You work so hard to make Shabbos, but no one feels calm. Rather, you go into Shabbos with a tense feeling. How do you turn things around?
You picture a warm Shabbos table – candles glowing, zemiros and divrei Torah filling the room, everyone laughing and talking together.
Instead, it sometimes feels more like a battlefield: siblings bickering, kids disappearing the second the food is served, parents feeling deflated that what should be bonding time turns into tension.
Shabbos is supposed to be the heartbeat of the Jewish home – it is central to all that we hold dear in our religion and family life. But the gap between what we dream of and what actually happens can feel so painful.
Take Shani, for example.
She’s a devoted mother who loves Shabbos. She poured herself into the preparations. She spends hours cooking, setting a beautiful table, making sure every detail was just right. But by Friday afternoon, she was frazzled and worn thin. Her kids weren’t helping as much as she wanted, so her words came out sharp and clipped.
Instead of anticipating Shabbos with joy, her children began to dread it. To them, Shabbos meant tension, orders, and conflict.
Shani was heartbroken. What was most precious to her – Shabbos itself – was the very thing pushing her children away. She admitted she had been hoping it would get better on its own, but it only got worse. The hardest part? Knowing those negative feelings were sinking into her children’s hearts, shaping their view of Shabbos in ways they wouldn’t even realize, and might carry with them for years.
That realization was heavy.
But there was hope.
Together, we began working on small shifts, we discussed ways to invite her teens into Shabbos instead of pushing them. It didn’t transform things overnight, but slowly the atmosphere began to soften.
Here’s one strategy that helped Shani take the first step:
1. Shift from pressure to appreciation.
Instead of focusing on what her kids weren’t doing, she noticed the little things they did. “Thanks for sweeping the floor, I feel calmer when my surroundings are neat and clean.” At the table, she pointed out their contributions: “I love how you got us laughing,” or “That was such an interesting point you raised.” It seemed simple, but it changed everything. Her kids felt seen, the tension eased, and the table slowly became lighter, warmer, more inviting.
2. Pause and breathe before reacting.
Tension often escalates because parents respond in the moment, snapping, correcting, or lecturing without a pause. Taking even a few seconds to breathe, collect thoughts, or silently choose words makes a huge difference. When children see their parents staying composed in stressful moments, it teaches them how to regulate their own emotions and helps the Shabbos table remain a space of calm and connection.
3. Plan ahead and rotate responsibility.
Make Shabbos more engaging by giving each child a turn to contribute. One week they might come up with a game, the next a story, a song, or another fun activity for the whole family. This builds excitement, pride, and anticipation, lightens the load for parents, and naturally fosters laughter, connection, and shared memories.
Because Shabbos doesn’t have to be perfect to be powerful. What matters is the atmosphere we create, the warmth, belonging, the connection. Those are the memories our children will carry long after the candles are out, and the dishes are cleared.
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