Is Your 11-12 Year Old Son Overbearing? It’s a Stage.

And we knew it’s helpful to know if you’ve never experienced it before.

When one of our friends mentioned that her son had been acting difficult lately, we all grinned and nodded. Of course. We hated that stage. Been there, done that. We all have big kids and little kids and we’ve seen all the stages come and go. For our friend, this was her oldest child so she hadn’t yet experienced this new stage. We realized that it’s very comforting to hear “this is a stage” and it’s normal. It makes a mom feel a bit better.

For us, this discussion came up one time at a meeting a couple years ago–that’s when we realized that we had all gone through the same thing and we had no idea that it was normal. We thought it was just our own kid. 

We realized it was worth bringing the topic up over here so the moms out there would also know. Because– no one ever told us that there was going to be a time when our 11-12 year old boy was going to be extra hard to handle. The moment that we felt validated and learned that it’s not going to last forever made all the difference.

Once you know it’s temporary, the angst is gone.

So we’re telling you: Do you have a preteen boy who seems to be taking over the house? Is he fighting with and bothering all his siblings and seems to be sucking all the energy out of the house? Are they always “sooooo bored?” and need constant attention? Yup, normal.

It’s not their personality or middos. It’s just an aggressive stage. 

Here’s why.

It’s a unique stage–at this point in their lives, they’re maturing and can handle more, but it’s not yet being demanded of them. Their brains are changing. They’re still kids, still immature, but they’re developing and growing and this is part of that maturing process. 

Once they’re bar mitzvahed, you’ll see they magically grow up. They’re accepted as “adults” and respected. The world looks at them differently and expects more of them. They have responsibility on them that is real. They feel more like adults. They need to get to minyan and they have a busier, more structured schedule. 

Some boys act mature in the beginning months after the bar mitzvah, then backtrack a bit after getting more on track; don’t worry, that’s normal too. They’re already going in a good direction. 

Family dynamics can have a lot to do with how extreme this stage will be. If it’s a boy surrounded by girls, he may be extra bored. If he has older brothers who are already mature, he will be less so, because he’ll naturally be less bored and more inclined to be structured like the rest of the boys.

A girl this age is already more mature than her male counterpart, and she’s more capable of keeping herself busy. 

It’s helpful to get him busy with pre-bar mitzvah responsibilities. Give him whatever structure you can (a hired chavrusa is great). Once he turns 13, you’ll see that the boy you wanted to kick out of the house soon becomes a mature teen you admire.