On Dealing with Peer Pressure

What happens when we turn our feelings inwards instead?

Discomfort Alert: This article draws attention to an inner dimension that isn’t initially pleasant for us to acknowledge. If you’re courageous enough to read until the end, you’ll walk away feeling hopeful and encouraged, having absorbed the whole picture of truth. 

“What’s going on here?” I asked two of my kids when I walked into their room this morning. My four-year-old daughter was crying and her brother was standing nearby. 

“She made me nervous so I hurt her,” was the reply.

What do we want to instinctively tell this child? If we want our parenting to be effective, it’s the message we need to first believe ourselves: No one can make us feel anything. Of course, different behaviors, comments, or gestures bring certain feelings to the surface, but these are all our own emotions that have been simmering there before.

This recognition isn’t necessarily pleasant for us to acknowledge, but here’s why it’s key to leading a fulfilling, happy life. 

What happens, let’s say, if I’m at a high-end simchah, sitting in my own little corner and taking in the scene? I see the elaborate floral setup and tablescape, hear the crisp sound of the 30-instrument orchestra, smell the aromas wafting from the wall-to-wall meat stations (or do they not do that anymore? I live in Eretz Yisrael!) 

What might be my reaction to all of this? If I can’t take a moment to turn this inward, it’ll be all about THEM. Their values are skewed, their money is being wasted, their extravagance, their misplaced priorities, their fault for the community’s peer pressure, their, their, their. 

But what is really going on here? There was a reaction that came first. Before my mind started building towers around the audacity of it all, before the peer pressure argument gained more and more credence in my thoughts, something very instant, very fleeting, and also pretty uncomfortable occurred inside of me: My own feelings surfaced. What were those feelings? For each of us it’s something else—whether a feeling of unworthiness, of inferiority, of lack, of smallness (which instantly leads to jealousy)—but one thing is clear. Every time I see others in a negative light, every time I fall into blame mode, there had to be a feeling about myself that drove me toward this unseemly place. There HAD to, no exceptions. 

What do you mean, you might wonder? Isn’t this truly ridiculous? I can’t just sit by idly as this is happening here! Yes, all of these rational arguments might be 100% true. They probably are. And if I’m the one making the simchah, of course I want to keep all these values in mind. This is not about condoning inappropriate behavior. This is not about condoning raising standards in the community or engaging in any conduct that contradicts Torah values. 

But if I’m the one attending that simchah, what I need right now—first and foremost— is a healthy dose of self-awareness. Actually, voicing my opinion at this point is prohibited because it isn’t driven from my true concern. While I might have very strong concern for our community, in this particular instant, what am I bring driven by? Fear of my own unpleasant emotion. And as long as I’m driven by this fear, whether as a parent or a wife or a daughter or a friend, anything that I say or do from this fear will only wreak havoc, create distance, cause pain. I will be like that little boy who says, “You made me nervous and so I’m hurting you.” 

And so, what’s left for me to do, whether I’m sitting at this (now-famous :)) simchah and acknowledging that familiar pinch in my heart that signals the surfacing of an unpleasant emotion? What’s left to do when I’m noticing my fear of powerlessness as my child is taking her time to get ready in the morning? What’s left for me to do when I realize that my resistance to the way my husband is being mechaneich our son(s) is my own fear of feeling unheard? 

In all of these cases, there might very well be a strong rational argument to be had. They shouldn’t be popping people’s eyes out; she must learn how to get her act together faster; he could use some good parenting classes. But right now, because I’m driven by a fear, I will do the adult thing to do and that is to CHOOSE not to be driven by this fear. How does that look in real time? For starters, instead of making it about THE OTHER, I will continue to focus inward. Why is this hard for me? What is it bringing up for me? How can I give myself what I need to help the unpleasant feelings that I’m living with subside—or at least decrease— over time? (In many cases, a constructive conversation might be helpful later on, but having this “mussar schmooze” in the heat of the moment is a recipe for disaster and wreaks only further damage.)

Now THAT’S called really tackling an issue—from the inside out. And when we do that, the world becomes a happier place—not only for everyone around us, but, most importantly, for ourselves. So… where can we find the guidance to do this right?

Many of us wish we would have this seemingly elusive manual for learning ourselves best. The good news is that by being a part of the Am Hanivchar, we are already the privileged card-carrying members of this select club, blessed to be guided by the blueprint that Hakadosh Baruch Hu used to fashion this world—not only the sun and the stars and the seas, but also our very own psyche. For every feeling that He plants in our hearts, there’s a purpose—and we have that manual to not only understand this purpose but also to put it into practice, which is most important. 

One fascinating dimension about accessing our answers from Torah is that Hashem arranges that in every week’s parshah, we find just the answers we are meant to hear for that particular week in our life. And so, it’s no surprise that just the week when the BCP team requested that we cover the topic of turning our perspective on others inward, we find illuminating guidance and insight on this very topic right here, in Parshas Shemos. (As Hashgacha would have it, it’s actually the topic of this week’s shiur titled “Hurting People Hurt, Cared for People Care” in my brand new series on the parshah*. You can listen to the full shiur HERE.)

So what insights on this topic do we find in Parshas Shemos? We meet polar opposites: people who felt lowly about themselves and, in their desperation to turn this feeling outward, inflicted untold pain; as well as people who, from their appreciation for their own value exhibited untold empathy. Yes, these are the Mitzrim on one end and Moshe Rabeinu on the other. In describing what instigated the Egyptian’s viciousness toward Klal Yisrael, the passuk tells us “vayakutzu mipnei Bnei Yisrael, and they were disgusted by the Yidden.” What was the root for this disgust, for this loathing. The Kli Yakar offers an illuminating explanation: Because they felt like kotzim, thorns, in their own eyes—and they weren’t willing to accept [process] it—they sought to inflict this very same unpleasant feeling of uselessness, of feeling subpar, onto the Yidden. In other words, I don’t feel worthy, and so, I will project this feeling outward. You go and slave away building towers on quicksand, so that I can sit back and relish at you feeling just what’s going on for me.

On the other hand, what do we see about Moshe Rabeinu, who was born to a most loving mother—her entire identity in the parshah is Shifra, alluding to her life’s mission of bringing joy and love to new babies and their mothers—and who was subsequently raised in royalty? Wow, what royal treatment he gave to everyone, all creatures, including the thirsty sheep that he carried on his shoulders from his great mercy and care. 

THAT’s a manhig of klal Yisrael, and how did it all begin? One passuk encapsulates it all—“And Moshe was raised to greatness… and he saw in his brothers’ suffering.” 

How the great manhig in klal Yisrael we lost this week, Rav Matisyahu Solomon zt”l, personified this quality! Leading his flock with so much love, so much respect for another Yid, one of his main areas of focus was chinuch—chinuch with love. As he often conveyed, it’s all about the love—a love that starts when a parent acknowledges their own greatness first.

So yes, it’s a heavy topic, with so many angles to explore. But what’s our takeaway now? As those in the caring field—whether raising our family, teaching our students, being there for our husband, our friends, we want to extend our kindnesses as much as possible. And then, if we notice that we’re consistently being triggered by another person/behavior/trait, etc., we want to turn the focus inward and ask ourselves: How can I care more for ME so that I should be able to project this caring part of me outward? How can I feel my own value more? How can I accept my humanness more so that I can come to accept others’ humanness? How can I respect myself more so that I can respect others? Oh, we notice, so my whole argument against another’s wrongdoing is stemming from within me. It’s because there’s a place in me that’s hard for me to accept that I’m coming up with derogatory thoughts. I want to change the dialogue! I want to change the inner dialogue!

The intense slavery in Mitzrayim only commenced after Yosef Hatzaddik and his generation passed on. Why? The Ohr Hachaim explains that this is an indication that something about that previous generation withheld the subjugation. What was it? Says Rav Chaim Shmulevitz, it was the sense of self-respect the previous generation maintained. Those people simply commanded respect, to the extent that even the Mitzrim could not subjugate them under their control. 

But the Yidden born into the slavery? They were in a different category. “Who are we to be redeemed?!” They argued. “We’re so lowly, we don’t believe Hashem will ever choose US as His Chosen Nation.” How did Moshe Rabeinu counter the argument that stemmed from so much self-loathing, so many misconceptions about their true greatness—the greatness of you and me? It was through the miracle with his staff. Look at this staff, he told the self-loathing Yidden. Just look. When I throw it to the ground, it turns into a snake—representing the yetzer hara, the embodiment of evil. But what happens when this snake rises back up? It is restored to a staff again, a source of support as we trudge through the desert. You, dear Yidden, you are this staff. True, right now you’re in a low place, you feel like this snake, but don’t ever forget your true essence. Don’t every forget that you are a diamond in Hakadosh Baruch Hu’s crown. Believe in your greatness and watch what happens. 

What was Klal Yisrael’s response to that moving sign? “And the nation believed.” They believed not only Hashem’s words through Moshe, but, most significantly, they believed in themselves! And that’s when the wheels of their redemption starting turning full force.

Yes, dear sisters. It all starts with believing in our greatness. From this realization, we simply can’t help but notice the sheer greatness in every human being who crosses our path. When we live our life—one moment at a time—feeling this reality, what a more positive place our home becomes! And how blessed is everyone who enters our circle. 

*In the brand new series called Ner Leragli/Project Illuminate that I recently started teaching at LAHAV, we delve into eye-opening teachings about the nefesh based on the weekly parshah. You’re welcome to join the journey HERE (or write Sign Up to shiurim@lahavinitiative.org)! (I recommend listening to the intro class first so you’ll get more acquainted with the vision and structure of this FREE program.)