And why it’s worth it for you to try to give it – even if you don’t think you’ll ever change him.
Here’s a trick question: What’s the #1 thing a man wants from his wife?
It’s not what you think.
The answer is actually respect.
You may wonder, “Why should I respect my husband? He’s so lazy,” or “He’s so mean,” or “He never helps with the kids.” If you can’t think of a single reason why your husband deserves respect, are you supposed to respect him despite his completely unacceptable behavior? Should you just overlook everything he does wrong?
For instance, how can you possibly respect a man who constantly oversleeps or staggers home drunk from shul Shabbos morning? What if he doesn’t earn enough money or drives like a maniac? Does he scream at the kids or say mean things to you? Maybe he never picks up a sefer or wastes his time scrolling through his phone? Does he ignore your pleas for help? Is he stingy or does he spend recklessly? Maybe he is clueless and doesn’t know how to invest, book a flight, learn a Gemara, assemble a new toy, turn on the dishwasher, or speak English.
What is respect anyway?
Is it deference to authority, like a teacher or boss? Showing respect to your husband doesn’t mean he’s in charge of you. You don’t have to subjugate yourself to be respectful. It just means you think his ideas and thoughts are worth considering.
Respect means you honor his choices, not approve of them.
Even if you hate his stained tie, you let him dress himself without making critical comments.
Respecting your husband means not dismissing his opinions, criticizing or contradicting him, or trying to teach him things. This can be really tough, especially if you do know more about something, like how to deal with a toddler tantrum. If you want him to stop racking up debt or making risky choices, you might feel the urge to step in and “educate” him. The message you’re sending is that you think he doesn’t know what he’s doing.
What happens when you don’t respect your husband?
He pulls away in a bunch of different ways.
Sometimes he works late, or he just hangs out in his study for hours.
It can be excruciating to hold back from sharing your true thoughts with your husband about his decisions, but is it worth the price?
The cost is creating your own feelings of loneliness.
Treating your husband with respect makes him want to be around you more. He’s likely to open up and show more affection.
So how do you begin to respect your husband? Especially if you just don’t.
PRACTICAL WAYS TO BE RESPECTFUL
The first step is to just let him talk.
Listening means giving him the space to think out loud, even if what he’s saying is ridiculous. Those random thoughts floating through his brain are things he may not share with anyone but you. Appreciate this connection by simply listening. Does he really need to know you think his idea is terrible? Are you so terrified he will actually act on his dumb ideas if you don’t immediately put on the brakes? Does he usually take action so quickly (think of all the things you nag him over…)
It doesn’t mean that you should say you like his idea if you don’t. But saying “That’s crazy!” when he voices his ideas is hard on your marriage because what he hears is “You’re crazy.” Who wants to confide in someone who’s insulting them? The chances of feeling close drop each time.
Maybe you think your husband really wants to hear what you think. The truth is, he might not be as interested in your opinion as you wish he was. When you say, “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” it doesn’t just sound like you’re sharing your thoughts; it comes off as criticism. What he hears is more like, “That’s a dumb idea.”
One way to stay quiet when his ideas are immature or scary is to remind yourself that you’re taking the high road. It might be easy to make a rude comment but give him the generosity that you want when you say things that you haven’t really thought through yet.
Respecting your husband involves not only listening to him but also trusting him.
How often do you get in the car and tell your husband which way to go? If he takes the wrong exit, he might be trying a different route. Sure, you think he’s going the wrong way, but is he so clueless that if you don’t direct him, he’ll end up in Yachupztville? Maybe he’s actually pretty sharp and just gets confused because he is trying to juggle his own thoughts with hearing you give directions all the time.
Respect is about expecting the best instead of the worst. It’s treating him like a grown-up, not a kid. It’s all about speaking in a calm, composed way like a mature woman would.
SIGNS OF DISRESPECT
So how do you know if you are being disrespectful?
Here are some tell-tale signs: Are you constantly repeating requests (nagging)? Are there a lot of arguments and complaining? Do you find yourself raising your voice or saying things you later regret? Do you often feel superior to him, as if you are the only adult in the house? Are you noticing emotional distance and a lack of warmth and affection?
Maybe you desperately want to be more respectful of your husband—if only he seemed worthy of respect. The problem is you’ll never know if he is until you give him the chance. This is the number one, most important thing your husband wants from you.
THE BENEFITS OF CHOOSING RESPECT
It may feel impossible to act respectfully at first. He might really not deserve it. And maybe you have to just “act as if..” initially. And the truth is, he may never change his annoying habits or suddenly transform into your fantasy of how he should be.
Treating him respectfully benefits YOU – the only person in the whole world that you have control over. How?
- You Might Get Respected Back
Even if you feel disrespected, you can transform the culture by taking the high road and choosing to respect him first. This will encourage him to feel safe enough to try reciprocating.
- You Might Inspire Him to Be Respectable
When you acknowledge his abilities and value his opinions, it instills a sense of confidence and pride within him. This newfound assurance can motivate him to pursue greater accomplishments and become more successful. And that will give you something to feel genuine respect for.
- You Will Feel Dignified
Showing respect towards your husband creates a sense of dignity within yourself. Choosing to see the good in him will diminish your resentment and anger over the annoying things he still does because they will be eclipsed by the things you appreciate.
When I stopped the snarky comments and the outbursts, I felt so much better about myself. Biting my tongue and choosing to focus on something else aside from his shortcomings allows me to stop stewing in resentment and start doing something that makes me feel good, like taking a bath, going for a walk, or calling a friend.
- You Will Feel More Connected and Peaceful
Over time, respect can create a powerful connection between you and your husband, reigniting his innate desire to make you happy. When a man gets the thing he needs most – respect – he is fortified with the oxygen he needs to do whatever it takes to make you happy.
It takes time and commitment for you to transform old habits and time for him to trust the change is real and put down his defenses. But the rewards of feeling loved and having a peaceful home are so worth it and will encourage you to keep at it. Over time, it will get easier, and you will start to feel genuine respect.
A simple idea to get started is to ask him questions that you may not really need his help in but it makes no difference to you if it’s one way or another. For example you can ask him “which salmon recipe do you prefer I make for shabbos” or “do you think I should take an umbrella today when I go out?”. This is a baby step but could be helpful…
As a therapist working with many wives navigating complex marital dynamics, I find this article to be potentially harmful and neglectful of several important points.
First, it creates an imbalance of responsibility for fostering respect within a marriage. Respect is not a one-sided act. It is something that must be earned, mutual, and reciprocal. Framing it as solely the wife’s responsibility undermines the essential partnership required for a healthy relationship.
Second, the article encourages overlooking harmful behaviors such as addiction, neglect, or recklessness. This approach risks enabling these behaviors rather than addressing them in a constructive way. Encouraging wives to suppress their own needs to maintain respect can lead to a dynamic where their well-being becomes secondary. Over time, this suppression often results in emotional burnout and resentment.
Third, prioritizing a husband’s needs over one’s own—especially in situations where wives feel neglected emotionally—is neither healthy nor sustainable. Effective conflict resolution requires authenticity and vulnerability. The advice to “act as if” respect exists, when it does not, may temporarily smooth over issues, but it ultimately erodes trust and intimacy in the long term. This is not to say that wives should act without courtesy or dignity, but mutual respect must allow space for both partners to express their needs and concerns.
Fourth, the article subtly implies that a husband’s emotional distance is a result of his wife’s failure to respect him. This oversimplified view places undue blame on one partner and ignores the complex, shared dynamics that contribute to marital challenges. Healthy relationships require both partners to engage in self-reflection, take accountability, and work collaboratively to address issues.
By presenting respect as a one-sided act, this article risks perpetuating unhealthy relational dynamics. A healthier, more empowering approach would emphasize partnership, accountability, and the shared effort needed to cultivate a loving, respectful marriage. Respect is not about overlooking harmful behaviors or suppressing needs, it’s about fostering mutual understanding and trust through open communication and a commitment to growth from both partners.
Another thing that decreases respect is when people use chatGPT to formulate their comments
As someone who took courses , was coached and twisted myself into a pretzel to show “respect” in this way I agree with every word in the comment above. This works as icing on a cake- but there has to be a cake first. If there are issues and mistreatment stemming from a lack of relationship skills on the husband’s part then this type of “respect” isn’t the answer. And I agree, it will not be sustainable for more than a short period of time.
I would love if marriage therapists would have to show their own success rates! How many women they counseled that eventually went on to divorce, or continued to have unhappy marriages? Marriage counselors have had their time to improve and enhance this generation’s marriages, but now it is clear that it hasn’t done what it promised us. There are more divorces in our community, and more shana rishona divorces than EVER before in history! (Ok, maybe more when Amram separated from Yocheved!) Many of us need to go back and learn the basics of being a feminine counterpart to our masculine husbands. Many who have taken such steps have seem miracles in their marriages, myself included. I have not taken Mrs Glaser’s course, but I have listened in to a phone workshop, based off of Torah Values, and the Rambam’s instructions to wives, which yes, is very heavy on the respect a wife must show her husband. (regardless of how “respectful” he seems). Wishing Mrs Glaser much success!
Thank you for the thiughtful responses. I want to clarify that the Laura Doyle approach may be perfectly helpful and appropriate and there are those who feel that they have gained tremendously from incorporating this method into their marriage. My thoughts and words of caution are more applicable to those marriages that include struggles with mental health. The Laura Doyle approach is often not an appropriate fit for these marriages and risks potential harm. Examples include when there is unresolved trauma for one of both spouses, personality disorders, narcissistic abuse, or substance abuse. I encourage discernment and an honest look at our marriages in determining the cause and best path forward in each individual marriage. This said, embracing our feminine, enhancing our respect for our husbands, and reflecting on the role that we play in the quality of our marriages is a worthwhile endeavor. So many great points have and truths been brought up here in the comments section. Wishing you all connected and meaningful relationships!
Would you be so kind please to announce at the top of the post. This is s Laura Doyle article.
Her ideas are not torah based. I find her approach to be very manipulative and mean.
It most definitely does not bring closeness to the marriage.
Have you tried it? Because I have and it’s taken my marriage from good to fantastic
I believe that there is a tremendous amount of value to this article and a huge amount of truth to its basic premise which is: Treat your husband with respect and the one who will gain most is you. Why the controversy and defensiveness around treating the closest person in your life with respect? My advice? Don’t argue it, try it and reap the benefits.
I agree with Aliza. Try it, and reap the benefits!
In no way does the article suggest enabling dysfunctional or abusive behaviors. I think that was an overreaction. We as people need to be respectful to every person regardless of whether they earned it or not. No-one should be talked down to, how much more so our spouses. We are all entitled to our own opinions and ideas and when someone is constantly belittling/nagging/ undermining their spouses ideas it obviously will chip away at the emotional connection. I think this article very nicely spells it out and brings awareness. If someone is dealing with extreme unhealthy behaviors I’m sure there are many paths they need to explore in order to have a healthy marriage. But it doesn’t mean that respect goes out the window, it just might look a little different than when dealing with a healthy individual.
Agree, Laura Doyle content should be flagged just like sponsored content.
Wow! Not sure why this article is so triggering for people. Treating your husband with respect is a Torah value- whether secular marriage therapists also encourage or not. Why the pushback on such a basic tenet of shalom bayis?
I am seeing that the pushback is against Laura Doyle, not against respecting spouses.
I love seeing all the different opinions – it just goes to show that relationship dynamics are so layered and not one size fits all.
I want to add regarding the sentiments expressed in the article- one of the things I found beneficial by starting off with this approach is breaking the control cycle. Many of us are wired to control, make things run smoothly, it makes sense to do it my way bc obviously it’s the right way etc. however by practicing the “whatever you think approach” which is soooooo hard and your whole body is shrieking…but…. It begins to open your mind to another side. The side of- is it so bad not my way? Not my style? Did the world crash around me? And then after establishing a sense of release of control there begins to be an equilibrium in the marriage itself and then the foundation is set to go from there. Hope this makes sense.
Honestly I cannot understand what people’s problem with Laura Doyle is. Yes, this article is clearly a summary of her philosophy, and to all of you saying her ideas are not Torah-based, try it and then give your opinion. I have recommended it to many people and every one of them has come back with amazing feedback, saying it has completely transformed their marriage. And if your problem is that she isn’t Jewish, well I can’t think of a more Torahdig value then shalom bayis, whatever the route to that is.
And in response to all of you who claim this is putting an unfair onus on the woman: The only person in life you can change ( And control!) is yourself. That’s all she’s saying, and it’s a great lesson to learn early on in life.
The reason people have an issue with the Laura Doyle approach is because it oversimplifies relationship dynamics between spouses, who are individuals with unique personalities and histories. It infantilizes women (and men). Obviously respect, gratitude, self-care etc are extremely important in marriage. This is common sense. It’s toxic to tell women that if you do X, your husband will surely respond like Y, and if he doesn’t you’re probably doing it wrong or not enough. The only person you can change is yourself, but you don’t need the Laura Doyle method to teach you that or to give you skills for a safe and happy relationship, and there are more balanced and holistic approaches that help you understand and respect your spouse and yourself without having to follow a formulaic set of rules.
Understanding that the husband’s behavior is usually not having anything to do with you, and instead from his traumas, childhood wounds and parents voices, can help have compassion. Respect can’t be faked. But you could respect him for the human he is, as we all are.
I think most of us know not to give directions in the car and not to scream and insult our spouse’s ideas. Give us a little respect!
Of course we must respect our husbands.
It is the manner of this approach that is questionable.
Remember that Laura Doyle has 6 intimacy skills and respect is only one of them. My experience with the intimacy skills is that in essence they are true, but you really need to use your intuition when and how to apply each one. For example, if a husband makes irresponsible money choices which have costed the wife agony in the past, of course a wife should respect her husband as a human being, talking to him in a calm tone without calling him names and shutting him down, but at the same time that might not be the most relevant intimacy skill for the situation to focus on. Vulnerability, expressing her desire for their money situation to be more stable and practicing self-care–including protecting any money she makes and making sure she does have a reliable source of money to use to care for herself –even if it means she needs to go back to work and cut down on making gourmet suppers for her husband (remember, Laura Doyle herself worked and never had kids–does that mean she didn’t trust her husband?)– I believe that is included in self-care. Once the wife feels her needs are taken care of, she won’t be resentful of her husband not taking care of her and start to talk to him respectfully, giving him space to start showing up for her–slowly but surely. I think Laura Doyle’s approach is amazing and can even work in cases of abuse, but the intimacy rules need to be used not as a formula, but applied with a lot of intuition, deciphering which one is the right one to highlight in each situation.
Can you please explain what you mean by the statement that the Laura Doyle approach can work in cases of abuse? That’s a really serious claim to make.
First of all, I am not a licensed professional and am a commentator on a blog post, speaking from my own experience using the intimacy skills in a case of emotional abuse-but I trust bcp readers aren’t making a huge life decision based solely on that! That said, one of the things I realized is that when I used the skills in a formulaic way it didn’t work and caused me to feel more resentful, but when I approached it from a perspective of having a toolbox and being able to intuitively feel which tool to use when (for example-do I tell my husband ‘whatever you think’ or take the time to be vulnerable and express a desire?) then it became really helpful. I realized two things from my experience: 1-the choice to persevere through an emotionally abusive situation was mine and one I owned. I wouldn’t try to convince someone to live through it unless if they have the proper support and are consciously choosing to do it (I wouldn’t look down at someone who feels like they can’t!) That said, if someone does decide to stay in an emotionally abusive situation, the Intimacy skills applied properly can really help 2. Viewing self-care not only as pampering, but as taking responsibility for my life and setting proper boundaries really was a huge game-changer for me-which is only truly possible with a support system. I had to become more independent from my husband which was the self-care my nervous system needed before slowly letting him in and trusting him with more of my desires.
I’m concerned about the application of these skills to abusive situations because abusive people are motivated by power and control. Putting the onus on yourself to be vulnerable by sharing your needs and feelings can play right into the abusive partner’s emotional manipulation. I’m not saying you can’t make the choice to stay in an abusive relationship but I would be extremely wary of advising others to use the Laura Doyle approach as a framework for making that possible.
Re: Laura Doyle comments: she writes she never had kids and this was by choice. That is the biggest red flag to me – it’s selfish. A Jewish home where the goal is to have children and continue our mesorah, where chessed and selflessness is the core of the aim bayis, how can we follow the advice of someone proudly saying it’s enough for her to care for her nieces and nephews. Use your intuition, your bina yiseira, work on your middos. It’s not always easy, but it definitely isn’t so complicated.
Laura doyle didnt not have children by choice. This is an untrue fact.
Of course husbands need our respect in able to feel good about themselves and do well. A husband can be so respected at work, shul etc but if his wife doesn’t respect him he feels like garbage. (Listen to Rabbi Bentzion shafier and see this between carpools article. https://betweencarpools.com/are-you-a-frog-farmer/
And of course of course one million percent it will change things around.
I heard an excellent way to start from Chany Felberbaum (as well as so many other Torahdik courses and speakers I have listened too who all teach this) Find a small thing that your husband already does and compliment it. For example- he takes your son to shul on shabbos. Make a big deal about it, “It was so helpful you took him to shul on shabbos, It means so much to me.” or even “I was able to rest extra because you took him to shul, I feel so pampered”.
It works so well!! You do your side and it will fall into place, if you believe in someone then they will rise to your beliefs.
If you trash them, they have no motivation.
I heard an amazing mashal (yes yes I know that our husbands are not children- its just a mashal to help us and yes of course if there is abuse or addiction seek professional help right away).
Your little son comes home from playgroup with his first aleph on a train to hang up. You get so excited and say “wow I am so proud of you, you are such a tzaddik’ and you dance around the house and get the tape and hang it up right away. You are so proud of that alef because that is all your child is able to do right away, this is where he is at.
Our husband’s to, what they are now is not our dream picture but we are proud of the little things they do and that will be what enables them to do more. “chochmos nashim bansa beisa”
Yes a very Torah based hashkafa.
Some of the ideas in the article above ARE Jewish ideas. Leah Richeimer’s book Marriage Secrets, which has Rabbinical Haskama and a forward by Rabbi Paysach Krohn, is a Jewish Marriage approach for women that also heavily relies on respecting your partner Interestingly, Mrs. Richeimer’s approach requests that a wife puts her husband’s desires above those of her children (not medical needs or nursing baby type needs). I found it to be refreshing and helpful and based on Torah sources and guidance.. Ms. Richeimer has many freely available podcast episodes (“The Ladies Talkshow”) where she reviews her book chapter by chapter and answers questions. I wish strength to all the women dealing with challenging husbands of all kinds. May Hashem help guide you to peace and a healthy marriage.
To clarify – I agree 100% that the article is based on strong Jewish hashkafa. My issue is the pedestal Laura Doyle has been elevated to by the Jewish community. Why has Mrs Doyle become the Answer to our shalom bayis. There are more than enough rabbanim and Jewish sources we can turn to. We don’t need to use her ideas and somehow twist them to fit into our hashkafa. Just go directly to the source – there is more than enough.
I think this article is in wonderful taste. This is a Torahdik idea, geared for Torahdik families. If you dont like this whole article just because Laura Doyle said something similar, then excuse my choice of words, but get a life.