Hosting with Heart: Navigating Yomim Tovim with Sensitivity

It’s not just about how much physical space each family needs. There are some more things to consider when you’ll be spending Yom Tov together with families in different stages.

Sora is overjoyed. Baruch Hashem, she will be hosting her entire family for the Yomim Tovim this year. For the first time, all of her married children will be coming home. Her days are filled with lists, menus, and lively conversations as she coordinates which dishes her daughters and daughters-in-law will prepare, arranges sleeping spaces, and shops for gifts for the grandchildren.

As her day winds down, she looks through her “friends chat” reading any messages she might have missed.

• For the first time, though, looking at the messages gives her pause. 

Her friend Gitty is also hosting all of her children and trying to juggle sleeping arrangements. With four couples and four bedrooms, it seems simple enough, yet only two rooms have ensuite bathrooms and the smaller bedrooms feel impractical for families with more than one child.

Suggestions are shared, and then Dina chimes in. She is managing a similar challenge, compounded by the fact that her youngest son and daughter-in-law just had a baby, while her older son—married over five years and struggling with primary infertility—is also coming.

• The conversation quickly spirals into drama:

who will sleep on which floor, who gets the bigger room, how food prep will be divided.

Sora’s own daughter Miriam has been married six years and is also facing primary infertility. But in her planning, Sora hadn’t given it much thought. Miriam was always easy, never complaining about sleeping arrangements. She loved spending time with her nieces and nephews, gladly babysitting when the mothers needed a break.

But now Sora wonders.

• Had she overlooked something?

Has she been insensitive all these years? Should she be treating Miriam and her husband differently?

Things to Consider When Assigning Bedrooms

While Yomim Tovim at home are filled with joy, they can also highlight life’s unspoken struggles. For parents welcoming back a mix of children, in-laws, and grandchildren, sensitivity goes a long way in making sure every couple feels valued.

Sometimes, the smallest details matter most. When assigning bedrooms, it’s easy to assume that couples without children “need the least.” In truth, offering them a bit more comfort can be a quiet way of saying, you are just as important here as anyone else. A quick, private check-in—“Will this work for you?”—lets them know their needs are being considered without putting them on the spot.

Conversations Can Be a Little More Diverse

Around the table, conversations naturally flow toward children—their milestones, their antics, their endless energy. These stories bring laughter, but they can also deepen the ache for those who are still waiting. Families don’t need to silence their joy, but weaving in other topics—books, travels, divrei Torah—creates space where everyone feels included. Asking each family to prepare something for a specific meal, a new zemer or interesting dvar Torah, allows everyone to feel valued for their unique presence and contribute more to the meal.

Equally important is recognizing when a couple may need space. If they don’t join every outing or prefer a quiet afternoon, allowing them that room without question is itself an act of kindness. Yom Tov should bring renewal, not pressure.

As Sora thought more about Miriam, she realized that hosting wasn’t only about menus and sleeping charts. It was about creating an atmosphere where every child and spouse felt embraced. Perhaps “fair” didn’t always have to mean “equal.” Maybe giving Miriam and her husband a little more comfort, or asking what would make Yom Tov easier for them, would let them know they were seen.

She also began to think about the conversations around her table. She loved when her grandchildren’s milestones were shared, but perhaps she could gently guide the talk so that Miriam and her husband weren’t left sitting silently through endless baby stories. Maybe there could be a greater focus on conversations everyone could share in. Yom Tov, after all, was about connection, and Sora wanted each of her children to leave her home feeling not only fed and celebrated, but cherished—with love, dignity, and a place of their own. She committed to doing her best to be sensitive to all of her children’s needs over Yom Tov, acknowledging that all she could do was her best and daven that her home be a safe and enjoyable place for her family.