Instead of expressing guilt to your husband, express your apology with an expression of gratitude. Here’s how–
One of the top dubious contributions of Hollywood to the art of relationships (coming up right next to “love at first sight” and “they lived happily ever after”) is the wildly-inaccurate-but-cool-sounding aphorism “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”
If you’ve been married for more than, let’s say, 5 minutes, you already know that’s not true – riiiiiiight?
Yet sometimes, you can flip the script – and replace a contrite apology…with a bid for connection.
Say you got caught up on phone call after havdala – and came to the kitchen to find your husband doing the dishes (normally your job).
And you say…
“Oh, I’m so sorry, I just lost track of time and was distracted by the conversation. You don’t need to do my dirty work!”
Or… you bought some new bowls and asked your husband to stop by the dish mikvah at some point in the next few days. He returns home that day with the toveled dishes, and says, ‘Boy, was it cold in there. I literally had to break the ice on the surface to get them into the water. I’m just now starting to get back the feeling in my hand!”
And you say…
“I’m so sorry! I didn’t really need them yet, you didn’t need to freeze your hands for me!”
Or… your husband is watching the kids while you run some errands, and it took waaayyyy longer than you expected. You fly into the front door calling…
“Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! There was traffic and long lines and I feel so bad you got stuck with the kids for so long!”
Around this point you’re probably wondering – Yeah, so? Of course I apologized, what’s wrong with that?
But there is a better way. By turning Guilt… Into Gratitude.
Think for a moment how your husband felt, after your responses in the above scenarios. Slightly mollified? Charitable? Perhaps feeling like he’s somehow being held responsible for your uncomfortable feelings?
What if you came into the kitchen, gave your husband a big smile, and said, “Oh! Thanks so much for doing the dishes! That’s so sweet of you to give me a break!”
Or if your husband came home and you said, “Wow – thanks for taking care of the toveling for me even though you froze your hands off. You’re my hero!”
Or if you came into the door and gushed “Thanks so much for holding down the fort for me. My errands took longer than expected and I know it wasn’t easy for you. I feel so grateful knowing that you’re there for me.”
How does your husband feel NOW?
Of course this is not to say that there are no situations where an apology is appropriate and necessary. But before jumping in with the ‘sorry’, stop and think first:
Is this a situation I can turn around, to generate warm feelings and connection between us?
(Pssst – this technique can be modified for use with kids, friends and co-workers, too).
Love this post! I’ve heard of using this method when coming late (to a meeting for example) instead of apologizing for being late or giving excuses, say “thank you so much for waiting for me” and move on!
Yes! I also realized this recently. Say thank you instead of sorry– everyone will be happier!
Someone in my family is always apologizing. She’ll ask me for a phone number and then feel so bad “so sorry to bother you, you sure it’s not a big deal…??”. I always tell her “of course it’s a big deal, how dare you ask me to do something so difficult that you would never do for me ;)”… JUST SAY THANK YOU! you are not a piece of garbage that has to excuse your right to exist!
(within reason… “Thank you for allowing me to crash into your car” obviously ain’t gonna cut it.)
I like to apply this mindset, even when apologizing… You can say sorry in a grateful way, and not in a guilty way.
I heard this too and have been saying ‘thank you for waiting’ instead of ‘sorry I’m late’ ever since. Saying I’m sorry I’m late puts the other person in a place where they feel they need to say ‘oh, no problem, it’s okay…’ even though they might have been inconvenienced by your lateness, but saying thank you for waiting shows that you appreciate them waiting for you.
This is great! It also takes away the assumption/stereotype that everything is the woman’s job and if the man helps, it’s a bonus. No! they are both equally responsible for the household and the children as they both gave birth to them. How they split up those tasks is individual but it should never be viewed as a favor if a father is watching his own children or washing the dishes that he and his family all used.
https://rebgershonribner.com/a-wife-with-a-misguided-sense-of-equality
but I did love the article!
Love it. Sometimes we know these things but need constant reminder. Thanks for the reminder
Thank you! What a beautiful succinct way of putting it. So true and helps transform relationships, all of them, and then people mirror it back to you
I love this!! It reminds me of an article you shared a few years back that I try to follow. Choosing to express gratitude rather than repeatedly apologizing when receiving help is a beautiful way to show appreciation toward others.
Thank you S for mentioning R Gershon Ribner. He always has such smart things to say. He is a great Rabbi and a little unconventional.