What’s the Difference Between Tantrums vs. Meltdowns

Knowing the difference will help you determine which tools you’ll use to handle it.

Your husband comes home and you are EXHAUSTED. Done. Finished. And you need that to be understood so you don’t totally lose it. When your spouse walks in the door, you launch into a long list of things you have done all day, how little you slept, how long the line at the bank was and how many times each kid has spilled each substance; you sit down and look exhausted, let your voice get shaky to let him know you really are on the verge of losing it and then tell him you are going to lie down.

This is a well-adjusted, adult tantrum. You didn’t totally lose it, but you did forcefully use your language, your body language and the tone and volume of your voice to get what you really wanted/needed: the opportunity to lie down.

In contrast, a meltdown would be where he walks in and you fall apart (yelling, crying, uncontrollable emotional release). You might even fall apart before he walks in because it really has nothing to do with him (other than maybe, if you really feel safe with your husband, your nervous system waits for that safety to fall apart so you are not alone). You are not consciously trying to get his empathy and a nap, you are G.O.N.E.: GONE, other than a faint, perhaps self-critical, voice in the back of your head saying “you really shouldn’t be acting like this.”

I think this example is helpful because it addresses a common misconception that tantrums are manipulative (definition: characterized by control of a situation or person through dishonest or unfair means). Tantrums could not be more honest: they are a clear, loud way of telling the parent exactly what the child wants and how much they want it. It is a communication pattern that needs to be changed because a) it is not helpful for the child’s long term success in life, and  b) it really impacts the parent-child connection: it is hard to feel connected and loving to a child who is having frequent tantrums.

Thinking “he’s manipulating me,” will send you into a very punitive, angry headspace. Thinking, “what is my child communicating? How am I going to help this child communicate it in a socially acceptable way?” will help you stay in a more problem-solving headspace.

“So, what do I do?!?!?” I could spend weeks on this question, but here’s the b’kitzur:

If you are not sure if it is a tantrum or a meltdown, treat it like a tantrum. Try this technique 3 times. If you see no change or very little change, treat it like a meltdown.

Tantrum: 

1. Medical check: Does your child have strep? An ear infection? Allergies? Is he or she sleeping well? Eating well? When kids’ bodies are worn-out, they are always on the verge (like the over-tired wife) and they will be more prone to tantrums and meltdowns.
2. Create an incentive to help your child do what he/she should do instead of screaming and yelling. For example: if your child screams when they don’t get what they want, you can make a chart, put a pom pom in a jar or create a family store with tickets that earn something every time they say (not scream) “but I really really want that.” The incentive is a way to get the behavior to happen; the chinuch is your positive attention and the good feeling they get from it, so let them know how you see that they are working hard and how nice it is to see.
3. Really clear consequences about what happens when they are screaming so that there is not a lot of attention/reward for the tantrum. It is very easy to get into a habit of tantruming in large families because it does get attention at first; just think of it as helping your child get out of that habit. You can say something like “If you yell, I can’t give you what you are asking for. From now on, I’m going to wait until you calm down and ask in a calm voice before I talk to you about anything.”

If you make the consequence really clear and have set up an incentive that the child wants and is appropriate for their age (make sure young kids don’t have to wait too long for the reward) and you are seeing very little or no change after 3 days, treat the outbursts like a meltdown.

Meltdown:

A meltdown is an involuntary nervous system reaction to stress. It’s like the mommy in the example who is just so over-tired she falls apart into a weepy mess. 

1. Same medical check as in the tantrum section above.
2. During a meltdown (and again, this is the b’kitzur), your primary concern is keeping everyone safe and helping your child feel safe. It will come as a wave, getting more intense, peaking with some intense behavior and falling back to calm in its own time. The calmer you stay, the quicker it will pass, but you can’t really stop the wave. You can, however, prevent it.
3. Begin the process of becoming an investigator of your child’s stressors. What is stressing them out so much that they are losing it so frequently? Think about stressors in 3 main areas: sensory, social/emotional, and cognitive.
4. You can create incentives for things that reduce the stressors you find, but, in contrast to tantrums, you will find that consequences tend to make meltdowns worse and more frequent (not in every case, but more often than not) because they are involuntary and the child feels the consequence is unfair AND it creates additional anxiety during the meltdown.

As a final point: there is a blurry place between tantrum and meltdown; a tantrum can be overwhelming and send a child into a meltdown; if a child has a meltdown and gets a lot of attention during this difficult time, he/she can develop a habit of big behavior that has to be worked out like a tantrum. At the end of the day, you know your child. Parents have a powerful intuition about what will work. Trust yourself and take care of yourself. Tantrums and meltdowns are exhausting for parents and require self-care and support.

A meltdown is an involuntary nervous system reaction to stress. A tantrum there is some level of conscious choice.