It’s always easy to complain about accommodations, sleeping arrangements, food and everything else. But, are you a good guest?
We covered How to Be a Good Host in this post. But what if you’re on the other end this Yom Tov? You want to be a pleasure to host as well! We interviewed both hosts and guests to hear their thoughts.
- Help out! You’re not at a Pesach program.
Your hostess prepared for your arrival for (probably) weeks. Her feet are achy by now, she is tired and yet so happy to have you there. You couldn’t help much with the shopping or the cooking, but now you can definitely help with the clearing up, sweeping, taking out the trash… the list goes on. Basically, be open to doing what you do in your own home. Keep insisting and helping. People remember the guests that help and the ones that don’t. The ones that do get invited again!
- Clean up after yourself and your kids.
A dirty diaper goes into a shopping bag and then in the trash. Outside.
You used the high chair? Wipe it down. Baby bottles? Wash them.
Collect your stuff and keep it in your room, as much as possible.
Also, the toys. Yes, the children are still playing with them. But, children do play better in a neat environment. Clean up as you go along. Don’t let the mess become too much.
- Take notice and compliment. Again and again!
“That soup was so delicious!” “ I slept so well! These beds are amazing!” “What did you put in that salad? It’s so tasty! I need the recipe.”
All women, no matter what age, need compliments and appreciation. It’s the fuel that recharges and keeps us going.
- And again…gifts.
Gifts are EVERY hostess’s love language! You don’t need to go crazy and spend a lot, but you do need to show that you thought about it, appreciate the fact that you are being invited, and buy something. A framed picture of the kids is always appreciated.
On that note, don’t bring fresh flowers that need to be cut and arranged right before Shabbos/Yom Tov, if you are arriving close to the zman. It just becomes one more thing to do.
- Don’t leave a mess behind
No matter how you look at it, stripped linens always looks better. It shows you tried and cared enough to help, even that bit. True, in many homes it might be the housekeeper cleaning up after you leave, but even so, it’s the right thing to do and you are teaching your children manners as they see you do that.
Speaking of housekeepers, if you will be staying for an extended period, a nice thing is to bring a small gift for the help. After all, she will be cleaning after you and your children. A hand lotion, diffuser, or even a small gift card can go a long way.
I find that aside from a gift, a beautifully written, heartfelt note presented POST yuntif, enumerating all the details that made your stay so enjoyable, means tons to the hostess. It’s so nice to bring a gift with a ‘thank you for having us’, but writing something fresh post yuntif writing about all the special efforts your hostess made leaves her with such a feel of accomplishment and happiness, It’s a great way to end of yuntif and can really contribute to the hostess feeling appreciated and recharged!
Just a quick note regarding stripping the beds: I always make sure to ask the hostess what I should do with the linen. Some women prefer leaving the linen on until the cleaning help comes or until they get to it (which may not be right away) so that the room looks neat even though the linen isn’t washed.
I really really do NOT like when guests staying by me remove the linen. Please do not remove without asking the host.
Why not?
One host once told me she likes to leave the linen on, and then washes it right before the next guest comes, so that the room smells fresh for the next set of guests. However, lease remember to take out the garbage from the guest room or bathroom when you leave!
I love the points about helping out! I know so many people who look at it as their time off when they go to parents and in laws for y”t and it really bothers me! Don’t look at it as a vacation. Look at it as a time to spend with family AND help out AND be on top of your kids messes.
I have something to add. It’s very important to help out, of course. I find, however, sometimes guests linger in the kitchen and their presence (too many people) is not helpful either. There are times the hostess wants to be alone, perhaps just with her “help”. If the hostess insists and keeps repeating that everyone leave the kitchen and go sit down, the guests should abide and not to keep insisting on staying and helping.
I was glad to see other commenters advise against stripping the beds without asking your host first. Not everyone’s mattresses are beautiful to look at and stripping the beds can leave the guests with a sour taste about their accommodations. Also, the room will look better with the linens still in place (even if the beds are not made perfectly) until you or your cleaning help are ready to wash them. It really is not so difficult removing linens from beds. It’s the putting it all back on that really takes time and energy! I always preemptively tell the guests not to bother stripping the beds. They are usually in a hurry after Shabbos or YomTov to gather the kids and pack up and go home so why add more work for them.
I agree with the posts about not stripping linens! I don’t appreciate when my guests do that… as others before me me put it, I prefer for the room to look neat until my housekeeper comes to wash up. Stripped beds and crumpled up linen for 2 days isn’t a help for me 🙂 thanks for this great read!
seeing that many ppl advise against stripping linen, I just want to add a comment to the other side as well!!
My mother-in-law, who lives out of town and therefore hosts different married children every shabbos, appreciates immensely when we do strip the beds. If we don’t do it, it won’t be her doing it- it will be her hired help. But I assume she appreciates the fact that I try to clean up after myself and don’t expect her to be my one-woman hotel staff over Shabbos.
On a related note- it is VERY not considerate to let bubby clean up your children’s mess!! I know, I’m also an exhausted mommy who needs a little shabbos break but try not to have your break on their cheshbon
Regarding stripping linen – I always ask my host if It is okay with them. One host that I frequent really appreciates it when I do strip the linen… and I if I have a few more minutes I even ‘dump’ it into the machine for her.
side note – if the host does not have a lot of cleaning help then it is really thoughtful to offer to bring your own linen!! (this is even more true when there are multiple families coming at once)
Pick up
a new mattress pad does not cost a lot if it’s stained or the mattress is stained. Same for pillows.. it’s such a help for me when the linen is stripped.. I host often; my lady makes the beds but I need to throw in the wash before she comes to save time..
On an opposite note, re, helping the in the kitchen, there are times when all the company/guests linger in the kitchen and overdo the help. Sometimes the hostess just wants to be alone in the kitchen, do things her way, and their presence and chatting, and sometimes messing things up, is not worth it. If the hostess insists that she is fine and everyone should leave the kitchen, please do so. Overdoing it and making it your hanging spot when your help is not needed is not beneficial either.
A few more ideas when being hosted –
1) Engage with the hosting family’s children. Kids get less attention from their parents when there are guests even if it’s family. Offer to play a game, read a book or just schmooze.
2) Erev Yom Tov is the busiest day for the hostess who is often standing and working in the kitchen from morning until close to yom tov. Ask what you can do on erev yom tov that’s helpful. I.e. Offer to take the kids out even for a short time. Bored nagging kids makes the hostess’ day so much harder.
3) Offer to bring a fresh food item to be eaten erev yom tov i.e. potato kugel or chicken fingers or if early enough bagels or wraps. This will be much appreciated by the hostess who besides cooking for yom tov the will usually try to have something ready for guests to eat erev yom tov.
4) Offer to watch the kids on yom tov in the afternoon so hosts can nap. Or arrange a rotating schedule beforehand. It’s often the same person/people who end up watching the kids while the others quietly disappear to take their own naps.