Shana Rishona: The Three Essentials

You’re building a foundation over the next few years–these three areas are the core of it.

Dearest Newlywed, 

Shana rishona isn’t a year. It’s a foundation. I heard from Rabbi Tatz that shana rishona is the first ten years — and honestly, that framing changes everything. There’s no rush to “get it right,” but there is value in understanding what this stage is really about. I’d love to pass along three pillars to keep in mind, and I hope you find these helpful. 

1.⁠ ⁠Figuring Out Your Financial Language

Money isn’t just numbers. It’s emotion, fear, security, and the way each of you watched money handled growing up.

This stage is about learning how to communicate:

• Do we save or spend?

• What feels stressful?

• What feels worth it?

• What does “being smart” with money actually mean to each of us?

This is where Kayla Levin offers a framing I love: get curious.

Not: Why would you ever do it that way?

But: Interesting…tell me why that feels right to you.

Is it worth saving money each week by cutting out a mini luxury? 

Should you take that second side job?

These aren’t arguments. They’re the beginnings of a shared language.

If you want some practical tips, Between Carpools has a thoughtful financial article written specifically on Finance Tips for Newlyweds.

2. Figuring Out Your Intimacy Language

Intimacy is one of those things everyone assumes should come naturally — until it doesn’t. You’re two people bringing different expectations and comfort levels  into something deeply personal. Shana rishona is about learning how to communicate and this too, is a language. Like any language, it’s learned slowly, gently, and together.

Often reaching out to your Chosson or Kallah teacher for a little guidance after marriage can be surprisingly helpful. It’s a bit like having taken driving lessons without ever sitting in the car —

and then realizing, once you’re actually behind the wheel, that a little direction can suddenly make things feel steadier.

Not because anything is wrong.

Just because now it’s real. Tending to things when they’re small is often the wisest thing we do.

3.⁠ ⁠Building Your Home

It’s natural to think — or even say —

“In my parents’ home, this was the norm.”

Stay open-hearted and open-minded to what was done in his home, too. You’re not choosing between right and wrong. You’re coming from two worlds — with different traditions, values, and expectations — and deciding, together, what belongs in the home you are creating now.

When you approach differences this way, they stop feeling personal and start feeling purposeful.

Not: This is how it’s supposed to be.

But: We’re building something new. Together. 

And that shift changes everything.

A Final Visual That Changed A Lot for Me

This visual came from my amazing sister, Estee LCSW, who learned it at Touro University from a mentor — and it has stayed with me ever since.

Picture a sophisticated boardroom.

One version looks like this:

You’re on one side of the table. Your husband is on the other. The issue sits between you.

Now flip the picture.

Put the issue on one side of the table — and you and your husband on the same side.

Same problem. Completely different energy.

A united front. A team, moving through this as a single unit. 

At the end of the day, the goal of our Jewish homes isn’t perfection. Our main objective and prayer is that the Shechina should want to dwell there. Hold that as your truth and as your compass. You’re building something holy, one thoughtful choice at a time.

And with that intention, and a prayer on your lips, you’re already doing it right !

All my love,
Your big sister 

PS (for the younger women reading this):

You might look at your mother, or your aunt, or sister, and think, “She makes it look so easy.”

Please remember — you didn’t know her when she was newly married.

You didn’t see her when she was figuring it out.

You didn’t see the questions, the struggle, the learning curve, or the growth.

If it doesn’t feel easy for you yet, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. 

You’re seeing her after years of work and practice.

Iyh by you