Your Teen & Their Friends

If your teens rather spend time with the friends vs. you now, it’s normal. You can still be involved in their life while giving them space to grow up.

Parents may feel mixed emotions as they watch their teens grow up. They are happy, on one hand, that their children are no longer hanging on to their coattails, that they can leave the house without their child getting hysterical, but unhappy that they don’t seem to need them anymore, except as a cash source, and no longer want to spend time with them. Sometimes a parent will feel hurt or insulted. They may wonder if they did something wrong and that’s why their child doesn’t want to hang out with them.

It’s crucial to understand that their teen’s individuation (developing independence) is a normal part of growing up and, yes, growing away from the parents. Like the two-year-old who learns to say no but is only at the start of their journey of individuation, adolescence is another step in that vital process called growing up.

This stage of life is about them figuring out who they are.

They’re learning to develop their own sense of self. Part of that includes a natural need for independence and autonomy. They’re seeking their identity and self-expression, and friendships play a huge role in that.

Why It Is Beneficial for Teenagers to Spend Time with Friends

1. With friends, teens feel freer to express their thoughts and feelings, which helps them gain insight into who they are.
2. The social factor, including the strong desire to belong and peer pressure, causes teens to gravitate toward other teenagers
3. For a growing adolescent, developing social skills is essential. Time spent with friends helps them learn compassion, caring, and empathy. 
4. Interaction with their peers helps them develop a sense of autonomy and independence.

Remember: The number of friends your teen has doesn’t matter as much as whether they seem happy in their relationships. But if they don’t seem to have any friends, encourage them to join clubs, teams, or extracurricular activities so they can connect with peers who share their interests.

Nevertheless, although this is all normal and necessary, that doesn’t mean you as a parent should step back completely. Your role as a parent doesn’t stop because your kids are starting to back away.

Your teen still needs you, even if they don’t think so.

So, even if you need to be more covert, there are key actions you can and should be taking.

How to Stay Involved Without Holding Them Back

1. Get to know your teen’s friends.
2. Set limits on what they can do. By the way, it’s never too early to talk about unsafe behaviors. You can encourage them to surround themselves with friends who have good middos and values, kids who care about others, who try hard in school, and who make good choices. And while you don’t need to focus on bad influences, it’s worth mentioning the importance of staying away from the opposite. Make sure to state what’s non-negotiable—anything that compromises safety or morality isn’t allowed.
3. Set a curfew. Make sure it’s reasonable for their age and social circle. Be clear and consistent, but that doesn’t mean inflexible. If there’s no school the next day, for example, a later curfew might make sense.
4. Be clear. In your conversations, be very specific so there’s no room for misunderstanding.

The most valuable thing? Remind them that you’re on their side.
Explain that you set these rules because you love them and want what’s best for them.

That sense of security is vital, even if they push the limits. You can do it. Be strong. A real-life example of this is Shira’s daughter, Mindy. As a teenager, Mindy had a hard time with her parents’ limit settings. She constantly complained because her friends were allowed to stay out until very late, but she had a curfew. “You’re so mean, you’re always saying no. You never let me hang out with my friends,” she’d yell at them. When Mindy turned 20, however, she approached her mother and admitted how safe she felt those times that her parents were strong and didn’t give in to her demands. She now understood that their limit-setting and curfews were their way of taking care of her and providing her with security.