You can still relinquish trying to control things in your marriage without dropping the balls.
You’re carrying so much.
The kids, appointments, supper, Shabbos, homework, registering for school, playgroup and camp, calling the plumber, paying the dentist bill, dealing with the car inspection…
And he… just lives his life.
Maybe he’s not a bad guy. He’s not cruel. He’s not out partying. He’s just… not helping.
At least not in the way you desperately wish he would.
You think, “If I don’t take care of it, no one will.”
And maybe that’s actually true.
But being the “responsible one” all the time is draining. Exhausting. Lonely.
And you may wonder:
Why should I stop controlling things when that’s the only way anything gets done?
Why should I let go if he’ll never step up?
Why is it always ME?
You’re not wrong for feeling this way. Any woman carrying the entire load would crack under the pressure. Your frustration makes sense. And you deserve so much compassion for how hard you work.
This isn’t about pretending he’s secretly amazing, or promising that if you try one magic technique, he’ll suddenly wake up a new man.
This is simply about one skill – a way to remove some of the weight on your shoulders even if he never changes.
The Real Problem: Carrying the Weight + Carrying the Control
When a woman feels overwhelmed and unseen, she often starts controlling without even realizing it.
Not because she’s bossy.
Not because she wants power.
But because she feels unsafe.
So she jumps in—
“I’ll speak to the mechanic.”
“I’ll just fill out the forms.”
“I’ll remind him three times or it won’t get done.”
Control becomes the default mode because the alternative feels like letting everything fall apart.
But here’s the real, painful truth:
Even though controlling everything keeps the balls in the air, it drains your energy and blocks connection.
It makes you feel like the only adult in the home.
It creates resentment.
It makes you feel alone, even when you’re married.
So what can you do?
Relinquishing Control (in Small, Realistic, Doable Ways)
Relinquishing control does not mean you trust him blindly.
It does not mean you pretend he’s perfect.
It does not mean you drop the ball and let life crash.
It means choosing, slowly, gently, to stop trying to manage what isn’t actually yours to manage.
It means stepping out of his lane so you can breathe again.
It means letting go of the anxiety-driven instinct to oversee, correct, supervise, remind, teach, or push.
It means allowing him to be himself, even if he is inconsistent, slow, forgetful, or different from you.
Relinquishing control is not for him.
It’s for YOU.
Here’s what that looks like in real life:
1. Let him handle something his way, even if it’s messy or imperfect.
If he’s bathing the toddler and the bathroom becomes a splash-zone?
If he gives the kids cereal for supper?
If he dresses the baby in stripes and polka dots?
You breathe.
You let him.
2. Step back from things you took over only because you were scared he’d mess up.
For one week, don’t remind him about trash night.
If he remembers, great.
If he forgets, the world does not end.
It creates learning – his learning, not yours.
3. When you feel the urge to fix, teach, or direct – pause.
Try saying:
“Whatever you think.”
“I trust you on this.”
Or simply swallow the comment and walk away.
Even once a day is a win.
4. Focus on what’s actually yours to control: your desires, your voice, your choices.
This is where your power truly is.
Why This Works (Even If He Never Changes)
Here’s what relinquishing control actually changes:
1. YOU feel calmer.
You stop micromanaging every detail.
Your shoulders soften.
Your nervous system settles.
You feel lighter.
2. YOU regain dignity.
Instead of being the household drill sergeant, you become a woman who chooses what she does and what she lovingly puts down.
3. YOU reconnect with who you were before you became so burdened.
The kallah who didn’t come into marriage to be a project manager.
The woman who wanted partnership, not pressure.
4. YOU stop tying your happiness to his behavior.
You reclaim your own inner peace instead of waiting for him to wake up one day magically transformed.
5. YOU get back your energy.
Not because he changed, but because you stopped drowning in tasks that were never meant to be yours alone.
6. YOU create space for connection.
Not because you forced it, but because letting go of control opens a quiet doorway where warmth can seep back in.
None of this requires him to change.
None of this depends on him stepping up.
This is the part that belongs to you and only you.
When Letting Go Brought Peace (Not Perfection)
My client, Sarah, was exhausted from carrying everything.
She didn’t trust her husband with anything, even remembering to pick up milk.
One day she told me, “I can’t live like this anymore. I’m angry all the time.”
We worked on tiny moments of relinquishing control:
- When her husband offered to take the kids to school, she didn’t tell him which way was the fastest way to go.
- When he loaded the dishwasher “wrong,” she let it go.
- When he forgot to call their son’s rebbe, she didn’t remind him.
A few things did fall through the cracks.
But something else happened:
She felt less tense.
She felt more like herself.
She wasn’t simmering with resentment all day.
And here’s the real shift:
She said, “I finally feel like I have my life back.”
Her husband didn’t suddenly become superman.
He didn’t become more helpful overnight.
But she changed.
Her peace returned.
Her heart and her home softened.
Her marriage felt warmer, not because he improved, but because she stopped living in fight-or-flight.
You Don’t Need Him to Change in Order to Feel Better
You don’t have to wait for him to:
- read your mind
- become more responsible
- develop initiative
- help more
- take over the load
- turn into the husband you wish he could be
You can begin to feel lighter, calmer, and more connected today, through one small act of relinquishing control.
Not because he deserves it.
Not because he will magically change.
But because carrying everything alone is too heavy for anyone.
And you deserve a life that feels peaceful—even if he remains exactly the same.
Love this! So true. And just to add- when you take control of a situation and show your husband that he isn’t doing it ‘right’ or your way, he won’t want to do it anymore. If he loads the dishwasher wrong, or takes the kids to school a different direction, the tasks are still done! But if you tell him off or take over, he’s never going to want to do it again. By taking control, you’re just adding unnecessary pressure on yourself
Hi Michal, Thank you adding this, it’s such an important piece of the conversation. When we correct, redo, or take over, it often sends the message (even unintentionally): “You’re doing it wrong.” And most people stop volunteering after that. Relinquishing control isn’t about lowering standards; it’s about lowering the pressure we carry and creating space for partnership instead of supervision.
Zakah
Wow, what an amazing article! Just what I needed!
Love how you are being realistic and admitting your husband may not magically change but letting go of control will have a positive effect regardless.
Thanks!
Thank you so much, Debbie. I’m really glad it resonated. Yes, that’s exactly the point… waiting for someone else to change keeps us stuck, but letting go of control gives us back our peace. Even small shifts can make such a big difference. So grateful you shared this.
Zakah
This is a great tool for someone whose husband offers help and they just need to step back and not micromanage. But what about us whose husbands won’t offer unless asked/nagged?
Hi Huvi, That’s such an important question. For many couples, it isn’t that a husband doesn’t care or doesn’t want to help. Sometimes initiative slowly fades over time without anyone meaning for that to happen. When someone feels corrected often, or worries they’ll do it “wrong,” it can quietly take the wind out of their sails. And most people, very naturally, pull back when they feel managed or directed, even if the intention behind it is good. It’s such a common dynamic, and it develops gradually, not because anyone did something wrong, but because relationships are complicated and patterns form over time. I really appreciate you sharing this. It’s an important part of the conversation and one that so many women relate to, even if they don’t say it out loud.
Zakah
Or what about when picking up the pieces of things done wrong is way too disproportionate to the “help”? In theory it’s nice to surrender control, but if I’ll wake up from my 25 minute Shabbos nap to water all over the floor, every toy/game/book out, though my kids didn’t play with any, some of my kids out by friends (no clue which), the toddler on the counter with a sharp knife….. I don’t feel relief from having given up control. I feel deep frustration/anger. And next time, I will not take him up on his very kind offer (unless I-micromanage-every-detail-before-I-leave). I know that’s my choice, but then, when I don’t have a choice (needing to go feed the baby, put the toddler to sleep etc.) then I’m stuck. My husband is a very wonderful helpful normal man, yet so many times that I gave up the control, I had long-lasting ramifications and regret (obviously bigger areas than Shabbos naps). And I’m very aware that I “wear the pants” in the house, and realize how it’s affecting my husband and our relationship. I don’t expect actual troubleshooting on this public forum, but I’m sure this is something other readers struggle with and I’d appreciate general clarification on this issue.
Listen to Leah Richeimer from the ladies talkshow. (or buy her book). Listen to a good few shiurim / talkshows before deciding it’s not for you. I could be wrong, but I think it could change your life, provided there are no underlying mental health issues. She addresses a lot of similar questions, and you can write in with your own nuanced scenarios. Hatzlacha
Hi, I really appreciate you saying this so honestly and vulnerably. Even though this skill sounds simple on the surface, it’s actually very nuanced and complex. Applying it in real life, in real moments, with real history and real pain, is not easy at all.
There are so many layers involved, like timing, tone, emotional safety, and past experiences, and that’s why this work can feel confusing or even frustrating to figure out on your own. It’s not a one-size-fits-all approach, and it doesn’t look the same in every situation. And you are always the expert on your own life. If, in a certain moment, letting go feels unsafe or scary, it makes sense to choose control. That choice doesn’t mean failure. It means you’re protecting yourself in the best way you know how at that time. This isn’t about forcing yourself into a box or doing something that doesn’t feel right. It’s about awareness, choice, and compassion for yourself along the way. Thank you for sharing so openly. Your thoughts add so much depth to the conversation.
Zakah
My exact thoughts when reading this. What if the results of his irresponsibly will be my children? Unsafe driving with kids in car etc, They cannot be a pawn here. A clarification would be so appreciated! Thank you.
Thank you so much for saying this. Your concern makes so much sense. Your kids’ safety comes first. Always. Your instinct to protect your children is healthy and appropriate. This is exactly why this work is so nuanced. Thank you for voicing this so honestly. I’m really glad you brought it into the conversation.
Zakah
They are his children too! If we stop seeing our husbands with negative labels and assuming he is incompetent, then you will most probably be surprised with how responsible, thoughtful, attentive he truly is! People, especially our children and husbands, live up to the expectations we have for them- Both positive and negative. Try it!! You won’t be disappointed!
Remember Hashem??? No harm is going to happen to your children unless Hashem decides! Wow it’s so so sad how we ladies can be so controlling and single handedly erode our marriages!! If we stop trying to control our husbands, and instead, if we were really nervous about the toddler and the knife, driving in the car and any other example people listed, we davened to Hashem!! We daven “Hashem I want to be a good wife and have amazing shalom bayis but I’m nervous about xyz, please keep our kids safe and help me be loving instead of controlling.” We could actually help keep our kids safe by letting Hashem take care it and not make our husbands resent us or feel degraded! Chazak V’amatz ladies!! We can do it!
I think that this post might apply to regular husbands but there are many of us who struggle with highly ADHD husbands and letting them have control is really a different league. I am in $100k of debt because I let my husband control the finances. He is very impulsive and loves to feel generous and the result is that we are maxed out of dozens of credit cards now. Who do you think is benefiting from this control? And when it comes to kids safety-if you came home and found your 2year old on a city street themselves because of husbands mismanagement it will take a lot to trust him with kids again. It’s not that we need certain things to go our exact way hit that our husbands really don’t think any of our concerns matter at all, which is not a healthier place to live in either. How would you advise someone with a ADHD husband to function without feeling soley responsible for a large part of the functioning of the home and family?