You’re building a foundation over the next few years–these three areas are the core of it.
Dearest Newlywed,
Shana rishona isn’t a year. It’s a foundation. I heard from Rabbi Tatz that shana rishona is the first ten years — and honestly, that framing changes everything. There’s no rush to “get it right,” but there is value in understanding what this stage is really about. I’d love to pass along three pillars to keep in mind, and I hope you find these helpful.
1. Figuring Out Your Financial Language
Money isn’t just numbers. It’s emotion, fear, security, and the way each of you watched money handled growing up.
This stage is about learning how to communicate:
• Do we save or spend?
• What feels stressful?
• What feels worth it?
• What does “being smart” with money actually mean to each of us?
This is where Kayla Levin offers a framing I love: get curious.
Not: Why would you ever do it that way?
But: Interesting…tell me why that feels right to you.
Is it worth saving money each week by cutting out a mini luxury?
Should you take that second side job?
These aren’t arguments. They’re the beginnings of a shared language.
If you want some practical tips, Between Carpools has a thoughtful financial article written specifically on Finance Tips for Newlyweds.
2. Figuring Out Your Intimacy Language
Intimacy is one of those things everyone assumes should come naturally — until it doesn’t. You’re two people bringing different expectations and comfort levels into something deeply personal. Shana rishona is about learning how to communicate and this too, is a language. Like any language, it’s learned slowly, gently, and together.
Often reaching out to your Chosson or Kallah teacher for a little guidance after marriage can be surprisingly helpful. It’s a bit like having taken driving lessons without ever sitting in the car —
and then realizing, once you’re actually behind the wheel, that a little direction can suddenly make things feel steadier.
Not because anything is wrong.
Just because now it’s real. Tending to things when they’re small is often the wisest thing we do.
3. Building Your Home
It’s natural to think — or even say —
“In my parents’ home, this was the norm.”
Stay open-hearted and open-minded to what was done in his home, too. You’re not choosing between right and wrong. You’re coming from two worlds — with different traditions, values, and expectations — and deciding, together, what belongs in the home you are creating now.
When you approach differences this way, they stop feeling personal and start feeling purposeful.
Not: This is how it’s supposed to be.
But: We’re building something new. Together.
And that shift changes everything.
A Final Visual That Changed A Lot for Me
This visual came from my amazing sister, Estee LCSW, who learned it at Touro University from a mentor — and it has stayed with me ever since.
Picture a sophisticated boardroom.
One version looks like this:
You’re on one side of the table. Your husband is on the other. The issue sits between you.
Now flip the picture.
Put the issue on one side of the table — and you and your husband on the same side.
Same problem. Completely different energy.
A united front. A team, moving through this as a single unit.
At the end of the day, the goal of our Jewish homes isn’t perfection. Our main objective and prayer is that the Shechina should want to dwell there. Hold that as your truth and as your compass. You’re building something holy, one thoughtful choice at a time.
And with that intention, and a prayer on your lips, you’re already doing it right !
All my love,
Your big sister
PS (for the younger women reading this):
You might look at your mother, or your aunt, or sister, and think, “She makes it look so easy.”
Please remember — you didn’t know her when she was newly married.
You didn’t see her when she was figuring it out.
You didn’t see the questions, the struggle, the learning curve, or the growth.
If it doesn’t feel easy for you yet, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.
You’re seeing her after years of work and practice.
Iyh by you
Thabk you for this article! I’m not exactly a newlywed (approaching 10 years soon!) but these points are exactly on target.
This is super on target (speaking as a woman married 16 years). I think it’s beautifully said and written.
Very well said!!!!!
Beautiful! Something I wish I would have known is that sometimes that first 6 months to a year you’re still in that infatuation phase and some of the more typical “newlywed” challenges will only start then. Don’t be alarmed if you find yourselves in those challenges then (not the week after sheva brachos). It’s completely normal!
Completely agree. It can take time for the excitement and newness to wear off, and sometimes you only hit challenges a few years in. It’s normal and fine, does not mean everything is falling apart.
During the first year we went on vacation and my husband refused to daven without his hat and jacket, which I was not used to in my family. I told him, “what’s the big deal my father doesn’t wear a hat and suit when he davens.” BIGGEST MISTAKE… don’t ever compare your husband to others!
A mentor once told me to write a list of all the attributes you love about your husband and then – when the going gets tough (cuz it will) Pull it out and read it to remind yourself and get you back in that zone
Really helps
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is not to comment/criticize when your husband does things around the house! Maybe he doesn’t wash the dishes like you do, or fold the laundry quite the way you like it, but commenting/correcting/criticizing will slowly lead to “so you should do it YOUR way!”
Also, remember, he lives there too! Your husband can (and will) take up space! He’ll have his own systems and ways of operating that may not be the way you operate.
Obviously none of this means you can never ask him to put his shoes in the right place or use hot water when he washes the dishes (yes, really, that was a fun one), but if you come from these places, I promise the conversations will be far easier and lighter.