What does it mean to be a good host? What will make your guests feel the most welcome and comfortable?
So, Yom Tov season is upon us. And with it, guests. Whether you are the one hosting or the one being hosted (see our next post!), there is always something new to learn.
We interviewed some women who have large families and many married children. We also interviewed said children, and every single one of them taught us something. Then, we organized their thoughts and put them together. We thought you might be interested to hear.
Being a good host. What does it really mean?
You know how you feel after a beautiful Yom Tov is over and you don’t feel like going back to routine? Well, if that feeling was at your own house, kol hakavod, you are doing an amazing job. And if you felt that while being a guest, your hostess did a fabulous job. Learn from her. (And write in the comments what she did that was so great!
You want to achieve that feeling for all of your guests. It’s not easy, it won’t always happen or work out the way you want it to, but you can aim for that.
- It’s not about how many different salads, dips, types of meat you serve. Food is important, sure, it creates the vibe. But, it’s not everything.
- The #1 thing is your mood. If the woman of the house is happy, relaxed, smiling…the whole house is. So, rather not put up fresh babka on erev Yom Tov. Buy it.
- It’s more important that you focus on your guests’ arrival and receive them warmly and calmly. Or bake the babka before. Wayyy before. Obviously, the babka is just an example. The point is, sometimes, the best “self care” is removing that extra dessert from your to-do list. This might mean, for some, hiring more help for the Yom Tov season.
- When a host acts overwhelmed in any way, or talks about how tired she is or how hard she worked, guests are very uncomfortable. Yes, preparing for Yom Tov is hard work, no one will deny that, but act as if it’s nothing but a total pleasure.
- Prepare as much as you can in advance. If a recipe calls for too much prep that cannot be done in advance, rather skip it.
- Build your menu on foods that you can prepare ahead of time.
- Take your time.
- Make time for yourself, stay in your room with a book, take a nap or go for a walk with your husband. When hosting a large family over a Yom Tov it’s important not to neglect yourself. You are doing it for them.
- Pretend you are your guests, before they arrive.
- Take a walk around the house and look at it through your guests eyes. Remove all fragile items that children might touch, baby proof as much as you can.
- Walk into the actual guest rooms and make sure that there is enough room in the closets to hang clothing, unpack. Check the drawers. You will be surprised how fast stuff accumulates.
- Make sure the rooms have a clock. Young couples rely on their phones to tell time and often forget to pack a watch.
- Be equipped. Want your einiklech to come for Yom Tov? Make it easy for them. Besides for making it so much easier for couples to pack, having these items available makes guests/children feel wanted, welcome and thought after.
- Invest in that pack and play/crib.
- Get the extra high chair.
- Stock up on diapers and tell them they do not have to pack them.
- Ask them which baby foods or formula to stock on.
- Have baby Tylenol at hand or feminine products in the bathroom drawer.
- Also, a noise machine is worth investing in if you are putting lots of kids in close proximity to one another. It really helps keep sleeping children asleep.
- Guests will always remember how they felt, not what you served or how the table looked.
- That being said, if pulling out your expensive china will give you anxiety that something might break–then don’t. Rather use plastic than be tense about that.
- Rather ask than resent.
- Children (like husbands) are not mind readers. If you need something done, say so. Ask in a calm and polite manner and do that before you have resentment. Resentment might cause you to perhaps be not as polite.
- Ask for help before Yom Tov, delegate desserts or salads or whatever will be a help. When your daughter asks “Mommy, what can I bring?” don’t reply with “Nothing, dear!” unless you mean it. She will actually feel good when she knows what to bring, and will feel good about helping.
- Gifts are always appreciated. Everyone loves a gift? Right?
- You don’t need to spend much to make your daughter-in-law feel loved, something small in her room will make her day. Think a hand cream, a new pair of slippers. And the kids will be thrilled with a new game. Or the BCP journal (shameless plug right there!) to keep the kids busy on erev Yom Tov (and beyond!).
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Wow! So well said! This article is amazing!
Great article! A tray with cups, cutlery, and all coffee essentials so guests don’t need to feel uncomfortable rummaging around cabinets… quick breakfast options like yogurts and granola… ask in advance what the kids like to eat.. which yogurts, spreads etc. Clean snacks for the kids. And magazines in the guest room are always very appreciated.
Baby proofing!!! Yes, please put away anything you wouldn’t want your grandchildren to touch or break. It’s an additional super stressor for the parents to be on alert the entire time running after the active toddler … and young aunts /uncles – PLEASE PLEASE put your stuff away too! Better yet, keep your door locked if you don’t want the kids coming in.
TIP: as an oldest child and mother of 3 very active little boys, i bought more of the locks i have at home in my cabinets and put them into the cabinets at my mother’s house. These locks are amazing, they work with a magnet, and have the option to keep the latch open so when im not there, my mother doesnt have to have her cabinets locked.
Here is a link for these locks. its a bit pricey but take it from experience- its the only thing that keeps all my boys out of the cabinets! https://www.amazon.com/Baby-safety-products-magnetic-cabinet-locks/dp/B01M6Z8VB1/ref=sr_1_26?crid=1PTDKIZ9YV3F8&dchild=1&keywords=locks+for+cabinets+from+kids&qid=1629992571&sprefix=locks+for+ca%2Caps%2C784&sr=8-26
The idea about having gifts really makes a difference! We went to my in laws for chanukah one year and my mil left a bag with a few lotion samples – just something small and sweet and I still appreciate it years later!
Amazing, amazing article! Thank you!
I have the best MIL in the world who hosts many, many kids and grandkids for Yuntif year after year. She also works FULL time and manages the care of her elderly mother. Rather than investing in thousands of dollars worth of luxury meats, etc, she hires a lot of extra help to deal with all the laundry, dishes, cleaning. Her food is delicious and SIMPLE! Some things she does to make our stay so comfortable:
-before we come, she asks us to send her a list of foods we/kids eat so she can add to her grocery order
-puts an individual towel, hand towel, wash cloth on each bed so we don’t need to rummage in the bathroom looking for towels
-puts a big bottle of water in each room so no one has to get dressed in middle of night if thirsty
-puts a pair of hotel slippers on each bed (can be bought super cheap on Amazon)
-always puts a small gift in the room, whether it’s a new sweater for toddler, tie for hub, lotion for me, toy for baby etc.
-when one of the kids are crying, she and my FIL tell us, please don’t worry, it doesn’t bother us! If they weren’t our grandchildren it would, but since they’re our einiklach it doesn’t make one difference to us! right away this alleviates the stress we feel about the crying kid disturbing…
These are just some amazing examples of the ultimate hostess!
Loved this article! My mother in law too is a great hostess. Although she lives in an apartment I still feel comfortable staying by her. To me it’s the thoughtfulness that makes all the difference. She puts us in the room right across from the bathroom so it’s not awkward to go at night, puts a noise machine in the room for privacy, same with towels & a water bottle on the bed. She makes foods that she knows we’ll like & gets the magazine I enjoy reading. & like the previous commenter said, she makes simple food but so so good & heimish & you can just feel the love. I’d like to add that as guests we can try to make our hostess feel special too- flowers, a dessert, a new book, etc show appreciation & can be special.
Thanks for pointing out these important tips that make such a difference. As a daughter in law- I know how important it is to be a good guest but it would be super helpful if 1- shaitel head is left in the room. Water bottles and soda bottles don’t really do the trick! 2- MIRROR, if someone just showered, the mirror will be foggy and I can’t put on makeup that way. A mirror over the closet door would make such a difference! And it would help when I get dressed to see what I look like!! 3- a small garbage can in the room or bathroom is necessary. Enough said!!! 4- Skirt hangers are usually needed. One skirt hanger isn’t strong enough to hold 3 skirts… These are just some small pointers that could make it so much less stressful… Thanks for hosting:)
It’s a good idea to appreciate what there is instead of focusing on what there is not…
All of the above items are things you can bring! And If need be, buy your mil a pretty mirror and garbage can as a gift and put it in the room! My mil is an amazing person but is too busy to be focused on these little things so I just learn to fend for myself. But she’s so easygoing and relaxed so we love going!
same here!
my mil is very chilled and carefree which is great-but some things are just hard when she doesn’t realize on her own.
so instead of being resentful, I mention it to her, in a matter-of-fact kind of way. open communication goes a long way!
like when her highchair strap was broken, and with a really wild toddler it was such a hassle feeding her and keeping the place relatively clean.
but since my mil doesn’t use the high chair for her own kids anymore, I realized that she might have no idea the strap is broken! so I mentioned it and her reply was, “yeah, this chair is really old…” seeing that she didn’t get it, I just casually mentioned that it would be so much easier to keep the place clean if my kid would be strapped in normally, I wonder how much a new chair costs…
And yes, that very week she ordered a new high chair which was a total game changer!
but sometimes it’s not worth it to rely on others- just come equipped. like when one of my kids needed a dehumidifier and my mil assured me that she has one in the house. but it wasn’t working too well and it didn’t relieve my child’s stuffy nose and terrible cough. so I just bought another dehumidifier to keed at bubby’s and zeidy’s and the problem was solved.
Super point! I used to have a terrible challenge to feed 2 babies in 1 high chair. The next time I went for yom tov I brought her a booster seat as a ‘gift’. She was extremely appreciative and excited!
My mil never ever had any fruits, which I really rely on passover. So the next time we went I told her that I overstocked on fruits, which will get spoiled when we’re not home, and brought along an egg box full. Both of us were happy!
Just fend for yourself and don’t expect anything.
If she doesn’t put the water bottle in your room, take 1 from the kitchen and place it there.
If there aren’t extra towels, bring along or get her a gift.
If you need the specific tissues or juice, bring it along…… etc
Enjoy your stay!