. Great tip!