8 Ways to Keep Peace with Family Over Yom Tov

You’re spending more time than usual with the people closest to you. It’s not always peachy and wonderful.

Sadly, the time that we look forward to spending together often ends with a feeling of, “Thank G-d it’s over.”

That’s because, while we love our extended family, sometimes when we’re in close quarters with the same people for a long time, the worst of all our traits can come out. But it would be a shame to waste Yom Tov annoyed or upset. 

So, how to avoid it?

• Go for a walk often; take time to escape the crowd. Yes, you waited a long time to spend time together, but it’s fine to have some breaks. You’ll appreciate the rest of the time more. 

• Accept that kids will fight. You might think that her kids were at fault, and she’ll think her kids are angels. It’s not worth discussing it with your sister/sister-in-law because you will not be in agreement, and it will strain your relationship. Accept that kids won’t be perfect, especially when they’re spending lots of time together, and let the kids work it out themselves (unless it’s a physical, dangerous situation). Don’t let it affect the relationships between the adults. Kids will forget tomorrow, but the adults might not.

• Did you do more work than another sibling? Feel like you’re being taken advantage of? Keep telling yourself that you don’t care. You are happy to help, happy to make Yom Tov, happy to host, and it’s your zechus.  

• Major rule of thumb: Don’t say it. You’ll regret it.

• Don’t brag. Watch those conversations. Is one child a star student while a cousin struggles? Don’t talk about their accomplishments. Is one child very skinny while another struggles with her weight? Don’t talk about how you had such a hard time finding clothes that fit “because everything is so big.” Does one family struggle to make Yom Tov, while for another, it’s no big deal? Don’t talk casually about money spent. While all of these conversations might be fine in the right context, they can also hit a wrong chord and sting. 

• When there’s a topic family members have differing opinions on, don’t bring it up or, if someone else brings it up, change the subject. No one is gonna change their minds because of the discussion. 

• Give compliments! It works! Be genuine! This is especially helpful if you look at people critically. Giving compliments actually changes the way you think about them. It forces one to look for the good, and over time, you actually admire and look up to them!

• You’re going home (or, if you’re already home, they’re going home) in X amount of days. You have to get along for this time, because then you won’t see them for X amount of time. The time you spend together now is how they will remember you for the rest of the year or next few months!