You can still relinquish trying to control things in your marriage without dropping the balls.
You’re carrying so much.
The kids, appointments, supper, Shabbos, homework, registering for school, playgroup and camp, calling the plumber, paying the dentist bill, dealing with the car inspection…
And he… just lives his life.
Maybe he’s not a bad guy. He’s not cruel. He’s not out partying. He’s just… not helping.
At least not in the way you desperately wish he would.
You think, “If I don’t take care of it, no one will.”
And maybe that’s actually true.
But being the “responsible one” all the time is draining. Exhausting. Lonely.
And you may wonder:
Why should I stop controlling things when that’s the only way anything gets done?
Why should I let go if he’ll never step up?
Why is it always ME?
You’re not wrong for feeling this way. Any woman carrying the entire load would crack under the pressure. Your frustration makes sense. And you deserve so much compassion for how hard you work.
This isn’t about pretending he’s secretly amazing, or promising that if you try one magic technique, he’ll suddenly wake up a new man.
This is simply about one skill – a way to remove some of the weight on your shoulders even if he never changes.
The Real Problem: Carrying the Weight + Carrying the Control
When a woman feels overwhelmed and unseen, she often starts controlling without even realizing it.
Not because she’s bossy.
Not because she wants power.
But because she feels unsafe.
So she jumps in—
“I’ll speak to the mechanic.”
“I’ll just fill out the forms.”
“I’ll remind him three times or it won’t get done.”
Control becomes the default mode because the alternative feels like letting everything fall apart.
But here’s the real, painful truth:
Even though controlling everything keeps the balls in the air, it drains your energy and blocks connection.
It makes you feel like the only adult in the home.
It creates resentment.
It makes you feel alone, even when you’re married.
So what can you do?
Relinquishing Control (in Small, Realistic, Doable Ways)
Relinquishing control does not mean you trust him blindly.
It does not mean you pretend he’s perfect.
It does not mean you drop the ball and let life crash.
It means choosing, slowly, gently, to stop trying to manage what isn’t actually yours to manage.
It means stepping out of his lane so you can breathe again.
It means letting go of the anxiety-driven instinct to oversee, correct, supervise, remind, teach, or push.
It means allowing him to be himself, even if he is inconsistent, slow, forgetful, or different from you.
Relinquishing control is not for him.
It’s for YOU.
Here’s what that looks like in real life:
1. Let him handle something his way, even if it’s messy or imperfect.
If he’s bathing the toddler and the bathroom becomes a splash-zone?
If he gives the kids cereal for supper?
If he dresses the baby in stripes and polka dots?
You breathe.
You let him.
2. Step back from things you took over only because you were scared he’d mess up.
For one week, don’t remind him about trash night.
If he remembers, great.
If he forgets, the world does not end.
It creates learning – his learning, not yours.
3. When you feel the urge to fix, teach, or direct – pause.
Try saying:
“Whatever you think.”
“I trust you on this.”
Or simply swallow the comment and walk away.
Even once a day is a win.
4. Focus on what’s actually yours to control: your desires, your voice, your choices.
This is where your power truly is.
Why This Works (Even If He Never Changes)
Here’s what relinquishing control actually changes:
1. YOU feel calmer.
You stop micromanaging every detail.
Your shoulders soften.
Your nervous system settles.
You feel lighter.
2. YOU regain dignity.
Instead of being the household drill sergeant, you become a woman who chooses what she does and what she lovingly puts down.
3. YOU reconnect with who you were before you became so burdened.
The kallah who didn’t come into marriage to be a project manager.
The woman who wanted partnership, not pressure.
4. YOU stop tying your happiness to his behavior.
You reclaim your own inner peace instead of waiting for him to wake up one day magically transformed.
5. YOU get back your energy.
Not because he changed, but because you stopped drowning in tasks that were never meant to be yours alone.
6. YOU create space for connection.
Not because you forced it, but because letting go of control opens a quiet doorway where warmth can seep back in.
None of this requires him to change.
None of this depends on him stepping up.
This is the part that belongs to you and only you.
When Letting Go Brought Peace (Not Perfection)
My client, Sarah, was exhausted from carrying everything.
She didn’t trust her husband with anything, even remembering to pick up milk.
One day she told me, “I can’t live like this anymore. I’m angry all the time.”
We worked on tiny moments of relinquishing control:
- When her husband offered to take the kids to school, she didn’t tell him which way was the fastest way to go.
- When he loaded the dishwasher “wrong,” she let it go.
- When he forgot to call their son’s rebbe, she didn’t remind him.
A few things did fall through the cracks.
But something else happened:
She felt less tense.
She felt more like herself.
She wasn’t simmering with resentment all day.
And here’s the real shift:
She said, “I finally feel like I have my life back.”
Her husband didn’t suddenly become superman.
He didn’t become more helpful overnight.
But she changed.
Her peace returned.
Her heart and her home softened.
Her marriage felt warmer, not because he improved, but because she stopped living in fight-or-flight.
You Don’t Need Him to Change in Order to Feel Better
You don’t have to wait for him to:
- read your mind
- become more responsible
- develop initiative
- help more
- take over the load
- turn into the husband you wish he could be
You can begin to feel lighter, calmer, and more connected today, through one small act of relinquishing control.
Not because he deserves it.
Not because he will magically change.
But because carrying everything alone is too heavy for anyone.
And you deserve a life that feels peaceful—even if he remains exactly the same.
Love this! So true. And just to add- when you take control of a situation and show your husband that he isn’t doing it ‘right’ or your way, he won’t want to do it anymore. If he loads the dishwasher wrong, or takes the kids to school a different direction, the tasks are still done! But if you tell him off or take over, he’s never going to want to do it again. By taking control, you’re just adding unnecessary pressure on yourself
Hi Michal, Thank you adding this, it’s such an important piece of the conversation. When we correct, redo, or take over, it often sends the message (even unintentionally): “You’re doing it wrong.” And most people stop volunteering after that. Relinquishing control isn’t about lowering standards; it’s about lowering the pressure we carry and creating space for partnership instead of supervision.
Zakah
Wow, what an amazing article! Just what I needed!
Love how you are being realistic and admitting your husband may not magically change but letting go of control will have a positive effect regardless.
Thanks!
Thank you so much, Debbie. I’m really glad it resonated. Yes, that’s exactly the point… waiting for someone else to change keeps us stuck, but letting go of control gives us back our peace. Even small shifts can make such a big difference. So grateful you shared this.
Zakah
This is a great tool for someone whose husband offers help and they just need to step back and not micromanage. But what about us whose husbands won’t offer unless asked/nagged?
Hi Huvi, That’s such an important question. For many couples, it isn’t that a husband doesn’t care or doesn’t want to help. Sometimes initiative slowly fades over time without anyone meaning for that to happen. When someone feels corrected often, or worries they’ll do it “wrong,” it can quietly take the wind out of their sails. And most people, very naturally, pull back when they feel managed or directed, even if the intention behind it is good. It’s such a common dynamic, and it develops gradually, not because anyone did something wrong, but because relationships are complicated and patterns form over time. I really appreciate you sharing this. It’s an important part of the conversation and one that so many women relate to, even if they don’t say it out loud.
Zakah
Or what about when picking up the pieces of things done wrong is way too disproportionate to the “help”? In theory it’s nice to surrender control, but if I’ll wake up from my 25 minute Shabbos nap to water all over the floor, every toy/game/book out, though my kids didn’t play with any, some of my kids out by friends (no clue which), the toddler on the counter with a sharp knife….. I don’t feel relief from having given up control. I feel deep frustration/anger. And next time, I will not take him up on his very kind offer (unless I-micromanage-every-detail-before-I-leave). I know that’s my choice, but then, when I don’t have a choice (needing to go feed the baby, put the toddler to sleep etc.) then I’m stuck. My husband is a very wonderful helpful normal man, yet so many times that I gave up the control, I had long-lasting ramifications and regret (obviously bigger areas than Shabbos naps). And I’m very aware that I “wear the pants” in the house, and realize how it’s affecting my husband and our relationship. I don’t expect actual troubleshooting on this public forum, but I’m sure this is something other readers struggle with and I’d appreciate general clarification on this issue.
Listen to Leah Richeimer from the ladies talkshow. (or buy her book). Listen to a good few shiurim / talkshows before deciding it’s not for you. I could be wrong, but I think it could change your life, provided there are no underlying mental health issues. She addresses a lot of similar questions, and you can write in with your own nuanced scenarios. Hatzlacha
Hi, I really appreciate you saying this so honestly and vulnerably. Even though this skill sounds simple on the surface, it’s actually very nuanced and complex. Applying it in real life, in real moments, with real history and real pain, is not easy at all.
There are so many layers involved, like timing, tone, emotional safety, and past experiences, and that’s why this work can feel confusing or even frustrating to figure out on your own. It’s not a one-size-fits-all approach, and it doesn’t look the same in every situation. And you are always the expert on your own life. If, in a certain moment, letting go feels unsafe or scary, it makes sense to choose control. That choice doesn’t mean failure. It means you’re protecting yourself in the best way you know how at that time. This isn’t about forcing yourself into a box or doing something that doesn’t feel right. It’s about awareness, choice, and compassion for yourself along the way. Thank you for sharing so openly. Your thoughts add so much depth to the conversation.
Zakah
My exact thoughts when reading this. What if the results of his irresponsibly will be my children? Unsafe driving with kids in car etc, They cannot be a pawn here. A clarification would be so appreciated! Thank you.
Thank you so much for saying this. Your concern makes so much sense. Your kids’ safety comes first. Always. Your instinct to protect your children is healthy and appropriate. This is exactly why this work is so nuanced. Thank you for voicing this so honestly. I’m really glad you brought it into the conversation.
Zakah
They are his children too! If we stop seeing our husbands with negative labels and assuming he is incompetent, then you will most probably be surprised with how responsible, thoughtful, attentive he truly is! People, especially our children and husbands, live up to the expectations we have for them- Both positive and negative. Try it!! You won’t be disappointed!
I’m happy for you that you don’t seem to have the concept that some husbands can be incompetent. Yes, sometimes the wife may be overreaching and have created that negative cycle where she forced him into this role, but also, sometimes husbands can just have major issues!! No amount of positive expectations can fix major issues. It’s such a nuanced topic, I fail to see why people are so black and white on this.
Hi Shira, You’re absolutely right that this is a nuanced topic. The article’s intention is not to suggest that every situation can be solved by a single shift. It is simply to speak to one piece of a complex picture, which is the part that’s within a woman’s control. There are often dynamics that are super hard to navigate, and in those cases, support and outside help are essential. Thank you for sharing your thoughts honestly and respectfully.
Zakah
Hi Elisheva, This is such an important perspective. So much of what we see really is shaped by the expectations we carry, and when those shift, the dynamic often shifts with it. Appreciate you adding this thoughtful insight to the conversation.
Zakah
Remember Hashem??? No harm is going to happen to your children unless Hashem decides! Wow it’s so so sad how we ladies can be so controlling and single handedly erode our marriages!! If we stop trying to control our husbands, and instead, if we were really nervous about the toddler and the knife, driving in the car and any other example people listed, we davened to Hashem!! We daven “Hashem I want to be a good wife and have amazing shalom bayis but I’m nervous about xyz, please keep our kids safe and help me be loving instead of controlling.” We could actually help keep our kids safe by letting Hashem take care it and not make our husbands resent us or feel degraded! Chazak V’amatz ladies!! We can do it!
I love the part of involving Hashem. Actually, we’re not involving him. He initiated the situation! We just have to remember to be responsible humans and do the best that we can. We need to have responsibility. The rest is on HIM.
Hi Ahuva, Thank you for this beautiful reminder. We all need so much siyata d’shmaya. May we all be zocheh to grow and bring peace to our homes with His help.
Zakah
I think that this post might apply to regular husbands but there are many of us who struggle with highly ADHD husbands and letting them have control is really a different league. I am in $100k of debt because I let my husband control the finances. He is very impulsive and loves to feel generous and the result is that we are maxed out of dozens of credit cards now. Who do you think is benefiting from this control? And when it comes to kids safety-if you came home and found your 2year old on a city street themselves because of husbands mismanagement it will take a lot to trust him with kids again. It’s not that we need certain things to go our exact way hit that our husbands really don’t think any of our concerns matter at all, which is not a healthier place to live in either. How would you advise someone with a ADHD husband to function without feeling soley responsible for a large part of the functioning of the home and family?
Hi Tova, I can hear how much pain and exhaustion you’re dealing with.
This post wasn’t meant to suggest that every situation looks the same or that one approach fits all marriages. Some dynamics are far more complex and can’t be addressed in a single article.. There are times when things feel too challenging or hopeless to navigate without support and guidance. These kinds of situations deserve sensitivity and a much deeper conversation than a comment thread can hold.
Zakah
FIrstly I appreciated that in the comments section the author gave some qualifiers to relinquishing control. This is something that many Laura Doyle coaches fail to do- address the fact that some husbands are simply incapable and surrending control can be dangerous and irresponsible in such a situation. That’s the problem with Laura Doyle in a nutshell- the fact that it’s marketed as a one-size-fits-all instead of discriminating between dynamics and the failure to give qualifiers that those tools only work between 2 relatively healthy spouses and can be dangerous if used with a dysfunctional husband or one with personality trait issues. However, this whole article sounds very AI.
Hi Shira, I hear the concern you’re expressing, and I agree with one important point you made: this work is never one-size-fits-all. These tools are not meant to be applied blindly. They can be tricky and often require help to apply successfully. This particular article was written to address one very specific dynamic: the exhaustion and resentment that come from carrying everything and micromanaging. And thank you for the compliment on my writing style 🙂 I’ve always written in a clear, engaging way that probably comes from decades of publishing articles, toiling over assignments for my MBA and coach training programs, and working closely with women one-on-one. It’s less about formulas and more about trying to put complicated experiences into words that are easy to digest.
I didn’t read through all the comments so maybe this was addressed already. I’m just wondering how a wife if supposed to feel more calm when things aren’t getting done? There are bH many things my husband does and other things that I do. But if I stopped reminding him about tasks that he’d forget or asking for help when it’s needed and bills weren’t getting paid or teachers weren’t being called back etc I would not feel at peace – I’d be more resentful and now angry at myself for not giving the reminder – at least then it would have been taken care of! What am I missing here?
The point is noticing what costs you more: the task not getting done, the weight of trying to manage everything, or the cost to your relationship. Sometimes, taking care of something yourself or reminding him to do it is the right choice. And sometimes letting go is the more important choice. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer.
Zakah
I’m very disturbed by this article.
BCP, please stop posting marriage advice that paints men as the enemy.
“And he… just lives his life.”
Are you serious?
My husband, my father, my brothers, they all carry real responsibility. The responsibility of being a husband, being a father, and supporting their families. Even when there is a second income, the financial pressure still sits heavily on the man.
“Maybe he’s not a bad guy. Maybe?!”
Maybe?!
You married him. He’s the father of your children. He’s a son, a brother, a friend, and your husband. Why is the assumption that he’s selfish or checked out?
What are you telling thousands of women, that most men are inherently bad or incompetent?
We need to change the narrative about our men. They are not the enemy. They are partners. This kind of language breeds contempt and poisons marriages. I’m honestly shocked this showed up on my phone, and that thousands of women are reading it and walking away thinking, “I carry so much, so my husband must be a checked-out man-child.”
Hi Kayla, I hear the care and protectiveness you have for men, for husbands, and for the dignity of marriage. I think we’re actually much closer in perspective than it seems. This article was not written to paint men as lazy, checked out, or incompetent, and certainly not as “the enemy.” The intention of the piece is to acknowledge the experiences of *some* women and to give them empowering tools to shift their perspective. It is not a statement about all men or even most men. It’s written from that moment of overwhelm, not as a judgment of husbands as a group. The goal is never to breed contempt or undermine respect for men. In fact, my work is fundamentally about restoring respect, softness, and partnership in marriage, not tearing it down. I appreciate you speaking up and sharing your experience. It’s this kind of dialogue that helps refine and deepen the conversation.
Zakah
Your hook clearly states “he… just lives his life… maybe he’s not a bad guy”. Most guys would find this offensive. Would you consider removing this statement from a public forum, especially from an article that’s supposedly pro marriage.
This article frustrates me because it diminishes a very real build up of resentment to something that can supposedly be solved by breathing through cereal for dinner and mismatched outfits, when for so many women the anger isn’t about splashes on the floor, it’s about years of unequal responsibility, invisibility, and carrying a marriage that was meant to be a partnership. “Letting go of control” is framed here as an internal nervous-system fix, as if the problem is a woman’s anxiety rather than a relational dynamic where one spouse consistently doesn’t step up. It feels dismissive to write that peace is just a matter of looking away and recalibrating expectations while nothing materially changes. That doesn’t resonate with me at all. It actually feels insulting to wives by subtly locating the burden and the solution entirely within them, and to husbands by assuming so little of their capacity for any growth or accountability.
Esther, I feel for you. I really do. And its so painful for me to read, But hes not changing, You know it. So maybe you can change? And then youll be happier? Nobody is dismissing your frustration. Nobody is telling you that your feelings aren’t real. But because they care and want you to be happy- their suggesting an alternative, Once you change- you might notice him change, That might happen. It might not. The problem is what it is. (Hes doing things wrong. I’m frustrated). But the solution isn’t to be nag more, explain more or cry more. Do you think if it didn’t help until now all of the sudden it will help?
Do you really want to be 76 and still be telling your husband how to cut the challah? And rolling your eyes at the way he ____. Or do you want to be the beautiful diginified queen that you can be- even if your husband is _____(you fill in the blank). We only live one life and its worth it to invest in making ourselves into better people, and wives and in this way our husbansds have the space to become the husbands they really want to be. Your burden is on you. You have to do your best. Thats what Hashem wants from you.
Hi Esther, Thank you for taking the time to write this. I hear how painful it is to deal with years of loneliness instead of what was supposed to be a partnership. Letting go of control is not meant to pretend that nothing is wrong. It’s also not about lowering the bar because men are incapable of growth. It’s about this very specific (and very hard) distinction: *Where does a woman actually have power, and where has demanding change been costing her peace and dignity? Many of the women I work with have tried everything you’re naming: explaining, reminding, managing, holding it all together, asking nicely, then not nicely, and after years of that, they’re not “anxious”, they’re angry and resentful. Relinquishing control is not passive resignation. It focuses on the one place she has real power: herself. Not as an admission of fault, but as a way to stop sacrificing her own well-being.Thank you for sharing honestly.
Zakah