Even the questions you think are innocent can sometimes be offensive (and yes, it can be offensive to ask someone if they’ve lost weight!). Here’s a quick guide.
It may be while taking a power walk on a country road, on a midnight run to Walmart, or at the local ice cream store–when summer comes, suddenly we’re seeing some old friends who we might not have seen in awhile. Naturally, you might be bursting with curiosity and may be tempted to dive right in with your nosy questions. However, asking direct questions can lead to potentially embarrassing or awkward situations for both of you.
Not seeing friends or acquaintances for a while means lots of catching up, but it’s wise to tread carefully with your questions. Remember, we all have our public facade – but there’s often a lot of complicated stuff brewing behind the scenes. So, instead of blurting out, “You still haven’t found a school for your daughter?” try something a little more… subtle.
Here are a few sensitive topics to avoid:
Singleness: “I can’t believe someone like you is still single!”—this can feel like a criticism rather than a compliment and can be quite hurtful.
Kids: “How many kids do you have?” might seem innocent, but for someone struggling with infertility, it can sting.
Marriage: “How long have you been married?” could be tough for someone who’s recently divorced or going through a rough patch.
Career: “What do you do for a living?”—they might be in between jobs or navigating a career crisis.
Family: “How are your parents?”—not everyone’s family dynamics are rosy; there could be illness or loss.
Health: “Have you lost weight?”—while well-meaning, it might not be the compliment you think it is.
Instead, try open-ended questions like, “What’s new with you?” or “Been up to anything exciting lately?”
This lets people share what they’re comfortable with.
Being mindful of our questions isn’t just about avoiding social pitfalls; it’s about showing empathy and respect. In every interaction, let’s strive to be the person who brings lightness and ease to the catch-ups.
Ultimately, it shouldn’t be about being the one with all the information. It’s about being the one who makes others feel comfortable. It’s about being the person who leaves others a little happier and lighter than before.
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Thanks for this. I just want to point out, that while direct, tactless questions can be hurtful sometimes, there are some comments that just don’t land right sometimes but are totally innocent in nature. I once went to a fertility event where one of the panellist with 2 sets of twins remarked “you don’t know how hurtful it is when people ask me if twins run in the family.” I felt that was taking it too far. Of course her journey was difficult, but seeing 2 sets of twins and asking if twins run in the family is a very natural reaction, we can’t make everything taboo. Another question I’ve heard is inappropriate these days is asking a first time (boy) mom “will you be having a pidyon haben.” That is a fair question and shouldn’t be scorned. I think that while we all need to turn up the sensitivity gauge a bit when it comes to others, we also all need to build up a thicker skin. Going home and harping on that casual well meaning question that happened to have hit a sore spot is only going to make things worse, we need to be gracious and judge other favourably, and assume they meant well. Most people do. I think as a generation, we can use a little toughening up.
So well said! Thank you! As someone who’s been divorced and have children from a prior marriage, I’ve gotten my share of “funny” comments but I never took it personally. People really mean well- we need to be Dan l’kaf zchus. No one is out to “get you”
I so appreciate this point.
Very true. It’s on the asker to be sensitive, but there’s almost no way not to accidentally hit a sore point. The “askee” needs to think about where the question is coming from and the intent. Not easy, but most people do not mean harm. Plus we’ve all put our foot in our mouths – that’s being human. And some people are just clueless.
My daughter, married now 8 years without children, was subbing as a school secretary, and the day ran overtime due to a scheduling issue. The principal was appreciative of her staying late, and asked her repeatedly, “who’s with your kids? You were able to make arrangements? Until when are you able to stay?” – well meaning, clearly trying to show she appreciates my daughter’s time, but she clearly did not know her situation. My daughter knew that explaining anything would only make her feel terrible, so she just smiled and said “It’s all ok”. What gevurah! May the zchus of staying silent and focusing on the other person’s feelings be a zchus for her….
I love the concept of gevurah. I never thought of it like that. It’s definitely a concept we could benefit from adapting, I wish it would spoken about as often as sensitivity
Amen!!! wow what a special lady to respond like that!i
Sorry i don’t agree. I assume that bh you don’t know what it’s like to have had losses and then not been able to make a pidyon haben for your baby boy born afterwards. I was fine with that since this baby did not need one but I’m so glad people did not ask. They knew not to – people can have losses, stillbirths miscarriages c sections etc and don’t want you to know their business. Please don’t ask!
I agree we can make mistakes but this is not innocent and now that you know it’s better not to mention thanks for listening
Thank you so much for this article. So important to be aware and sensitive.
Love these comments!! Love the idea of gevurah and building thicker skin
beautiful! Amen!!
Yes, agreed! The asker needs to be sensitive, and the person being asked needs to be able to pause and ask herself “was this really meant in the way that hurt?” She should ask herself this for her *own* sake and wellbeing, if not for the others’.
As someone who was single for over 15 years before marrying someone in a complex situation, I’ve been there more times than I can count. I’ve had plenty of uncomfortable questions and comments thrown my way…. And it took a lot of hard work, self awareness and yes, tears, before I realized that I can’t let someone else’s comments make my mood.
The biggest game changers:
1) when I realized that the very same comment said one day was “so thoughtful” , while the same comment made the next day was “thoughtless and clueless”. Could I really expect someone to read my mind and know whether today that comment would be appreciated or not? So much depended on on my own mood when it was said.
2) stewing in the comment, rehashing it, actually made me feel worse. But being able to look back and realize that I handled that comment gracefully and with class made me feel incredibly strong and proud. Having a couple of generic/neutral but *pleasant* responses that can roll off your tongue to the most frequent comments and questions (so many of them innocent!) is incredibly empowering. I think the response of the secretary without children yet, is an absolutely*stunning* example of grace and gevurah!
3) Reminding myself that I am certainly not perfect, and it wouldn’t take very much to dig up some pretty cringe worthy comments that I, myself, have made…. And they make me pretty embarrassed to think about.
So…. In short …. Should BCP print this article? Absolutely! Everyone needs a reminder that not everyone has a job, spouse, children, ideal existence, and it is YOUR responsibility as the speaker to be as sensitive as possible. But for those on the receiving end, the ones in the midst of a painful nisayon, the ones who feel like the comments just keep coming…. the above points were helpful for me.
I struggled for a while with something that most people take for granted. It was the kind of thing that you get asked about when you meet someone in the grocery store. I hated getting those questions.
However, it was not their problem that I was struggling. I own the problem and nosy questions is something that comes along with it. Don’t we always worry about what people will say? That is a big part of the nisayon. However, I don’t think people should stop asking. It’s up to me to come up with an easy, tactful answer to the question that I know might be coming.
Recently, baruch Hashem, we got through it. When a coworker asked me about that topic, the relief hit me that I finally don’t have to do verbal gymnastics around the answer! That was my own issue that I needed to work on. I never felt that she shouldn’t have asked the question.
One time some women were schmoozing about shoes for kids. At the time my son had a hard-to-fit foot. For some reason, the discussion made me feel very excluded. Should we ban talking about kids shoes? They already made sure that everyone there had kids to begin with! Any topic could be sensitive for someone.
Sometimes I feel like people are so aloof and afraid of being nosy. Maybe what we need is more caring and camaraderie and less fear of offending people?
I love everyone’s comments–and the article too! YES, we need to be more sensitive. Shaitel does not equal marriage, etc. But I love what you said about banning talking about kids shoes, it’s so true. ANYTHING can be sensitive to someone for a reason you can’t even imagine. You could compliment someone’s beautiful jewelry and it’sfrom that crazy rough patch in their marriage that did not end well…etc. So yes, let’s all be sensitive to others but also learn how to smile brightly, share that it’s a challenging comment to receive (where appropriate), and focus on our and the other person’s good points.
I want to add something else–there are those people who always know the right thing to say. How do they do it? I wish I knew. But when I receive that PERFECT comment at a sensitive time, I try to focus in on it and what made me feel so good about it. Sometimes it’s mood dependent, but many times they just focused on the positive and didn’t say anything personal and that’s what made it so nice. I try to learn for next time…
Older single here. Just wanted to say that simchas (l’chaims, vorts, weddings) are not the best time to give singles brachos for getting married or make comments about shidduchim to them. When I come out to the simcha of a friend I’m trying very hard to focus on their simcha and not on my situation. Unless you are the kallah (my good friend) or the mother of the kallah and in a position to give a heartfelt bracha, please don’t say to me “it will be in the right time” or “soon by you”. Now, if you want to take my name to daven for, or get my shidduch resume to pass along to a shadchan, or something else that will help practically, I would love it. But the generic comments from so many people are hard to take. I know it comes from a good place. Maybe their thought is that I shouldn’t feel like people are getting married and everyone is “forgetting” about me, so to show that they remember my different situation they make a comment. But it doesn’t feel good.
my husband once told me that the best thing to say someone is you look great! no questions!
Beautiful!
love it!!!!
I once met a woman and in the regular chit-chat, the conversation turned to maternity leave policies at work. She initiated the conversation, and since she clearly looked pregnant, I (mistakenly) took the liberty of asking her when she was due. Turns out, she had just had a late miscarriage and I was mortified and beside myself. Granted, she set me up for it, but still, I am an EXTREMELY sensitive person and should’ve known better. Most importantly, I’ve struggled with infertility myself and know all too well not to ask such questions! After rethinking the conversation too many times, I took two lessons from it: 1-Sensitive people can make mistakes too, we’re all works in progress 2-If I get an insensitive comment/question, I remind myself that they, too, are well meaning, and are works in progress. Beautiful topic as we head into the Three Weeks and try to increase our ahavas chinam!
In response to the first comment…one of the hardest comments after having my twins was being asked if it runs in my family ..the second best which stung so badly but only came once . From a total stranger who never met me before and saw many newborn twins in a carriage …how long were you married when you had them? I like to meet ppl and just exclaim it is so good to see you and le the take the lead