In some ways it is, in some ways it isn’t. Relationship coach Chaya Juravel explains the areas in which the Doyle approach does not work for the Jewish wife…
Chazal say that he who loves his wife, he will call and Hashem will answer; that if a couple is has a strong loving bond, Hashem will answer their tefillos. Working on your marriage brings bracha into your lives, aside from creating an environment that is the best hishtadlus for our children to emotionally healthy, happy and ovdei Hashem.
As a relationship coach, it is a zechus to be helping women bring the schina into their homes. I trained with Laura Doyle 6 years ago. I know Laura Doyle personally and I commend her work. I learned a lot from her. I’m grateful to be instrumental in helping women achieve a close relationship with both their husbands and their children.
My journey as a coach began with Laura Doyle’s intimacy skills and evolved into a new approach that is balanced and congruent with a Torahdig home and lifestyle. Speaking to hundreds of frum ladies has enabled me to see what works and what doesn’t work for the unique role of frum wives and mothers of klal yisroel. There are needs and issues in a frum marriage that a non-Jew cannot possibly understand. Here is my assessment as to whether The Surrendered Wife approach is Torahdig and whether it is realistic and sustainable for a frum wife and mother.
The Capacity for Emotional Intelligence
There is no one size fits all for marriage. Every man and every woman has a different capacity for relationships. The ability to have a good marriage and a good relationship for both spouses depends on emotional intelligence and emotional health. Typically women have more emotional intelligence than men, however, there is a big spectrum. When a woman is not emotionally aware she will struggle with using the skills and will not be very effective. She may not recognize her disrespect or control etc. So not every woman can follow The Surrendered Wife approach with success. If she is emotionally intelligent and emotionally healthy enough to implement the skills then there is a big possibility her husband will respond differently to her and meet her in her effort to create a close relationship, however there is also that possibility that his emotional intelligence is so poor or that he has other emotional limitations such as mental illness, etc. that he will not respond to her effort in a way that makes her efforts worthwhile. He may only improve slightly if at all. He may not have what it takes or may be in too much pain to recognize her efforts and reciprocate. This means that The Surrendered Wife approach is limited either by the wife or the husband’s lack of emotional health or intelligence.
Emotional intelligence, though, can be taught and emotional health can improve which will drastically improve the results and the outcome of the success of the marriage. Women and men can both become more emotionally intelligent and become more emotionally healthy. Typically, when I’m advising a client, I start working with a wife in helping her create positive changes within herself and in her marriage because the wife is typically more emotionally intelligent and because Chazal say that “the success of a marriage depends on the women’s initiative.”
Once she is a happy and healthier person and she is being more accepting, less judgmental and generally investing positively in her marriage, I will begin working with her husband. When he feels those changes and he doesn’t feel threatened, he does not need to defend himself anymore due to the increased emotional safety in the home. Then, there is a much greater chance that he will be open and receptive to learning to be more emotionally intelligent, to look internally, and help himself. BH I have seen miracles, including husbands pursuing therapy for themselves and really learning to love and connect. Not always can women create a close connection on her own and not always will that connection that she does create be as satisfying as Laura describes.
A Deeper Self-Care
Another point is that doing self-care for self-gratification, for selfish reasons is not the way of a yid. Self-care is not a goal. Doing self-care as a means to the goal of tikkun hamiddos—becoming your best self, and having good relationships—shalom and ahavas yisroel is what we all want to achieve. This fundamental difference will change the way one thinks and does self-care, and will make nurturing oneself a mitzva versus an act of giving into physical desires. I believe self-care is less about doing 3 things a day that make you happy and more about learning to tune into your thoughts and feelings and giving yourself what you need for the purpose of being able to be your best self. This is much more realistic and attainable for a frum wife who may not have the time to do acts of self-care consistently.
I Can’t or I Can
Laura teaches that when something feels like an “I can’t” for you then you should not do it as it will jeopardize your happiness and cause resentment. We know that chazal say “isha keshaira oseh ratzon ba’alah, that a wife is supposed to do her husband’s will, to do what he wants. So it would seem that saying “I can’t” is anti-Torah Hashkafa. Laura has a point though that if someone ignores their limitations they will not be able to be a happy person and therefore this will negatively affect their role as a wife. A person has to be a mentch (a healthy individual) before they can be an oved Hashem or a parent or spouse. From a Torah perspective, is saying “I can’t” allowed ? According to the words of the Rambam, “a woman should treat her husband like a king and make important to herself everything that is important to her husband and distance from herself everything he doesn’t like,” clearly we need to work on wanting what our husbands want for themselves. “I can’ts” should not be used frequently or easily. There is a place for saying “I can’t” when it will put you in extreme physical or emotional discomfort and will prevent you from being a happy healthy human being—a mentch. Adopting a cavalier attitude towards doing what your husband wants is not congruent with the role of a frum wife. We need to use Torah Hashkafa and change our perspectives when possible to make our “I can’t” into an “I can.”
Don’t Be Controlling? It Depends
In order for The Surrendered Wife approach to be sustainable, a wife has to experience success, no one can keep working and investing in a relationship and get nothing in return or very little in return. Thankfully most women who use The Surrendered Wife approach do receive a lot of positive back and their husbands rise to meet them in their effort. That’s what makes it a wonderful and effective approach. Many women also find that they need a lot of support to continuously implement the approach. Know that if you were not able to achieve results using this method, it is not your fault! Sometimes a husband’s issues do need to be addressed in order to create a successful happy marriage or you may need more help and guidance.
The Surrendered Wife approach is definitely a wonderful form of hishtadlus but it doesn’t work for everyone and often enough, long term results can only be achieved with either more support and or other interventions. May we all be zoche to bringing out the potential in our marriages and for our homes to be a dwelling place of the shechina.
See the previous posts discussing these topics.
After the last post about Laura Doyle I decided to go and read her book (First Kill al the Marriage Counselors) My (slightly insulted) husband asked me if I thought our marriage needed help, so I explained that it wasn’t about him but about me wanting to be a better and happier wife. After a week of reading (and rereading) and really implementing what I read, my husband said y’know, I don’t know how or what but that book is really working! I was noticeably happier, and BH my husband is too.
That being said, there’s quite a bit of dirt that has to be tuned out while reading, and some of the content raises questions such as those that Chaya presented above. Also, the whole focus of the book is how to be cherished and desired. Really!? Our focus should be to build a home for the Shechinah. Laura also writes about your desires serving as your guiding light or “North Star” – which is also potentially problematic. Overall though, the book is nothing like I’ve ever read and literally life changing in the best way! So thanks BCP for putting it out there, and keep the discussion going 🙂
I was always warry about reading nonjewish marriage books, because even though i believe that there is chachma bagoyim, and im not anti all secular literature, there is no way to compare a frum marriage with a non-jewish relationship. So i was very curiuos about the last BCP post. In that article, You mentioned the book “marriage secrets” by Leah Richeimer, and i decided to read it. My friend and i started a learning group based on the book, and its been amazing! Leah gives such a clear, honest and fresh perspective, all with Torah sources, so there is none of that outside influence. She speaks alot about the need to be cherished, but not at all from a selfish perpective. It is all about working on ourselves. Highly recommended! I would read a book like this before reading a secular book (just my opinion)
I have taken Chaya’s teleconference and continue to be apart of the teleconference for over a year now. She truely has transformed Laura’s approach for Jewish approach. Her teleconference is a must for ever marriage. I have seen so much improvement and happiness from the skills I learnt. Thank you Chaya for all that you do.
In response to Shevys comment about only wanting a home for the shechina… Hashem rests his shechina in a home where the wife acts in a way that causes her to be cherished and desired. Hashem created a woman to naturally seek her husband to desire her(viel ishaich teshukusaich) and there is nothing hashkafically wrong with working on shalom bayis for that purpose. I read a mekor in a previous post on this topic, that The Rambam says that a woman who wants to be treated like a queen should treat her husband like a king. A woman who won’t read the book for that reason, will be the first woman to cause the shechina to run away because she will not have the skills to create a home in which the shechina will want to reside. In addition, what is wrong with a womans desires being her husbands north star? A woman who is at a point where her husband wants to make her desires his desire, means that shes doing a great job at being an isha kisheira and his natural desire to make her happy is alive and strong.
Thank you for posting Mrs. Juravels article. It was informative and a great read..
I always understood from the book that Laura writes that although being controlling takes away from the connection, a woman always gets to choose between intimacy and control so according to my understanding that would mean that it’s ok to control when the issue at hand is more important than intimacy for example in extreme ruchnius situations.
I love laura doyle’s books and have recommended them to all my friends! A friend of a friend who was suffering in her marriage and considering divorce used the skills she learnt from laura’s book to save her marriage! Isn’t that amazing?
Hashkofo wise there isn’t really any problem with the book being written by a non jew. It’s just that as a Jewish woman with extra obligations like having multiple children and cooking most food from scratch, sometimes I felt like laura didn’t understand how much stress we are under!
And definitely there is a need for holding a surrended circle group in Jewish communities over the world, where we can feel comfortable to discuss the ideas learnt and encourage each other by showing what an affect they have on our lives! So keep going all you laura doyle coaches! I’m waiting for one to open up in my area!
Of course there’s so much more out there in terms of learning how to improve your marriage. But laura’s books are probably the best place to start!
A big fan;-)
to tziri, there is a beautifully support group set up by chaya juravel. it’s the go4harmony anonymous text group. but all the different people there are so close and support eachother eventhough we do not know eachother’s names. we root for everyone’s successes and hold their hands through their hard times. chaya is amazing!
how do i access this text group?
Thank Chaya for validating that this approach work for everyone. I’ve listened on Chaya’s teleconferences and read Laura’s books but as is written in the trocken my husband lacks emotional intelligence so I haven’t really seen any results.
Have u done private coaching with Chaya? The teleconference is a broad approach for a more individual approach you should do private coaching. The coaching will guide you through your specific areas that need improvement.
I have taken Chaya’s telecomference & dome coaching with her, she has transformed my life! She has the ability to help change the dynamics in your marriage & create big shifts. She teaches you how to create emotional safety in your marriage & to bring out the most in your relationship…Joining the go4harmony telecomference is a must for every jewish woman!!
Chaya Juravel is someone that goes above and beyond the call of duty to save marriages. She invests her heart and soul into each marriage. Some marriages gain from just listening to the course, it’s a great enhancer. Some marriages that just need a little tlc to get back on track enjoy her one on one special guidance which she gives in a couple of coaching calls. And some marriages that are struggling, you see and hear from the anonymous people on go4harmony about the hours and hours she invests in helping each person. She is not a coach that just wants to keep you forever, she wants to set you up so you have the skills to move forward. She cares about every single persons state of happiness and gentle guides each person to what they could do to be their best, and she cares so so much about everyone, she does not give up on anyone ever!! If anyone wants to enhance their marriage to it’s best possible state, call her, you will not regret it, even if your husband is emotionally limited- she can help you so so much!
Does anyone know which of Laura’s books should I buy if my marriage is great but I always want to be better. Not a book about marriage counselors and divorce. Thank you!
None of them are about marriage counselors or divorce, it’s just a catchy name. They are essentially all the same book. The empowered wife is the most updated of the 3
The empowered wife I enjoyed the most!
Very interesting article, and nicely written.
I just noticed in quite a few places it says women when it’s talking about a woman in singular form.
i recently listened to the phone shiurim by R shmuel neiman and have found that his lessons have used some of the princaples from the surrendered wife but his insights have helped my marriage reach the next level!!! his shiurim are meant to be heard by men as well and my husband as well as all my friends who have done the shiurim said thier husbands as well have found the lessons to be life changing!!! i wish for more people to sign up and listen so that they to can acheive true marital happiness!! as one of my friends said hashem gave us the klalah of tzar gidul banim and parnassah but he also gave us marriage to sweetent he deal!!!!!
I would love to join the group how can I joim
Please call or text 9176004386 to sign up.
I don’t think a wife is obligated to endure physical or emotional pain just to please her husband. I would think that would be domestic abuse. The Torah way of life is darchei noam and made to be balanced. Of course if a wife wants to, she is allowed to, and maybe it will be helpful for her marriage. I’m not a Rav so ask your LOR. Maybe when it comes to his physical needs then it is an obligation.