Are your young married children coming for Pesach? Are you heading to your parents or in-laws? Here’s what you both quietly wish the other knew.
by Ella Rosenberg (and her sisters who are hosting their married children)
This site is read by 22-year-old newly marrieds and 50+ mothers who are hosting those newly marrieds. Which makes this the perfect place to have a conversation that usually happens privately — or not at all.
If you live around the corner from your mother, or your children are within walking distance and in and out all year long, most of this won’t apply. For those who live far — overseas, two hours away, or across the country — Pesach together is precious.
It’s also a lot.
It’s wonderful to be together and to see the grandchildren running through the house. To hear the familiar noise at the Seder table and to feel like a family under one roof again.
It does take preparation — on both sides — to make sure that the Yom Tov feels good for everyone.
Take what fits your family, leave what doesn’t, and add your wisdom in the comments — because we’re all learning this together.
⸻
Moms
We’re starting with you- the older, wiser ones usually go first.
- Get more coat hangers.
More people in the house means more coats, jackets, blazers, raincoats. If you don’t want to feel stressed about coats lying around, make it easy for them to hang things up.
- Buy the small things.
Your son’s favorite soda. Your daughter-in-law’s favorite magazine. These gestures are small, but they say, “We thought about you.” Try to put a wig head in the guest room, and some new toiletries in the bathroom as well.
- Ask what they need before they come.
What size diapers? Any baby gear they don’t want to shlep? Any food sensitivities? The more you clarify in advance, the smoother it feels when they arrive.
- Ask about bedrooms.
If it doesn’t matter to you where they sleep, let it matter to them. Some couples want quiet in the basement. Others want to be in the action upstairs and think the basement is claustrophobic.
- Remember: they are stretched thin too.
Especially couples who moved away right after marriage — to Israel or another city. They’ve been cooking night after night. They don’t have family dropping off soup or cookies, and they’re rarely skipping to cook a shabbos meal. When they come home, they may just want to feel taken care of again.
- Be flexible about meals.
“If this meal works better for your in-laws, that’s fine.” Your children are juggling two families. The less pressure they feel from you, the more peaceful their Yom Tov will be.
- Encourage them to plan ahead.
There’s an avalanche of making appointments, please gently remind them.
“Do you need to schedule your dentist while you’re in town?”
“Do you want to book that wig appointment in Israel so it’s not last minute when you get home?”
You don’t want the Erev Yom Tov crisis. A gentle nudge ahead of time helps everyone.
- Communicate kindly and clearly.
If you’re not comfortable with them using your car, or eating on that sofa, say so warmly and clearly. Unspoken tension never improves a holiday.
- Start the Yom Tov with a gesture.
A small gift. A sweater. A bag. Something thoughtful. It says, “We’re so happy you’re here.”
- Keep complimenting them.
Tell your daughter she’s doing beautifully.
Tell your daughter-in-law shes raising her children with grace.
Tell your son-in-law you appreciate how seriously he’s working / learning.
Young couples are building something new. Your words steady them more than you realize.
⸻
Daughters / Daughters-in-Law
- Clean up after yourselves.
High chairs don’t clean themselves. Even if your mother still has little kids at home, she doesn’t need to clean up after yours. The quicker you tidy up, the lighter the house feels.
- Handle diapers thoughtfully.
Bring nappy sacks. Double-bag. Toss in the garbage pail. Avoid changing babies on the brand-new couch or treasured rug.
- Read the room.
If the house feels very neat, assume she probably doesn’t want ice pops walking from room to room. Follow the tone of the home.
- Wear the outfit she bought you or the kids.
Even if it’s not your style. Let her feel proud , and see you or her grandchild in something she chose with love.
- Don’t sit on your mother’s head all day.
Even if she says, “Stay!” — wake up and go out for a few hours. Take a walk. Take the kids to the park. Visit a friend. She loves you. She also needs space.
- Offer to bring something.
If it’s Pesach and you can’t cook in your own kitchen, maybe offer to buy the sorbet, the drinks, the fruit platters. If it’s a regular Shabbos, bring the dips. The sourdough. A salad. Dessert. Even if she says no, the offer matters. She’s working very hard. Take something off her head.
- Help without being asked.
If you don’t want to be in the kitchen, take the younger siblings or preteens out on Chol Hamoed. Offer to run errands while you’re out with the car. Ask, “Is there anything I can pick up for you?” Small gestures feel big when someone is hosting.
⸻
A Gentle Reminder for Everyone
Before we close, something important.
Everyone is out of their comfort zone.
The young couple sleeping in their old bedroom. The mother hosting in a kitchen that suddenly feels too small. The son-in-law navigating two families. The daughter trying to parent in the house she grew up in.
You may see something and think,
“That’s not how they usually talk.”
“That’s not how they normally parent.”
“That tone felt sharp.”
Pause.
When people are out of their space and out of their routine, — they don’t always show up as their best selves. That doesn’t mean that’s who they are. It may just mean they’re adjusting.
Pesach is about freedom. Sometimes the freedom we need most is the freedom to assume good intentions.
Assume everyone is trying.
Assume everyone is a little tired.
A little grace goes a long way, and before you know it everyone’s back in their own cozy homes.
Thanks for this great post! I just want to add that if you are a sibling spending Pesach at a brother/sister, these tips apply as well. Yes your sister is your sister & not your mother in law, no she doesn’t want to clean up after your baby eats (possibly in her own child’s high chair).
beautifully written
i’d like to add that when kids come together to their parents for yomtov
they should also go out of their way to buy a gift or make an album of their kids
to show how much they care and are thankful!
Another point for the daughter/son. Households can change over time. What might have been OK (or at least tolerated) 15 years ago, might not be OK now that there are no young ones in the house.
What about if my parents in law are moving into me??
Any ideas of gifts to buy for your parents? Perhaps individually or that siblings can chip in for to bring to their mother/ mil who is hosting the?
Monogrammed disposable napkins or new napkin rings, something new to add to the table.
Single siblings or siblings in law are not automatic babysitters. Open communication before Chag can save everyone a lot of aggravation
So strange why does the mother have to worry about the married daughters wig wash and blow? Never heard of that
I agree with S. As a daughter and daughter in law
If you’ve ever traveled in from Israel you would understand. It’s hard to wash it and then travel with it because it gets messed up, so you might plan to do it in the US/ But often we forget that sheitel machers there are really busy erev pesach. Then you’d ask your mother to ask her shaitel macher to squeeze you in.
Reminder to parents and in laws that it’s best for young kids to remain on their daily schedule, even though you would like to have them up at the Seder until 2:00. And you’re not the one who will be dealing with cranky children the next day.
Agree with you. hanks for this great post! I just want to add that if you are a sibling spending Pesach at a brother/sister, these tips apply as well.
can someone forward this to my mil?!?!
What about kids hosting parents and juggling a job kids etc and hosting