The music is loud. You don’t know who to talk to. It looks like everyone else knows way more people. Did you know that we all feel self-conscious in some social situations?
This was one of those topics that came up at a Between Carpools meeting – we’re not sure how we got started on the conversation, but when one of us mentioned that we feel awkward socializing at weddings–suddenly everyone began admitting that they too felt the same way.
We thought it might be helpful to share our thoughts on the topic–even if we don’t have solutions. Still, it was helpful for us to know that other people felt the same way. So we thought you might appreciate it too
The music’s loud–we feel like we’re supposed to be having conversations with people. It looks like everyone else is having conversations. And when we finally do find ourselves someone to talk to, we find ourselves simply nodding, making believe that we hear what they’re saying when we really don’t.
And then–when we go to dance with the kallah or mother of the kallah–or if we greet the baal simcha before the dancing–what do we say? Again, it looks like everyone else has something meaningful to say and you wonder what it was. But all we can manage beyond “Mazel Tov,” is the trite, “You look beautiful!” or “Your gown is gorgeous.”
“I feel like an airhead when I say that!” one of us said. Just what does one say to the baal simcha?
The thing is–at these moments–we think that we’re the only ones that feel this way. We look around and it seems like everyone knows who to talk to and what to say.
Perhaps it’s the same at night bar mitzvahs. Shabbos simchas, though, are definitely different. There, there’s no music and the crowd is more likely to be close family or neighbors, rather than a more diverse mix.
It seems that some of us are very outgoing and confident. But guess what:
Says one such outgoing person, “Sometimes, when there’s silence at the table, I say something stupid just to make everyone feel comfortable.”
What’s the point? Everyone else can appear totally confident. But even those people who appear confident don’t know what to say (and even feel self-conscious about what they chose to wear!). They feel the same way you do.
Regarding the what to wear: We also realized that no one else cares. If you feel good before you walk out the door, that is good. Put in the extra effort for yourself, so you feel confident. No one else is going to notice or remember.
One of us did marry off a child. And we asked her, “What did people tell you in the middle of the circle?”
She said, “I don’t remember anything specific.”
So if you also say nonsense to the baal simcha in the middle of the circle, don’t worry. You’re in the company of everyone.
How do you feel? Do you have advice on this topic?
Ok this post is super validating! I thought it was just me who never knows what to say to the kallah or mother of the kallah in middle of the circle! I usually just end up smiling and wracking my brains for what to say… 🙂
What an interesting conversation! I am totally not a socially confident person but I usually have good experiences by weddings. I agree with your advice about putting in the extra time so you feel good about how you look, I find that makes a huge difference. My other tip is to look for people you know and greet them warmly. It’s fun to get out a little bit in a social setting and other people feel great to have someone come over to them and will usually respond in kind. Also switch up where you sit thru the night, for a wedding, so you have a chance to talk to more people. Also the crowd will make a huge difference in how you enjoy a Simcha. Self talk can be helpful for an intimidating crowd. Remind yourself that you are a worthy and valuable person even if you feel like everyone else is more pulled together than you are. And then laugh at yourself because after all our insecurities are totally ridiculous
Always try to give them a bracha… that’s something that people remember and appreciate
With the fact that everyone is self conscious in mind, I find that what helps me enjoy a simcha is changing the focus to what I can give to others instead of my appearance.
I remind myself that I am there to join in the simcha because I care, and by just attending I enhance the Simcha. If I’m able to say something that makes the Baal simcha or anyone else feel good, that’s an added bonus.
I find that when we keep in mind that everyone else feels insecure at the wedding, we have more courage to go out of our comfort zone and go over to someone that looks like they don’t know anyone. That way we can really make a difference and walk away feeling great that we just made someone’s night.
Thank you for sharing such a relatable and validating article! Vorts can also present awkward situations, depending on where you know the ba’alei Simcha from and/or how many other guests you know. If you know the kallah’s family from the bungalow colony (or any highly specific setting), it can be very challenging to make small talk with one or two acquaintances in the room while waiting for a turn to say Mazel Tov. And while you’re scanning the crowd for a familiar face (because you’ve run out of topics with said acquaintances), it often seems like everyone else knows each other and has who to talk to.
I always say “ such a beautiful Simcha! Lots of nachas!” Give a meaningful hug and let the next person come into the circle.
I like to say ” You should see lots of nachas!” It goes for grandmothers and mother of kallah or chassan.
Omg!! Yes yes yes! This is me!
Is it the being a HSP highly sensitive person? An introvert? Good old Social anxiety? Even tried talking it through with a therapist to figure out the root cause . Would love real life tips.
Social anxiety workbook helped me to a big extent but I do still find myself dreading simchos and coming home drained.
I totally feel you! I am also an introvert and realized as I got older that I really hate small talk. I have struggled with some anxiety in social situations also. One thing I’ve been trying lately is to find someone who is alone or who also looks like they also wish they had someone to talk to and broach a conversation with them. You can start by introducing yourself and ask them how they know the Baal Simcha, something like that. They will also be appreciative that they have someone to talk to. I recently made a good friend this way. I noticed a new face at a kiddush in shul and introduce myself and we became good friends! It could be intimidating but the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Good luck!
I was /am a very shy person. But years that’s exactly what I did. I looked around at a melave malka for the loneliest looking person other than me & I went over to her & just introduced myself. The smile she gave me just gave me the confidence to always try to be that person to give the 1st smile or welcome. I’ve made so many friends that way. And to this day, I feel such sense of accomplishment when I’m the 1st one to introduce myself to a new face.
The worst part is when you find someone to talk to and then another person who you don’t know but who knows your acquaintance joins the conversation and starts talking to your acquaintance, ignoring you and you’re left standing there like a….
“Mazel tov, im so happy for you/ so happy to join in this Simcha with you” is always my go- to along with a Bracha.
Validating post even though I would consider myself pretty confident and an extrovert. Having said too many silly comments, by now I prepare before going over to the kallah etc. I try to think of a nice comment that is personal, maybe something I wouldn’t say to just anyone (not your gown is beautiful rather the color of your gown suits you face, the necklace works very well with your dress etc) and meaningful – a short bracha that they probably aren’t hearing all night long.
Love this convo!
I’m quite outgoing and can usually chat with people easily but I find that sometimes- esp if it’s a wedding of my husbands friends, or vorts can be even worse, I live in a different country from where i grew up so I’m really a bit out of it. I find it really hard! We went to a vort last week of his distant cousin and when we got there realized men and women were in separate rooms and NOBODY spoke to me… it was in a very tight knit community and it seems like they were all just silently assessing me . But at the end of the day I felt we’d made the right decision to go and say mazel tov, but wasn’t my favorite experience!!! We did go to a different similar one and there was this one amazing lady who saw I knew no one and ended up speaking to me the whole time and introducing me to others- which made it so much more bearable.
So interesting and very relatable ! I find that when I’m “I” focused I keep thinking about myself . Do I look good? Who can I speak to ? Is what am saying the right thing ? But when I’m “you” focused (focusing on others) my anxiety diminishes and I am focusing on oh let me make the kallah feel good or the mother etc . My anxiety is more tolerable and I feel good making others feel good . Or trying my best to .