And why it’s worth it for you to try to give it – even if you don’t think you’ll ever change him.
Here’s a trick question: What’s the #1 thing a man wants from his wife?
It’s not what you think.
The answer is actually respect.
You may wonder, “Why should I respect my husband? He’s so lazy,” or “He’s so mean,” or “He never helps with the kids.” If you can’t think of a single reason why your husband deserves respect, are you supposed to respect him despite his completely unacceptable behavior? Should you just overlook everything he does wrong?
For instance, how can you possibly respect a man who constantly oversleeps or staggers home drunk from shul Shabbos morning? What if he doesn’t earn enough money or drives like a maniac? Does he scream at the kids or say mean things to you? Maybe he never picks up a sefer or wastes his time scrolling through his phone? Does he ignore your pleas for help? Is he stingy or does he spend recklessly? Maybe he is clueless and doesn’t know how to invest, book a flight, learn a Gemara, assemble a new toy, turn on the dishwasher, or speak English.
What is respect anyway?
Is it deference to authority, like a teacher or boss? Showing respect to your husband doesn’t mean he’s in charge of you. You don’t have to subjugate yourself to be respectful. It just means you think his ideas and thoughts are worth considering.
Respect means you honor his choices, not approve of them.
Even if you hate his stained tie, you let him dress himself without making critical comments.
Respecting your husband means not dismissing his opinions, criticizing or contradicting him, or trying to teach him things. This can be really tough, especially if you do know more about something, like how to deal with a toddler tantrum. If you want him to stop racking up debt or making risky choices, you might feel the urge to step in and “educate” him. The message you’re sending is that you think he doesn’t know what he’s doing.
What happens when you don’t respect your husband?
He pulls away in a bunch of different ways.
Sometimes he works late, or he just hangs out in his study for hours.
It can be excruciating to hold back from sharing your true thoughts with your husband about his decisions, but is it worth the price?
The cost is creating your own feelings of loneliness.
Treating your husband with respect makes him want to be around you more. He’s likely to open up and show more affection.
So how do you begin to respect your husband? Especially if you just don’t.
PRACTICAL WAYS TO BE RESPECTFUL
The first step is to just let him talk.
Listening means giving him the space to think out loud, even if what he’s saying is ridiculous. Those random thoughts floating through his brain are things he may not share with anyone but you. Appreciate this connection by simply listening. Does he really need to know you think his idea is terrible? Are you so terrified he will actually act on his dumb ideas if you don’t immediately put on the brakes? Does he usually take action so quickly (think of all the things you nag him over…)
It doesn’t mean that you should say you like his idea if you don’t. But saying “That’s crazy!” when he voices his ideas is hard on your marriage because what he hears is “You’re crazy.” Who wants to confide in someone who’s insulting them? The chances of feeling close drop each time.
Maybe you think your husband really wants to hear what you think. The truth is, he might not be as interested in your opinion as you wish he was. When you say, “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” it doesn’t just sound like you’re sharing your thoughts; it comes off as criticism. What he hears is more like, “That’s a dumb idea.”
One way to stay quiet when his ideas are immature or scary is to remind yourself that you’re taking the high road. It might be easy to make a rude comment but give him the generosity that you want when you say things that you haven’t really thought through yet.
Respecting your husband involves not only listening to him but also trusting him.
How often do you get in the car and tell your husband which way to go? If he takes the wrong exit, he might be trying a different route. Sure, you think he’s going the wrong way, but is he so clueless that if you don’t direct him, he’ll end up in Yachupztville? Maybe he’s actually pretty sharp and just gets confused because he is trying to juggle his own thoughts with hearing you give directions all the time.
Respect is about expecting the best instead of the worst. It’s treating him like a grown-up, not a kid. It’s all about speaking in a calm, composed way like a mature woman would.
SIGNS OF DISRESPECT
So how do you know if you are being disrespectful?
Here are some tell-tale signs: Are you constantly repeating requests (nagging)? Are there a lot of arguments and complaining? Do you find yourself raising your voice or saying things you later regret? Do you often feel superior to him, as if you are the only adult in the house? Are you noticing emotional distance and a lack of warmth and affection?
Maybe you desperately want to be more respectful of your husband—if only he seemed worthy of respect. The problem is you’ll never know if he is until you give him the chance. This is the number one, most important thing your husband wants from you.
THE BENEFITS OF CHOOSING RESPECT
It may feel impossible to act respectfully at first. He might really not deserve it. And maybe you have to just “act as if..” initially. And the truth is, he may never change his annoying habits or suddenly transform into your fantasy of how he should be.
Treating him respectfully benefits YOU – the only person in the whole world that you have control over. How?
- You Might Get Respected Back
Even if you feel disrespected, you can transform the culture by taking the high road and choosing to respect him first. This will encourage him to feel safe enough to try reciprocating.
- You Might Inspire Him to Be Respectable
When you acknowledge his abilities and value his opinions, it instills a sense of confidence and pride within him. This newfound assurance can motivate him to pursue greater accomplishments and become more successful. And that will give you something to feel genuine respect for.
- You Will Feel Dignified
Showing respect towards your husband creates a sense of dignity within yourself. Choosing to see the good in him will diminish your resentment and anger over the annoying things he still does because they will be eclipsed by the things you appreciate.
When I stopped the snarky comments and the outbursts, I felt so much better about myself. Biting my tongue and choosing to focus on something else aside from his shortcomings allows me to stop stewing in resentment and start doing something that makes me feel good, like taking a bath, going for a walk, or calling a friend.
- You Will Feel More Connected and Peaceful
Over time, respect can create a powerful connection between you and your husband, reigniting his innate desire to make you happy. When a man gets the thing he needs most – respect – he is fortified with the oxygen he needs to do whatever it takes to make you happy.
It takes time and commitment for you to transform old habits and time for him to trust the change is real and put down his defenses. But the rewards of feeling loved and having a peaceful home are so worth it and will encourage you to keep at it. Over time, it will get easier, and you will start to feel genuine respect.
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