Building the Love Step by Step

Working on Ahavas Yisroel in Preparation for Kabalas Hatorah

Lag B’omer is celebrated right in the middle of sefirah, a joyous day in the middle of the mourning. We are confronted with a reminder of why we mourn and why, today, we rejoice. We have been mourning the loss of thousands of our nation’s brightest and finest, who were wiped out because they lacked the high standards of ahavas yisroel demanded of them on account of their lofty stature. And today, we celebrate the cessation of their death as we remember the tragic consequence of not honoring and respecting each other enough.

We also know that working on Ahavas Yisroel is a vital prerequisite for receiving the Torah. Torah wasn’t given until we camped out in unity, like one nation with one heart, at the foot of that sacred mountain. And we know that we can’t fully be prepared to accept it again this year without working on unifying once again, like one nation with one heart. And so, as we celebrate Lag B’omer and the profound lessons it teaches us in respecting and loving each other, and as we continue taking steps toward kabbalas hatorah, here are some ways we can work on increasing our ahavas yisroel. 

Quick and Easy

It doesn’t always have to be so hard. We can build our ahavas yisroel and show our ahavas yisroel in small, easy ways. Here are some quick ideas. You can choose one and try it every day between now and Shavuos, or you can do a different one every day. By the time you get to kabalas hatorah, you will feel a deepening bond between you and your sisters. 

1. Say out loud every day: “I love klal yisroel!” Or “I love every Yid!” It takes no effort on your part, and the things we say enter our consciousness and make an impression on us.
2. Smile warmly when you pass someone on the street, stranger or friend. Spread the love!
3. Hold the door open for the person behind you. 
4. Give a sincere compliment, yes, to a stranger or a friend.
5. When you find you are about to say something negative about a Yid, or even worse, a group or sect of Yidden, swallow your words. Even if you say a hundred negative things and hold back once, that one time is so powerful. And maybe tomorrow, you can hold back twice. And the next day, three times. 
6. Write a note or send a text to someone you know who is going through a hard time. Extra points if it comes with a chocolate bar, flowers, or a plate of cookies. 
7. Encourage your family to say one kind thing every day that someone did for them, or something special that they saw someone else do.
8. Extend an invitation for a seudah or a Shabbos to someone who can use one. (Yes, it’s quick and easy to extend, not necessarily to execute, so it may require some stretching!)
9. Listen. Sometimes the greatest form of love you can show someone is to listen fully when they need to talk. 
10. Say thank you genuinely, even for small things. 
11. Let someone go ahead of you in traffic or in line at the supermarket. 
12. Whenever you hear your child, or even you yourself, say, “It’s not fair, why do they get…” gently correct it to, “I am so happy for them that they (extended their house, got an extra snack bag, went on vacation for the third time this year, etc.)” 
13. Give brachos! “You should be gebentched.” “Have a great day.” “Zei gezunt.” Say it and mean it because you don’t know the power your “simple” blessing wields. 
14. Say a kippitel of Tehillim for klal yisroel as a whole. and /or individuals you know are struggling. 
15. Share someone’s burden — even just saying, “That sounds really hard” can lighten their load.
16. Celebrate others’ successes without jealousy, even when you wish you had the same.
17. Offer quiet forgiveness in your heart, even if you can’t speak to the person directly.
18. Think of someone you know who often feels left out and make an effort to include them. 
19. Notice someone sitting alone and join them.
20. Ask someone, “How are you? I really want to know,” and then wait for an answer, making sure to listen well. 

When It Gets Harder

It’s not always so easy to love! Some people make it hard whether through their behavior, their attitude, the way they treat you or the way they practice Yiddeshkeit. Sometimes you can’t even explain why; you just aren’t feeling the love. When you feel that derision or annoyance rising, here are some tactics you can try to get your heart back on track.

Daven for them.

The lady in front of you at the chuppah cannot stop talking on her phone, in loud stage whispers that echo through the otherwise quiet ballroom. Your self-righteous annoyance is rising. Can’t she be quiet? Doesn’t she realize what a tremendous eis ratzon this is? While she may be wrong for talking during such a holy time, don’t let your own opportunities slip away in a haze of irritation. As you feel your blood pressure rising, stop and say to yourself, “Hashem please grant this woman shefa brachah, shalom bayis, parnassah, everything she might be lacking in her life!” 

You turn onto your block, when suddenly, an unknown  kid on his electric scooter swerves right in front of you before swerving away as you slam on your brakes. You are shaking, but he turns around and laughs and laughs. “Who raised this child?” You seethe. “What is wrong with today’s generation?” Stop for a moment and daven, “Hashem please help this child grow up to be a tremendous talmid chacham and bring tons of nachas to his parents. Please keep him safe and healthy all of his years and give him a long life filled with only blessing and joy.”

Your neighbor cut you out of the carpool for petty reasons. Now you need to drive your child to school and back every single day, while every other schoolmate in the neighborhood is part of the carpool. That is a lot of time to spend in the car, and you find yourself spending much of it cursing her in your mind. Switch to blessing instead. “Hashem please keep her healthy and well, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Give her nachas from her children and peace of mind.” 

When you turn your frustration into brachos, it can help put things in perspective and realize that really, you don’t hate these people, even if you are annoyed at them. You really do want the best for them and though you might not be feeling it in the moment, verbalizing it can help you get there faster. 

Focus on Qualities

People can be very annoying, and loving them is therefore hard. Their frustrating qualities take center stage and it is hard to see past them. Take a moment to find the kernel of beauty, to think about what is great and special about this person, because everyone has something. Your workmate who is overbearing and talkative also makes the most beautiful brachos. Your walking partner who is always late is also so generous and giving. If it’s someone you only encounter from time to time, or just in this moment, you can go through these qualities in your head. But if it’s someone who is a regular part of your life, keep a list. Write down every quality you can think of, and every time their less than stellar qualities get in your way, refer to your list. 

This also works when you find yourself with negative feelings toward people on different hashkafic wavelengths. Their derech is different from yours and there is so much that they do that goes against what you were taught is the best way to lead one’s life as an eved Hashem. But here’s the thing: we still have a chiyuv to love those who serve Hashem differently. We don’t have to agree with their derech in order to love them, but if we sit down and think about what they are doing right, we will find there is so much to admire. Make a list of their strong points, of what you can respect and admire about them and you might just find the love start to blossom. 

Acknowledge the Struggle

Often, people who are difficult are often struggling inside. If you can have compassion for their unseen struggle, you can find yourself softening toward them. Imagine the woman who gets on your nerves, the one you’d cross the street to avoid. Now imagine you get a call or text to say Tehillim for her because she needs tremendous rachmei shamayim. Wouldn’t you run to do so? Wouldn’t you let all of your harsh feelings melt away as you beg Hashem to spare her? You have no idea what someone is going through, and how their struggles make them act the way they do. Try to see each person you encounter as a human being, with fears and pains, with struggles and challenges. What pain, insecurity, or past hardship might be shaping their behavior? You don’t have to excuse it, but understanding can soften judgment. When you can have empathy, you will find room for love. 

If you do know what their struggle is, try to put yourself into their shoes. Imagine how you might feel and act having to deal with this right now. Imagine the kindness and empathy you might want from the people in your life, and then try to extend the same, or even more, to this person. Remember that every Jew has a spark of Hashem — focus on their neshama, not just their actions.

Start with Yourself

This should be first. Not everyone needs to hear this; some have no problem loving themselves as they should. But for those who struggle with self-love and self-compassion, this must be said. Ahavas Yisroel starts with yourself. You are a precious, beloved member of klal yisroel and deserve all of the love in the world. If you can’t love yourself, you will have a hard time loving others. After all, “V’ahavta l’reiacha komocha,” means to love your friend as you love yourself. This is a chiyuv to first and foremost love yourself. Think about the fact that you are a precious child of Hashem who brings so much light and meaning to the world, that even though you might stumble, you have so many qualities that are worth cherishing. When you learn to love yourself, you will hopefully be able to come to love others with that strength as well. 

Ultimately, keep in mind this quote: “We like someone because ___; we love them although ___.” Unconditional love, or ahavas chinam doesn’t need reasons. We love them even if they are different, even if they are annoying, even if they’ve wronged us. We love them as sisters and brothers, and siblings don’t need any reasons to love each other. And if it’s hard, then it’s even more important. It’s the hard work that truly builds us and refines us and makes us the beautiful people and the beautiful nation that we are. 

May Hashem help us get to the point that we can embrace each and every member of Klal Yisroel, so that not only are we worthy of accepting the Torah but we are worthy of the geulah shelaimah as well. 

Originally appeared in The Lakewood Shopper.