The Bar Mitzvah Guide

An Introduction

First, a story.

There was once a mother of a bunch of boys. From the time her oldest was 10 years old, she began imagining her first simcha.

She planned it in her head. She wanted a simple but tasteful Shabbos in the hotel, with only extended family–only the people who want to be there. She didn’t want it to be over after a couple of hours like an evening simcha, and besides, she didn’t like going to simchas. She felt she’d be uncomfortable getting all dressed, being the center of attention, and having to make small talk with too many people. 

Well, she learned, sometimes, what you envision doesn’t work. That went Plan A, so did Plan B, and finally Plan C, a night simcha, was the only option. She’d host a smaller Shabbos a couple of days later after her son read the Torah.

Do you know what she realized?

It doesn’t matter what she liked or didn’t like. It doesn’t matter if she’s uncomfortable at simchas. It’s not about her. It’s about her son! And he was very excited to dance at his own simcha!

There was another thing she learned after planning that first simcha and all her subsequent bar mitzvahs. All the little details that she thought matter, all the things she’d seen in the past and thought, “that’s so cute, I want to do that too”…don’t matter so much. 

If she needed to be stressed and have so many details on her head, then she was missing the whole point.

Yes, it’s fun to plan a party. But at the point that the fun unimportant details add stress instead of enjoyment, pass on them. 

So, to sum up, there are two most important things she learned are:

1. What will make your son happy and excited to begin this new stage of life?
2. How will you feel most calm and present so that your family can also enjoy this milestone?

Now, onto our Bar Mitzvah Guide

Tasks that you may need to take care of are broken down, from the items that need to be planned well ahead, to the bar mitzvah day. Note that as nuances among communities differ, many items may not be relevant to all. 

The Bar Mitzvah Checklist

Note that as nuances among communities differ, many items may not be relevant to all. 

6-12 Months Ahead:

• Order tefillin. Depending on the sofer your family prefers, you may need to do this more than a year ahead of time. 
• Book the hall/caterer. You do not need to do this so early if you are not particular about a specific place and specific day.
• For your son: Begin practicing to lein his parsha. This may include hiring someone to start learning the parsha with your son.
• For your son: Set a bar mitzvah goal. Optional, if the boy desires. Some boys flourish when there’s a challenge (i.e. finishing a mesechta/mishnayos), but don’t push if it’s not for your son. 
• The tallis bag. If your son will want a needlepoint tallet/tefillin bag, this takes a lot of time and should be started well ahead. 

2-6 Months Ahead:

• Arrange photographer
• Arrange music
• Arrange hair/makeup
• Work on your guest list
• For Shabbos Simchas: Work on accommodations for your guests

6-8 Weeks Ahead:

• Look for dresses for mom and daughters! Note, if you have girls that you would like to match, you will want to look in the beginning of the season. 
• Plan invitation or evite
• Order tefillin bag
• Shop for bar mitzvah boy (don’t tailor suits until 3 weeks before)

• Suit (or Bekishe if that is your custom)
• White Shirts
• Davening Jacket
• Shabbos Hat
• Weekday Hat
• Shabbos Shoes In case of a growth spurt, purchase these closer to bar mitzvah. Wear a couple of times around the house to break them in. 
• Weekday Loafers
• Tie
• Belt
• Shabbos Coat
• Depending on your family’s custom, the bar mitzvah boy might start putting on his tefillin at some point earlier than his actual bar mitzvah. Make sure to have his weekday clothing (hat/davening jacket) available for this day. 

3-4 Weeks Ahead:

• The speech/pshetel. The bar mitzvah boy will likely need assistance preparing and practicing this (Of course, this is often done at the last minute as well). 
• Mail invitations
• Finalize menu with caterer/arrange the shul kiddush
• Get girls accessories: socks, shoes, hair, shells if needed
• Get mom’s accessories
• Get little boys outfits / siblings suits / infants outfit / other new clothing if needed. You may want to do this in the beginning of the season, depending on when your bar mitzvah falls out. 
• Book rentals (i.e. tables/chairs) if you will need. This can also be done closer to the event, but it’s wise to plan ahead.
• Arrange tablecloths and other decor-related items. 
• Shabbos simchas: Take care of hostess packages/gifts for those hosting your guests. If this is something you will need, there’s no reason to leave it for last minute. 

1-2 Weeks Ahead:

• Give notice to those whom you would like to speak at the bar mitzvah. (It is recommended not to overdo this). 
• Confirm your vendors
• Book a babysitter to help you with your baby during the simcha. 
• Drop off your sheital to be done. 

That Week:

• Pick Up Your Sheital

The Day of the Simcha:

• Your makeup
• Your girls’ hair
• Eat lunch!

Bonus Tips

These are all the little tips and bits of information that we all pick up with experience. But, knowing it all ahead of time can’t hurt too! Note that depending on your type of simcha/community, many of these tips may not be relevant to you. Download our checklist first for an easy-to-reference month-to-month guide. 

The Tefillin

• Obviously, this is the first and most important item to take care of.  If this is your first boy, ask around for good recommendations of where to buy. Some people will choose to order from Israel, some will buy from a local sofer. Buying tefillin is not a shop-and-bring-home experience. It will take a few months for the tefillin to be ready, so make sure to take care of this 6 to 12 months or more (or more, depending on the sofer) before the actual bar mitzvah.

• When you visit the sofer, he will show your son different parchments to choose from to see what type of writing he likes. He will also need to decide what size batim he prefers. The tefillin will be made to fit your son exactly.

The Tefillin Bag / Koracha

• Besides for the tefillin bag, Yekkes and Sephardic boys will also need a larger bag for their tallis/tallet.
  
• A needlepointed tallis/tefillin bag is not minhag. However, if your son will be in a place where most boys have needlepointed bags, then it’s beautiful if you can do it. Needlepoints are not cheap (even the materials are expensive) and it’s very time consuming to create, so it’s not for everyone. Many people begin needlepointing a bag from a couple years before the actual bar mitzvah so it is ready in time.

A Bar Mitzvah Goal

• Sometimes, a bar mitzvah is a good time for a boy to set a goal in learning. This is not for every boy, but great for those who thrive with a challenge. This is not something that can be decided on at the last minute, but often something the bar mitzvah boy decides to do well ahead of time. The goal can be anything within the ability of the boy. Examples include finishing a small mesechta (such as Tamid), finishing additional perakim in the mesechta he is learning in school, learning parts or all of Mishnayos. If these seem too difficult, there are other beautiful goals, such as learning Sefer Chafetz Chaim, or a mussar or halacha sefer. Many are available in English if the boy is not yet able to learn and comprehend a sefer. Whatever the level, it is great for a boy to have a goal in learning for his bar mitzvah. 

The Speeches/Bar Mitzvah Boy Pshetel

• Know your crowd. If you know people will get distracted when there are lengthy speeches, keep it shorter. If your crowd is close family and friends, you have more flexibility as they may have a better attention span. Ask speakers ahead of time if you would like them to speak. 

Choosing the Type of Simcha

• The bar mitzvah is the only simcha where the ways to actually host the simcha are so varying, and it makes it much harder to decide and plan. Will you host a Shabbos simcha? A weeknight simcha? Some and some? (i.e. night simcha/smaller Shabbos). Still, other families choose to instead take the bar mitzvah boy to Eretz Yisrael for the occasion and not plan a simcha at home.
  
  Here are some questions to ask yourself:
• Are you insistent on a bo ba yom (bar mitzvah held on the actual birthday)? Then, the decision is easy because it depends on your son’s birthday. Even if you are concentrating on the night simcha, you will still want to have something on Shabbos, even if it’s a small kiddush after your son’s aliyah.

• Will it be hard or easy to put up family members in neighbors homes? If you have a lot of extended family that you want to invite, and you live in a neighborhood where neighbors are happy to host your guests, then a Shabbos is beautiful. If it’s difficult to find places for your guests to stay, or your extended family does not necessarily want to relocate for a Shabbos, then a night simcha is often much easier. Then, you don’t need to invite many for Shabbos. 

• Does your family live locally or all over the country/world? If people are flying in or driving from far, often it will be easier for them to come for a whole Shabbos vs. one night. You will need to provide accommodations anyway. 

• Does your son love to dance? The personality of the boy and whether he likes to vs. doesn’t like to dance should also be taken into account when deciding on an evening vs. Shabbos.. 

• Do most of your guests live within walking distance? Then, a big Shabbos kiddush is really the easiest. But it’s over quickly. Note that if you are hosting a lot of people who don’t live locally, you will be responsible for all of the Shabbos meals. It’s nice to spend extended time with family, but then it does become logistically more work than a night event. 

Planning the Simcha

• Bar mitzvahs can be planned in just a few short weeks (or even less!). If you do want to plan ahead, take care of the things that need to be booked, but try not to be obsessed with the superficial details. It’s not good to have tablecloths and centerpieces on your mind for a year. If you are planning ahead, don’t discuss it with others. People do not want to hear about your simcha taking place next year. (Perhaps they want to hear about it the week of!)
• Wait! Before you book the hall. Does your hall come with a specific caterer? Or do they give you a choice of specific caterers?  Are you comfortable with the pricing? Do you know what your intended upgrades will cost? Are they easy to work with? You can often get a feel if a caterer/hall is easy to work with from the initial conversations. This is important! If there are certain caterers tied to the hall you want, make sure you are comfortable with the options. If your hall lets you bring in the caterer of your choice, then you have more time to make a caterer decision. Often, though, it is more efficient and cost effective to plan a simcha in a caterer’s “home” hall vs. bringing in a caterer to a different hall that you’ve chosen. 

Photos

• Good photographers get booked up, and photos will be one of the items that are most important to you. Book this as soon as your date is confirmed. If you are planning a Shabbos simcha, you will want to take photos on Friday. You will need to have nothing on your Friday list if you want to be ready and calm enough to have everyone dressed and ready for photos. 

Hair/Wig and Makeup

•  It is a bit harder to find photography, hair, and makeup vendors on Fridays vs. weekdays. You will find, but the people you normally work with might not be able to work then. 

The Guest List & Invites

• The Complete Guide to Making Your Guest List is already available for you on Between Carpools. Of everything you need to do for your first simcha, this is the most work (it is not as much work the second time around). 

• Most invitation printers will also address envelopes for you for an extra fee. This is worthwhile and saves a big headache. 

• If you want to limit stamp expenses to 60 cents per envelope, ask your invitation printer what invitation sizes are one stamp. Sometimes, when an invitation is very large or very thick, it becomes a two stamp invite. 

• How soon before the event should you send out invitations? About three weeks before. If guests need to make travel plans/arrangements for kids/or will be staying over Shabbos, they should know a couple weeks earlier. 

Clothing

Boys/Men

• What you need largely depends on the time of year. 

• For the actual night/day of the bar mitzvah simcha, you will want to get your bar mitzvah boy a new suit. Even if you shop for it six weeks before, 13-year-old boys are at an age where they’re growing fast, so it’s best to wait to tailor it about 3 weeks before. Other items on the list for the bar mitzvah boy: new shirts, dress shoes, tie, belt. (If a bar mitzvah is taking place in May, and he just got everything new for Pesach, it is not necessary.)
  
• There is the clothing that your son will need earlier (this is not relevant in all communities). This includes, a davening blazer, a weekday black hat, and a Shabbos black hat. In some schools, boys begin wearing white shirts only once they become bar mitzvah, so he will need more of those too. In other schools, they start earlier.
  
• If it’s the wintertime, some boys like to switch from wearing a puffer coat to a dressier coat when they become bar mitzvah. Other boys like to switch from wearing chinos to dress pants daily; others switch earlier. He might want to start wearing loafers instead of sneakers. This all depends on your son’s preferences, community norms, and what other boys around him are wearing. This is not relevant everywhere. Many boys simply change the type of clothing they wear around bar mitzvah time because they are and feel more grown up now. 

• For the rest of the men/boys in the family. Whether you need new clothing depends on the time of year. If your bar mitzvah is in August, and they’ll be getting suits for Yom Tov anyway, then why not do it a little earlier and have the clothing for the bar mitzvah. If the bar mitzvah is in May, it’s probably not necessary to save a suit. Nothing will happen if they wear it on Pesach (unless it’s a little boy that tends to ruin things). For the littlest boys that might be in a light-colored outfit, save the outfit for the bar mitzvah so it’s fresh. Men don’t buy suits every season like growing children do, so a bar mitzvah is a good excuse/time to get a new one. 

Girl/Mom

• Clothing for yourself and your girls is really a personal decision, and there are no tips that can be relevant for all. It can also vary if you have one girl or a bunch, if you want them to match or not, and if it’s an evening or Shabbos simcha. It also depends on if your simcha is early in the season or not. If you have a simcha in March, April, or May, your daughters can definitely save that new clothing for your simcha. If you have a simcha in July or August, it’s hard to watch that beautiful summer dress hanging in the closet all summer long and then get worn once.

• A great alternative to the “gowns” that you might rent/buy/borrow is to buy nicer Shabbos dresses for your girls. Shop early in the season to find these. This can often be the same price or less costly than renting. There are certain brands that make beautiful dresses that are dressier than typical Shabbos dresses. We find that these “nicer Shabbos” dresses are beautiful for a simcha, but your daughter can go on to enjoy them throughout the whole season. Sometimes these dresses are more expensive than an average Shabbos dress, but sometimes they are not! Even if they are a little more expensive, it’s so nice to be able to enjoy a dress over many Shabboses, and not simply watch it hang in the closet after one-time wear. If you shop early, you will be able to find beautiful dresses that are suitable for both your simcha and future Shabboses. There are some brands that reliably make dresses each season that are a bit nicer and dressier than typical. 

• The Accessories. You might need: shells, socks or tights (depending on age), fresh Shabbos shoes (if it is early in the season, this is easy. If your simcha is midseason, buy new ones on sale), and hair accessories. When choosing hair accessories, keep the style that your daughter will likely wear in mind. Sometimes, just some baby’s breath is perfect for your little girls. 

• Girl’s hair. If your daughters’ dresses don’t include a zipper and the head opening is small, put the dress on before they do their hair. Hair is not like a sheital that can be put on afterwards. Dresses do mess up hair and move bobby pins!

• You will need alterations! If your simcha is in March and April, your dressmakers will be busy. This is another reason why you should get your clothing early in the season so it can be fixed in time! 

• Mom’s clothing. Whether you buy, rent, or borrow is a personal decision. If you have a baby (even if you will have a babysitter, you won’t be avoiding your baby for seven hours, from when you get dressed for pictures through the end of the evening), you don’t want something that will be destroyed from the baby rubbing against it. 

Decor Related

• If you use a party planner, you can skip this part. 

• You will likely need tablecloths. Options include: Using the white tablecloths supplied by caterer (if relevant); renting; or borrowing from a Gemach. If you are hosting at home and the schlep aspect is not relevant, polyester cloths can often be purchased for almost the same price as a rental. 

• To determine what you need: 

-Find out the size and number of tables that the hall has.

-Make a layout based on the number of guests you are expecting. If it’s a kiddush, you only need a small amount of tables. 

-Count how many tablecloths you will need for buffets. Don’t forget the dais!

-Make sure the tablecloth you want is available in the amount and size you need! If they aren’t, don’t wing it! Choose a different tablecloth (or, if you are set on your tablecloth, rent tables that fit). 

-Always get a couple extra of each size. You don’t want to end up knocking on the door of the rental place the day of the bar mitzvah because you didn’t realize you needed a tablecloth for the dessert table. 

• If you are using a caterer that includes white tablecloths, but you want something more decorative, it saves money and headache to choose a nice tablecloth that matches with white. This way, some tables can have nicer rented clothes as an accent, but you don’t have to worry about all of them. 

• Most halls will allow tablecloths to be picked up by the rental places the next day. If you borrowed from a gemach, you will need to bring them home with you the next day. Again, let the waiters know ahead of time what to do with the tablecloths so you are not dealing with this at the end of your simcha. 

• Flowers. If you are not using a party planner, your florist can handle this. Give the florist a specific list of quantity, budget, colors, etc. This can often be planned in one meeting. If you want to “borrow” flowers from a previous simcha or donate flowers after your simcha, many communities have local gemachs you can contact. Both the giver and receiver are thrilled to enable flowers to get a second life. Some communities even have beautiful faux flower gemachs. 

• Lighting. This is a newer item that adds ambiance at evening simchas. Dollar for dollar, good lighting goes a lot farther than other decor options and can change the feel of a space, making it warm and inviting.  

Food

• If you are having a night simcha, then you will work with the caterer to choose the options that work for your simcha. You will likely do this three or four weeks before the simcha, although there is usually a time frame up to when your caterer will allow changes. If you are using a caterer, this is usually the part that you need to worry about the least.

• If you are ordering separate desserts, sometimes the caterer or party planner will take care of this, but something you will choose on your own. Order from places who will deliver direct to your hall on the day of the simcha. You don’t want the headache of transporting anything! It’s not worth it. Nor do you want to send things to be delivered the day before when there might be another simcha taking place there, and things can get misplaced.

• If you are self-catering a simcha, then you need a whole different list of tips that go beyond the limits of this guide.

• Liquor/Wine. This is another errand that usually the father of the bar mitzvah boy likes to take care of and choose. 

Music

• A night simcha will need good music. Options include a keyboard/one man band, DJ, keyboardist & singer, or band with multiple pieces. This is a personal decision. 

The “Extras”

• If there are any extras that will entail extra schlep on the day of the simcha, or something you need to worry about during the simcha, it is not worth it. Skip. 

• Often, people like to put out a candy station or other forms of entertainment at a bar mitzvah.
  
• Said one son, “I don’t want candy at my bar mitzvah, because then my friends are busy with the candy and they don’t dance.” Some people like to have other entertainment for kids, but often, this is a diversion. Will friends be busy with things other than being misameach your son?
  
• If you do want people to have a memento for the evening, beautiful items include mini mussar sefarim, mini mincha-maariv, mini siddurim. These can get costly and are not necessary if not in the budget. Yet, rather than additional candy, they can serve as a beautiful zechus for your son.
  
• If there will be a lot of younger children at the bar mitzvah, then it is good to have a game or toy for them to play with when they get bored. See this post on Bringing Toys to a Simcha. Delegate this to a family member to bring along. 

• For tips on creating your own Hostess Packages, see these posts: Tips & Tricks to Make the Perfect Hostess Packages and The Perfect Hostess Box. Even if you don’t need to do this so much in advance, take care of it anyway so it’s crossed off your list. 

• If hosting a Shabbos simcha where there will be a lot of children, this is also a helpful tip: Happy, Fed Children at a Family Simcha

The Day of the Simcha

• Do not schedule anything except for girls’ hair and makeup this day. There should be nothing on your list. 

• If anyone asks, “Can I do anything for you?” if you are hosting a night simcha that evening, a great answer is: “Yes! We’d love lunch!” It’s something you don’t think of but is very appreciated and will keep everyone in a better mood. 

• Bring a comfortable stroller and blankets, and the right food for babies. It’s best to get a babysitter. Your baby might want to be held by you the whole night. Think ahead.