Purim and High Expectations - Between Carpools

Are we missing something if everyone else seems to be having a ball? Purim is a day with so much potential, and for many, it can be emotionally and physically challenging too. If you find Purim to be hard at your stage of life, some of these tips may be relevant for you.

Do you know those days when you make your morning coffee, but before you get a chance to sit down and drink it, your attention is diverted, and you’re needed somewhere. You walk around holding the coffee, but you never actually sit. You try to take a sip or two, but pretty soon, it’s cold.

So you put it in the microwave. And then the same thing happens again. By the time you take it out of the microwave the second time, the coffee is no longer appetizing.

And you feel like something is missing. Perhaps you feel like you missed your chance to process, to mentally organize your day, to gather your energy for the tasks ahead.

The only solution is to be up before everyone else. To get that time to fill yourself–spiritually and physically–before you start filling everyone else.

It’s like this on Purim. As a woman, it’s possible that you’re at one of two extremes. You’re either overwhelmingly busy taking care of everyone’s needs. Or, if you’re single, still waiting to build a family, or your kids are grown, perhaps there’s the feeling of not knowing where to be or go when everyone else seems to be super busy or having a grand time.

Sometimes, there’s that empty feeling that starts to fall in as the sun begins to set. Purim was supposed to be so amazing, so exciting, so exhilarating, but now you’re just feeling nauseated from the sugar rush.

It can be that beautiful, exhilarating day, just in a different way.

One or some of these perspectives might be relevant for you:

Fill yourself before you fill everyone else. If it works, try your hardest to get up early before everyone else. Daven, say Tehillim, hear the Megillah…early. This might not work if someone has small children and their husband goes to vasikin, but for everyone else, it’s the most practical solution to feel that you had a meaningful and accomplishing Purim. Once you take care of yourself, you can then feel fulfilled in moving forward to the next role of your day of taking care of everyone else.
Don’t have expectations. It’s not a day for you to have a blast. Just keeping the ship afloat and keeping everyone safe is a good accomplishment! We have memories of the Purims of our youth and as an adult, we sometimes are left wondering “What happened to my Purim? Why don’t I love it anymore like I used to? What changed?” Remind yourself that what changed is the fact that you are a grown up and your responsibilities changed. You are not here anymore as a child enjoying the day without a care in the world. You are the adult that needs to tend to the drunk husband or teenager/get everyone where they need to go, and serve a meal perhaps. So now, it’s your turn if you will, to give over those warm memories you have, to your kids.
Your house will get messy. Be ok with it. You can sort things as they come in. You can create a table for incoming and a table for outgoing. But at some point, some uncontrollable mess is going to happen.
Start with a healthy breakfast. That goes for your family, too. Let everyone at least start with some nutrition. If you are makpid to wash twice, then wash the first time in the morning. No one goes or comes until that one healthy meal. It will affect everyone’s mood in a positive way. Then don’t try to control the junk the rest of the day.
If pictures are important to you, put your kids in their costumes and take pictures ahead of time, whether it’s the day before or a couple of days before. Take that stress out of your life.
Know that there’s not only one way to enjoy Purim. If you don’t have a place to be, a party to go to, make your own meaningful structure to the day. Fulfill the mitzvos and choose the activities that make it a day that’s uniquely yours. One single girl we know used to spend the morning fulfilling the mitzvos–an early Shaharis, Megillah, Tehillim, giving her two mishloach manos. Then, she would treat herself to an annual shopping trip at an outlet for a few hours before ending the day at a seudah. She didn’t sit around waiting. Her day had a structure and she looked forward to Purim this way. (She is now married with children, BH.) For that person, it wasn’t about the shopping, it was about thinking about the day and preparing for it in a way that would keep her in the best frame of mind.
Remember that the captain of the ship isn’t sitting in the dining room. The captain is in charge. He isn’t lounging with the passengers. He is there to make sure everyone gets to their destination safely. He’s not singing along with the entertainment or sitting down to enjoy a multicourse meal. Yet, he’s the most integral and respected person on the ship, even if he never steps out of the steering room.