Are You a Frog Farmer?

What does that even mean? Is it you that’s turning your husband into a frog…or a prince?

Are you a Frog Farmer?

A what?

Well, let’s see how to explain this.

You see, there are some women who turn frogs into princes.

And then…

There are some women who turn princes into frogs.

What?!? I would never do that!

Well, not intentionally.

Ummmm…. how do you do that, anyway?

Well, you know how you get that warm and fuzzy feeling when your sister-in-law gushes over the adorable bear centerpieces you slaved over for hours for your nephew’s upsherin…

… And it totally makes your day when you wake up on your birthday to a sparkling clean kitchen, a Jus by Julie breakfast basket on the counter, and a little Simpson’s box nestled inside…

…But you would never, ever comment if your BFF’s gown for her son’s bar mitzvah makes her look like she gained 20 pounds.

Right?

So…

I’m sure you already know some of the things that your husband appreciates, enjoys, and savors.

But what if you had the top-secret guide to the things that bring out the worst in your husband?

To your actions, statements and mindsets that – effectively – turn him from Prince to Frog?

What would happen then?

(Because really – who wants to be married to a frog, anyway?)

OK quick, tell me – what are they?

Here are a few, for starters:

Criticizing him. Oh, but I would never do that. I mean, except when he’s on his phone too long. Or leaves his socks on the floor next to the hamper. Or gets the kids riled up before bedtime… Ummm, what’s next?

Making helpful suggestions. Wait – what? But aren’t I supposed to be an aizer kenegdo? How else is he going to stop eating those unhealthy danishes for breakfast, if I don’t tell him what he should be eating? And it really would be easier for him to put together the IKEA bookcase if he reads the instructions first!

How about if we just go through some of the other points for you to think about, ‘kay?

When he accomplishes something (a favor for you, a task around the house, or something in his own world) would you ever…

• Withhold appreciation? “It’s his responsibility to take out the garbage– you want me to thank him too?”
• Withhold admiration? “Whaddaya want, a medal?”
• Not let him impress you? “I do way more around here – I’m not pumping up his ego for that.”
  

Do you find yourself…

• Comparing him unfavorably to other people? ”Suri’s husband does bedtime AND folds laundry.”
• Demeaning his earning abilities or career? “An electrician? When will you get a real job?”
• Looking down on his frumkeit or learning level? “Daf yomi recording in the car? That’s not real hasmada.”
  

When he speaks to you or others, or wants your attention, do you ever

• Ignore him?
• Roll your eyes?
• Finish his sentence or speak on his behalf?
• Interrupt him? (Get really honest here)

Do you… 

Ask leading questions? “Is that what you’re eating for lunch?”

Tell him how you would do things? “When I go down this street, I go under 20 MPH so I don’t bounce on the speed bumps.”

Undo and redo things he did, and then show him? “This is the way to stack the towels in the closet.”

Demonstrate that you don’t trust him to fulfill his responsibilities? “Don’t forget to pay the electric bill on time. You don’t want to get a late penalty.”

OK, now take a deep breath.

And be honest with yourself.

How would you rate yourself on all of the above?

1. OMG, I do almost all of those! But only when I’m actually right. 

You, my dear, have earned the dubious honor of being a Frog Farmer. Your reward? Although you may care for your husband and wish the best for your marriage, you are most likely consistently – though unintentionally – making it very difficult for him to max out his potential as an amazing husband. Because you can choose to be “right”… OR to have a deeper connection. 

2. Well, maybe sometimes.  But, like, not always out loud. Just in my head. Mostly.

The good news is, you’re ahead of the game. Good for you! To ramp up the emotional intimacy in your relationship even more, and really bring out your husband’s best side, you’ll want to work on reducing judgment and increasing acceptance and respect. You can do it!

3. Nope. Never even entered my mind. I must have found an amazing husband!

Maybe. But most likely, you get some of the credit. After all, behind every great husband stands a wife who notices and appreciates his strengths, graciously receives what he has to provide, allows him to be her hero, and trusts him to fulfill his role to the best of his abilities.

Hey wait a minute! No fair! Because my husband really IS irresponsible / unavailable / messy / overly meticulous selfish / uncaring / eccentric / unmotivated / not learning enough / not helping enough / not yeshivish enough / awkward / extravagant / stingy / inefficient / forgetful / picky / materialistic / disorganized / always late / quiet / loud / busy / not what I thought he would be.

That may be true. Your husband is human, after all – with his own personality, idiosyncrasies, and innate strengths and weaknesses. 

Just like you.

And maybe he will change someday. Or maybe he won’t.

But here’s a question to consider: If you’re doing some of the behaviors above, are they getting you what you really want?

Why not try dropping some of them, and see what happens?

Wouldn’t you love to see what happens when you give him the opportunity to be your Prince?

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