It’s that time of year – working so hard as it is, and now the responsibilities are ramping up into overdrive. And it’s often a time that many women don’t feel appreciated for all the hard work they’re doing.
Wouldn’t it be amazing if your husband gazed at you admiringly saying, ”I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you do. You are unbelievable how you juggle it all. I would love to help you in every possible way.”
OK- back to reality. You feel like you’re drowning in the Pacific Ocean, and he doesn’t get it.
It’s not just you. My client, Chani, told me that despite all her hard work, she didn’t feel valued or recognized for everything she was managing. With each passing day, the sense of overwhelm and frustration grew stronger.
She had scathing thoughts about how clueless her husband was. She just stewed in resentment without even really thinking about or knowing what she wanted or bothering to tell him. He should just know and understand her! Unfortunately, her criticism never motivated him to appreciate her.
Her husband was the problem, and if only he would change, things would be great, right?
Here’s a Big Secret
You might feel powerless to improve things since he’s not doing anything to fix them. But here’s a big secret that most people don’t know…
women are the ones with all the power in relationships.
We are the ones who can make it playful and easy, or tense and distant.
You Create Your Own Reality
Ever heard the expression, “Think good, and it will be good?” Refocusing your view with gratitude, not only will change your perspective, but It’ll also change how others—most importantly, your husband—responds to you.
Whether I want more of something or not, what I focus on grows. So, when I focus on things I don’t want, I end up with more of them. On the other hand, when I shift my focus to the good, I draw in more of the things I desire.
My thoughts about my husband, even though they may feel very real, actually stem from my perspective, which is something I have complete control over. It can be incredibly difficult to notice and acknowledge the advantages of his laid-back nature or how his ability to remain calm in stressful situations benefits me. When I do, I see the gentle, thoughtful man I married. But it’s often much easier to get frustrated that he doesn’t jump up quickly to make that important call right NOW or annoyed that he’s ok with letting things ride until they come to a boil.
I am powerless over my husband and his choices, but I don’t have to forfeit my own power to create and manifest what I focus on. I will always get more of what I am looking for. It works out a lot better for me when I choose to focus on the good in him because then those good things just keep getting better and better.
Adopting an Attitude of Gratitude
I used to be so stuck in my negative perception of my husband that I found a dark, ulterior motive for everything good that he did!
If he took care of the grocery shopping, I huffed that he was trying to control my spending. I cried that he hated my cooking if he offered to cook dinner. If he offered to drive the kids to school, I felt he was criticizing my time management…You get the idea.
When I decided to shift my mindset, my life and marriage improved drastically. And that’s because gratitude is not just a nice idea — it has the power to completely change your life.
If I show appreciation to my husband for doing something, he’ll actually do more of it. I used to be worried that if I thanked my husband for taking out the trash, he would think it’s optional and stop doing it! Turns out, just the opposite is true. The more I notice and appreciate my husband’s efforts, the more motivated he is to do things that make me happy.
Lead By Example
You may be thinking, “Hey, I work really hard! Why is no one showing ME appreciation?” You’re right — you do deserve appreciation for everything you do! Believe it or not, husbands learn quickly. If I express gratitude towards him, I’m almost guaranteed to get it back in return.
My client Miriam was not happy about expressing gratitude to her husband. However, through lots of encouragement and support, she finally agreed and started thanking her husband consistently with zero expectations. Halfway through the week, her husband completely surprised her by saying, “You’ve really taught me that we need to appreciate each other more. Thank you for making dinner tonight.”
Instead of focusing on how her husband didn’t show her appreciation, which she couldn’t do anything about, Miriam decided to look at her own actions. As soon as she became willing to change her behavior, she transformed the entire relationship dynamic.
How to Not Hit Rock Bottom
When I asked my client, Naomi, what she appreciated about her husband, she couldn’t think of anything. After some prodding, she started off by thanking her husband for more technical favors and eventually went deeper. She progressed to text messages about aspects of his character that she admired. She couldn’t say them to his face for a while since it felt way too vulnerable.
Her husband’s response was miraculous! Her husband began expressing gratitude to her and doing more things that elicited gratitude. Naomi had created this wonderful upward cycle. And it only got better.
Put It In Action
Now that you caught a glimpse of the power of gratitude, here’s a few ways to get started:
- Write handwritten thank you notes! Pro tip: Leave them where he’ll notice, like his desk or next to his keys.
- Send surprise appreciation texts! Pro tip: Be specific! Even if it’s about something simple. i.e. thanks for taking Shmuel to the dentist – you’re such a devoted father!
The more gratitude you pour on, the more positivity, light, and happiness you’ll be bringing to your marriage.
Go for it!
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