Are You Responsible for Your Husband’s Ruchnius?

The answer? Absolutely not. But then what are we supposed to do if he’s not fulfilling his part?

There are 2 voices in a frum woman’s brain. One says, “you’re not his mashgiach.”

And then there’s the shriller, louder, more authoritative one.

The one that says, 

“He is not fulfilling his tafkid! This is not what I expected when I chose him!”

“He’s setting a terrible example for the children. How will they turn out, when they see their father doesn’t make it to minyan on time?”

“I’m his Eizer Kenegdo. My s’char comes from his Torah learning. If I don’t get him into shape, we’re both in trouble.”

And then it starts.

“It’s 9:15. Don’t you think you should be leaving for ma’ariv?”

“Tzivia’s husband is making his 3^rd siyum this year already.”

“Wouldn’t you would learn better with a chavrusa?”

Sound vaguely familiar? If so, I have 2 questions for you:

1. Is it working? Has your husband magically transformed into the Torah-masmid-with-breaks-for-minyan of your dreams?
2. How has it affected the emotional temperature of your relationship? 

True, you may feel noble about it. That you’re doing your due diligence to propel your husband to greatness, even at the trivial cost of your everlasting marital joy and happiness. After all, people strain their shalom bayis over petty things like finances and housework, all the time. At least, in your pursuit of eternal joint reward, you can have the confidence of knowing it’s for a Holy Cause.

Or maybe not.

My World

First and foremost, let’s be clear about a woman’s tafkid. Every woman, like every human being, has her own personal tafkid in the world. This is defined by her identity (in this case, Jewish), her gifts (family of origin, culture, talents, weaknesses), and her life’s circumstances and challenges.

Additionally, if she is married, a major part of her tafkid is to be a wife. (Similarly, of course, as a mother if she has children).

So when it comes to worrying about your Olam Habah, I invite you to first take a deep dive and have a DMC with yourself once in a while. Not about the learning-Ramban-inside-and-memorizing-parshios brand of ruchnius from your seminary days, but in the real, down-to-earth, everyday challenges that make up the spiritual life of a frum woman. Are you dedicating a minimal amount of time to Torah learning? Connecting to Hashem through tefillah, in or outside a siddur? Daily life provides endless opportunities for patience, chessed, dan lekaf zechus, hakaras hatov, histapkus, joy, connection.  How’s that going for you?

Your role as a wife, of course, is multi-faceted, and revolves around the Torah definition of Eizer Kenegdo. Where we go off the rails, however, is where we assume that this means that she is responsible for her husband’s accomplishments in ruchnius – or that her place in Olam Habah rests only on his successes.

Rebbetzin Tzipora (Heller) Gottleib points out that we are never rewarded for results – only for our efforts. If I plan to visit my elderly aunt in the nursing home for her birthday, and I make childcare arrangements, buy balloons, and leave with plenty of time to arrive before curfew… and then get a flat tire on my way – in Shamayim it is considered as if I performed the mitzva of the visit, since the results are totally out of my control.

It may surprise you to learn that you actually have no control over your husband’s ruchnius. (Shocker, I know). His kavana in davening, his hasmada in his learning, his commitment to halacha – all of these are in his control, and are his own responsibility.

Your s’char, then, is not tied to how many hours he learns, his record-setting minyan attendance, or the number of siyums he is zoche to make annually. Rather, says Rebbetzin Gottleib, it comes from your efforts alone; and, as in all areas of ruchnius, “lefum tza’ara agra” -according to the difficulty/effort, is the reward.

Surely, then, we should try our best? Maybe nagging, reminding and comparing aren’t the ideal way for him to hit his daf yomi quotas, but if it seems to be working at least somewhat, isn’t it worth the effort?

Which brings us to his world.

His World

From a Torah perspective, the husband/wife relationship is defined by the Mashpia/Mekabel paradigm. While each individual person has varying life circumstances in which s/he is the Mashpia (provider/visionary/influencer) or Mekabel (receiver/actualizer/connector), men as a group tend to be stronger in the trait of Mashpia.

In real life, this translates into a strong drive to provide, to lead, to know the way and to be respected for his accomplishments. Along with an intense allergy to being controlled, criticized, or told what to do.

So, yes, a wife’s role is to join together with her husband to actualize his potential in his own personal avodah. And while we idealize thrice-daily-minyan and every-spare-minute-learning, the wise woman appreciates her own husband’s unique strengths and challenges, based on his inborn traits, experiences, gifts and inherent potential.

But.

Her supporting role can not come through behavior that he views as controlling (and therefore disrespectful). Which includes repeated reminders, comparing to others, pushing, nagging, eye-rolling, leading questions, simmering disapproval, sarcasm, and, unfortunately, just about every other tool in your arsenal.

Respect is your husband’s oxygen. It’s what makes him feel successful, what motivates him to perform, and  – as stated in the Rambam – is an integral part of your tafkid as a wife.

Note that I did not say “respect for being a Talmid Chacham” or “respect for doing mitzvos” or even “respect for being an ideal husband.” Just respect. Plain and simple.

Our World

How, then, do we accomplish our goals?

First, know your husband deeply. Recognize the deepest desires of his Neshama, and also his challenges. The idealized life of a frum man is rigorous, potentially including many hours absorbed in cerebral activities, as well as shouldering the parnassah responsibilities and running out to daven several times a day. Different people have different strengths, and not everyone is suited to the ultimate expression of ruchnius in every aspect.

Second, appreciate your husband for his accomplishments in all areas of ruchnius (as well as every other area where he provides benefits to you, your family, or others). Chessed in or outside the home, focused tefilla, interpersonal relationships, hachnosas orchim, tzedakah, even simply fulfilling his responsibilities as a husband and father – noticing, acknowledging and praising your husband will do worlds for your own relationship, as well as encourage him to continue to grow and succeed in these areas as well as others.

What about his Torah and tefilla? Aren’t those the cornerstones of any man’s avodah? 

Here’s where your true Binah Yesaira comes forth. Anyone can criticize and nudge, after all; but it takes a true Eizer Kenegdo to make the effort to figure out what will actually bring her husband to his own greatest potential.

Providing positive support and encouragement will accomplish what nudging and cynicism cannot. A snack or a lunch with a loving note, a cake or steak dinner for a learning milestone (no matter how small), a big smile to welcome him home, speaking with admiration to your kids or parents when he is in earshot….  When your husband knows that his wife stands behind him and believes in him, that is the most potent medicine for his success. And, of course, smoothing his path by shouldering household responsibilities when possible (as long as you can do so without overly stressing your ability to fulfill your parallel tafkid as a wife and mother.)

And the kids? Well, given the choice between a tense household with a mother who overtly demonstrates her disrespect and dissatisfaction of their father… and a loving home in which every effort in ruchnius is encouraged and valued… which atmosphere do you think is more likely to produce children who serve their Creator with joy, lovingly support their spouses, and raise the next generation of devoted ovdei Hashem?

I share the following story, not as an actual instruction manual for the modern wife, but as inspiration for how any wife can actualize her husband’s greatest potential.

Rebbetzin Gottleib tells a true story of a very wise woman who was a Holocaust survivor, who married a very simple man. On her deathbed she told the Rav, ”I’m not worried about my Olam Habah. My husband was a simple man, and he didn’t learn Torah. I told the Rabbi of the shul, ‘My husband is very kind and it bothers him to see the Rav putting away the siddurim in shul, so ask him to help put away the siddurim.’ So my husband ended up going to shul for every tefillah, so that he could put away the siddurim. Since he was in shul, I suggested to the Rabbi to invite him to a simple Torah class once a week. Then I started my own chessed delivery organization, and asked my husband to help with the delivery. I gave my husband Torah, Avodah and Gemilus Chassadim. I’m not worried about my Olam Habah.”