As a parent, you can be much more effective when you don’t panic.
The kids were playing quietly – 10 yr old Meira and her new friend Rachel – so Naomi wasn’t sure whether she should interrupt them to offer snacks. “Oh, why not?” she wondered to herself, “they’re probably hungry by now.” And with that she opened the door to Meira’s room.
What she saw sent panic into her heart: right there on the floor of Meira’s room sat Meira and Rachel – looking at a magazine full of inappropriate pictures. Naomi’s mouth opened by itself and she started to yell at the top of her lungs. “WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE??” Rachel jumped up, grabbing her magazine off the floor and stuffing it in her backpack. Meira, turning white, repeated over and over, “Nothing Mommy. Nothing. I didn’t do anything. I don’t know why she brought it. I told her not to.”
“I’M CALLING YOUR MOTHER RIGHT NOW TO COME GET YOU”, Naomi barked at Rachel. Then turning to her daughter she added in a menacing tone, “AND YOU, YOUNG LADY, YOU HAVE A LOT OF EXPLAINING TO DO!”
I’d like to tell you all the events that unfolded over that night and the next few days, but I haven’t got time right now and that isn’t really the point of this article.
The point is: parenting is a provocative experience!
There are things that happen when we’re raising our children that infuriate us, terrify us, shock us, confuse us, disturb us, bother us, depress us and otherwise upset us.
Developing human beings, a.k.a. Children are wild cards. They are impulsive, curious, learning machines, driven to experiment and explore. Their nature is to get into all kinds of mischief and serious trouble, to get hurt, hurt others, cause damage and otherwise wreak havoc. Yes, some are more placid than others, but if you’re raising a houseful of boys – well, I wish you all the best! And girls – I mean, you just read that story above….
A parent has to be prepared for everything and anything. And by “be prepared” I mean, be prepared to respond appropriately, and by “respond appropriately” I mean be able to educate, bond, love, guide, protect, influence and help her kids grow.
The task is going to require a little premeditation. When forethought and planning hasn’t occurred, it will unfortunately be replaced with reactivity. Reactivity is what we see above in Naomi, a loving parent who just isn’t prepared for real-life parenting. Reactivity, fueled by adrenaline, happens to frightened, exhausted, overwhelmed and furious parents. It is an emotional response to a very hard day, but it is not parenting.
Think of the costs of Naomi’s reactivity to both Meira and Rachel.
- What are they learning here about communication?
- What are they learning about emotional regulation?
- What are they learning about sexuality?
- What are they learning about themselves, their bodies, their self-concepts?
- What was it that Naomi wanted them to learn?
- Did she even know?
- Or did she just panic?
We can’t anticipate much of what will happen on our parenting journey.
What we can do, however, is learn general principles that can hold us steady when we’re balancing on a ledge.
Parenting is one of the most difficult – and most rewarding tasks – we will ever engage in.
Applying ourselves to it through continuous learning not only builds our confidence and strengthens our heart, but also helps us do the very best we can.
I understand about not panicking, but what SHOULD the proper reaction be when finding our kids doing things like mentioned above?
Can you write a part 2?
Agreed! It’s not very helpful to hear what not to do without any examples of what to do instead.
Anything that is calm!
Oh wow girls this looks interesting- please pass me the magazine.
I was just coming to see if you wanted snacks. Are you girls hungry. Then over snacks you can decide if it’s the time to ask questions that are just for information. So whose magazines is this? It’s ok you’re not in trouble, it’s just important that you hear from a trusted adult about these kids of things, not from a magazine. I’d love to talk to you abt it Meira and answer any questions etc. and Rachel your mom would want you to be able to talk to her too. I’m going to keep this for now and we’ll go from there. What do you girls think?
Love this!
The choice of example, the choice of picture…..is this necessary?
agreed
I think the choice of example just leads to a completely different discussion, which wasn’t the point of this article.
A different example would have better supported the point that is being relayed.
Why what’s the problem RF? I would panic if that happened to me!
i think this situation called for a display of emotion! even if only a display and the mother keeps calm inside
Actually the opposite. Displaying such an emotion with this particular example will teach a child that they are bad for doing what is completely normal – being a curious child. Not going to elaborate here, but please don’t get dramatic about such matters; it is a terrible approach.
Lovely concept, and now please would you develop the points fully. Parents know they shouldn’t panic. Please give an alternative way to respond in the heat of the moment to complete this idea.
One of the points of the article- is to prepare beforehand how you will speak to your children about certain topics so you are equipped.
There are many courses available for mothers who would like to figure out and develop how to approach the conversations in a way that resonates.
For example: Faigy Pollack, Chani Felberbaum, Fally Klein, Pessy Schwartz, all these names can be looked up and see which program speaks to you the most.
Sarah Chana Radcliffe has a variety of courses herself! She is an excellent writer, but her classes go well beyond in terms of giving parents the tools and skills we need. They’re all available online.
It’s an awesome example because, as one poster mentioned, she and probably many of us would panic. And sarah chana is pointing out that even in such an situation, dont panic or get emotional. Don’t even display such a reaction, even if ur calm inside. You want open communication and you want your daughters to feel comfortable sharing these topics specifically. All yelling would accomplish is tell ur girls, mom is not a safe address to ask, discuss or share these topics with. Proceed with caution.
Not panicking (screaming) and not showing any emotions are not the same thing. Not showing any emotions, staying blank when you see a kid doing something you think is not the right thing to do?
I’m just here to say that there is someone out there that thinks its perfectly acceptable to show emotions to your children!!
you can register surprise but the only thing overreacting will achieve is to teach your child that they must not forget to lock the door next time.
Actually had the mother not known what the kids had been up to and never finds out they’ll have been no worse off for wear in the long run.. we’ve all been there done that it’s part of growing up especially when there’s all types around you . So chill out.
This absolutely should get a strong reaction. They’re doing a spiritually dangerous thing. And its definitely okay to show how much this is unacceptable. The mother in the example didn’t abuse them, she just expressed her very legitimate shock.