Has the pursuit of an organized life gone too far?
If it looks good, it must be good – right? If the house is always clean and very neat, if every toy is in its bin and every dish is in its cupboard, then everything must be okay, no?
“A beautiful and organized home gives me peace of mind,” Libby says. It may give Libby peace of mind but getting there robs her family of theirs. Libby’s husband and kids complain that they can’t breathe or “be normal.” Libby is constantly asking them to put things away, clean up the mess, refrain from touching, moving or breathing on things and so on. “I’m not going to have a home like this when I grow up,” says Fraidy, Libby’s eldest. “I don’t want to live in a museum. I want my children to be able to relax in their own home.”
Can a homemaker create a calm, healthy, functional family environment both emotionally and physically? Sometimes. She will need certain things. For instance, she’ll need time – if she’s holding down a job then in her off-work time she’ll have to decide between quality family time and home organization time every day. Unless, of course, she has hired help that is able to organize and clean her home for her. Then she can offer a calm, relaxed mom to her family and concentrate on building loving relationships. No hired help? Then she’ll need a very organized mind, practical experience and know-how, interest in and/or desire to clean and tidy, good parenting skills (to enlist cooperation) and a helpful spouse, in order to make a presentable, functional home while having a functional family life. But if she isn’t so naturally organized or lacks the knowledge and know-how gained from growing up in a well-run home, or if she free spirited and hates domestic chores, well, it’s going to be a lot harder for her to invest her energies equally in building a beautiful home AND a beautiful family.
Let’s put it this way: the whole “beautiful home” thing is a wonderful project for those who have hired help following the kids around all day or who possess the competencies and desire necessary to create this sort of environment in a calm and loving way. It’s not for everybody. It’s definitely not for those who can only attain a lovely looking family home by creating a tense, unlovely looking family environment. Because if you have to choose between a functional home and a functional family then a functional family wins hands down. There’s nothing more important than a home that flows with peace and love.
The good news is that the choice is usually not that black and white. Parents can focus on mood and relationships WHILE keeping things clean and efficient ENOUGH. A well-placed bin, a couple of chore wheels, some standards but not the highest possible ones – will help ensure that there are clean dishes to eat off of, clean clothes to wear, clean spaces to work in. The goal is to live in a home, not a magazine shoot. Glossy pictures of smiling children in gorgeous matching outfits sitting beautifully at their designer kitchen bar are just glossy pictures. Make your kids’ hearts shine instead. That light will glow forever.
When I click on the link to her site, it says it can be reached
Fixed it now. Thanks for letting us know.
Thank you for bringing this topic up- my question is if Libby’s mother put family first, why did Libby feel resentment at her childhood environment thereby saying “no way I’m replicating this when I grow up”. And therefore didn’t value the effort her mother poured into family time. What’s the missing link?
I believe that the missing link is simply inborn trait of Libby to be critical, and to take the blessings in her life for granted, as an “of course everyone has this type of acceptance and love”, as a given, and simply using her inborn, critical eye to want to take it up a notch and have an spic and span home. It can’t be helped, people, including Libby, are born with inborn characteristics that they will need to work on throughout their life’s journey, that even the most well-balanced mother cannot prevent.
I feel that this response is critical. There should be a middle ground. Perhaps, Libby’s personality is such that she functions better in an organized environment– something her mother did not provide.
I find PY’s comment to be critical.
Perhaps, Libby’s personality is such that she functions better in an organized home. Something her mother did not provide.
There should always be a balance, a middle ground.
I recently bought this book from Tziri Hershkowitz. Hakol Beseder is a homemaking guide that makes sense and can fit into anyones life without compromising on your families emotional wellbeing. For me, it is life altering. This is the link to it. http://hakolbeseder.org/products.php#!/Hakol-Beseder-Book/p/401618548/category=0
Good Luck to all!!!
Has anyone else used this book and can give a little more information on it? I would love to hear more…
I’ve owned that book for years and love it. Of course I’m not always good at implementing everything, so every once in a while I take it out for a refresher. But I had followed all kinds of schedules, routines, lists, etc and they never worked.. and I realized it was because they were not based around a frum lifestyle. Her system makes sense because she “gets” how my day goes, if that makes sense. Totally worth looking into IMO
hi! i love this! you got me hooked to it! justwondering… what if the husband is a very origanised neat type and can not handle mess and she isnt naturally so origanised and tidy???
It’s a common problem actually! One solution is to hire as much help as can be afforded. It is going to be less expensive than marriage counselling! If help isn’t possible to get help then hopefully the husband will do as much as he can while appreciating that his wife has other wonderful attributes. And if course, the wife will need to stretch to do more and learn more about efficient homemaking in order to bring her husband as much peace of mind as sh
Wow. This really struck a chord with me.
While I’d love to have a clean organized home I consciously decided that my family needs are more important than the organization (which drives my husband mad but he does very little to help matters).
I’m not a naturally neat person and we can’t afford much hired help and I really try both myself and training the kids but I can’t be a policeman all day and I’d rather use my last drop of energy to make fun memories then to always be the cleaning law enforcement.
But it’s hard. Because it means my house is messy no matter how much I put in to keep it clean.
At least I know I’m giving my all to help my kids with their needs.
snap!!!! can we be friends? lol
most people i know are by nature the neat and tidy type…
This is great! In todays social media age, where you see people living seemingly perfect lives it’s so important to realize what’s really important in life. Great article!! Thank you!