Women Know How to Get to the Core

Whether it’s when we’re parenting, in our marriage, or in the development of our selves–women have a special power of pushing past the surface.

Ah! Summertime! What a lovely season, ripe with opportunities for rejuvenation. As mothers, we might find that this time of year affords us more chances to connect to our children— in a more relaxed setting, with homework and tight schedules out of the way. This change of pace may afford us countless other opportunities to connect to others in a way that the harried year-round life does not. But what does true connection look like? The good news is that it requires a specific trait that we women have been blessed with abundantly. Let’s understand its essence.

Commenting on one of the most significant verses in this week’s parshah, Shelach, the Kli Yakar makes a statement that is a profound compliment to us women. Quoting the Medrash (Parshas Pinchas), he writes that since women have a great love for Eretz Yisrael, Hashem communicated to Moshe Rabeinu, “According to your opinion, men should be sent to scout out the land. But according to My understanding, it would be better to send women…” 

Why women? Let’s understand the special koach that we women have, one that enables us to see beauty and greatness everywhere. Fashioned from an inner organ of Adam HaRishon—his rib—the very first woman, Chava, personified a characteristic that is inherent in all of us: She was a being who saw beneath the surface. And as women, even centuries later, we too have been gifted with that innate strength. It’s the koach of penimiyus, of binah yeseirah, of being able to look past the outer layers to unearth the core. To live an inner-centered life is to always see beyond the veneer, to peel away those coatings in our desire to discover “the real thing.” 

This week, klal Yisrael lost a giant in Torah and avodah, a tzaddik who led a life of penimiyus. Rav Moshe Wolfson zt”l, the Mashgiach of Torah Veda’as and the Rav of Emunas Yisrael, espoused an inner-focused life above all else, evident in his unparalleled humility. His avodas Hashem was entirely centered on the internal core of the matter. It wasn’t just a checking-off-the-list service, but one that facilitated a deep, alive connection between him and his Creator. 

In one of the Mashgiach’s teachings on Parshas Shelach, this is the message that reverberates: When Moshe Rabeinu instructed the Meraglim to take from the fruits of Eretz Yisrael, his intention was for them to consume them and rise to the great spiritual heights which fruits from Eretz Yisrael have the koach to engender. Alluded to in their instruction of veyachperu (digging), they were meant to “dig deeper” to unveil the true essence of the Land. The Meraglim, however, didn’t do that. They didn’t see the internal quality hiding in those luscious fruits. All they saw was the outer layer—a cluster that was so heavy that eight people had to carry it back to the Midbar.  (For a fascinating explanation as to why specifically the grapes are mentioned in the Torah, listen to the full shiur on this topic here https://lahavinitiative.org/illuminate/.)

When we get stuck on the heavy weight of the grape and we can’t see past its shell, we deprive ourselves of recognizing and appreciating its priceless essence. We’re living by a value that Western culture espouses: the external above all else. It’s all about the glamour and glitz, the outer trappings, the petty stuff—be it fame, prestige, appearance, assets, success. It’s about the branding, the label, the designer everything—even designer schools and shidduchim. In Western culture, even those who appreciate values with a more internal slant, such as education and the humanities, can easily get carried away by the glitter of titles, Ivy League awards, sophisticated letters after their name. None of that is the real thing.

The chein of Eretz Yisrael, on the other hand, while in many ways externally breathtaking as well, is primarily internal. If all I see when I look at Eretz Yisrael is the externally displeasing parts, how can I connect to her true beauty, a beauty that’s more than skin deep? As a born-and-bred Brooklynite from Hungarian stock now living in Yerushalayim, that’s something I need to remind myself often, especially when I attend simchos here (or when we plan our own). Just the other day, I attended a wedding of a friend’s daughter. If I’d be there to rate the decor of the venue, the menu, or the music (just drums), I’d be in bad shape. The grapes would feel really heavy… But scratching beneath the petty surface, I was privy to a most beautiful detail at the event. In my search for the kallah during the dancing break, I noticed that she wasn’t on the dance floor. But this kallah hadn’t gone to redo her makeup or fix up her appearance. She was in the corner of the room, taking a few moments to daven Ma’ariv, connecting to Hashem, on one of the holiest days in her life. 

The message about living a life of penimiyus is not only about seeing the greatness of Eretz Yisrael per se. It’s a message that pertains to all of us, regardless of where on the globe we reside. And there’s no better time than now, during the months of Tamuz and Av, during which the Meraglim failed to scratch beneath the surface, that we can counteract that error by utilizing our special womanly gift of doing the opposite. Their sin led to to destruction, to churban, to distance from Hashem. When we tap into our unique strength to scratch beneath the surface, we open ourselves up to experiencing true connection. Let’s look at 4 primary areas in our lives as wives, mothers, Yidden, and human beings that can be exponentially impacted when we allow this inner gift to come to life.

1. Parenting

In all relationships, tapping into our gift of seeing others at their essence facilitates profound connection. As parents, doing so becomes imperative. First, it’s the only way we can see the greatness that is inherent in each of our children even when their behavior does not reflect that. Second, when they come to us with a question, comment, or request, or when we have a hard time understanding their conduct, by looking beneath the technical conversation and asking ourselves, “What is she really asking here? What is this child really looking for in this interaction? What might this child be desperate for that he’s behaving like that?” We can gain so much clarity and understanding about the child and their particular emotional needs at that time. So often, what we see as petty or even repulsive means so much to them, and the more we can try to understand where they’re coming from, and how much certain pursuits mean to them, the more of a relationship we’ll be building between us. A parental response that emanates from such a place can lead to the real bonding experience the child craves.

2. Marriage

In the same vein, seeing our husband through truly feminine eyes—eyes that look out for the core—is perhaps the greatest gift we can give to our marriage. Tapping into our “feminine vision,” we can make it our business to notice our husband’s kindness and goodness, instead of focusing on the those outer layers that constantly keep getting in the way of our closeness. And when our husband makes a comment or request that rubs us the wrong way and risks creating distance between us, instead of going with our knee-jerk surface responses like anger, revenge, or withdrawal, by wearing those “beneath-the-surface glasses,” we can ponder, “What is really going on here that’s causing this friction? What is it that I really want to say and how can I say it in a way that will best facilitate the kind of relationship I wish for? What is it that he wants that I can bring more of into our relationship?” 

3. Yiddishkeit

Reading this article is just one indication of your desire to lead a more inner-focused life, so that’s a point for you right there 🙂 By making it our business to learn Torah, listen to shiurim, engage in spiritual pursuits, and make our Yiddishkeit more meaningful and mindful, we’re doing what we can to live a more penimiyus life. Two powerful ways to make our relationship with Hashem more real is to converse with Him throughout the day in our own words and to make it a focus to do good deeds that are only between us and Him. The less outer-focused our Judaism is, the more real it becomes. 

Also, the less Western-culture distractions we allow into our life, the more we set ourselves up for focusing on what really matters. It’s hard to tap in to our inner world and our spiritual essence when the buzz and glitz of everything that espouses the opposite is ringing loudly in our ears and sparkling before our eyes (one great perk of living in Eretz Yisrael!). Surrounding ourselves with inner-focused people also plays a significant role in helping us toward this endeavor. 

4. Self-Development

Of course, the more attention we pay to the core of things, the more attuned we become to our own inner selves. The #1 asset toward true self-development is recognizing our greatness, which once again requires… seeing our core—our pure neshamah, the great person we already are right now, and the even greater person we have the potential to become once we recognize this essence. 

Living a penimiyus life also helps us navigate through our internal struggles and understand ourselves better. Self-compassion necessitates that we see beneath our own layers. “Why am I so triggered by this person?” “Why am I finding it so hard to commit to this/that/the other?” “Why do I find this child/relationship so challenging?” By looking inward instead of resorting to self-criticism, we can come away with immense clarity regarding our struggles. 

When we make it a focus to utilize our feminine gift of living a more internal-focused life, plowing beneath the surface in ourselves and others, we get to unearth the most breathtaking and valuable of treasures. Happy digging!