3 Ways to Connect to Your Teen

There’s so much potential in developing the relationship between you and your almost-adults. These are three easy ways that work wonders.

Teens and preteens have always gotten a bad rap. Everybody knows that teenagers are their own separate creation. These days, however, many parents are finding it harder to relate to their teenagers than ever before. That’s because today’s kids have challenges that we, as parents, never had and have no frame of reference for. 

For example, we live in a boundaryless world. We used to be able to define morality and immorality. Nowadays, those definitions are murky at best and non-existent at worst. There is no certainty about anything anymore—teens can do whatever they want, be whoever they want, whenever they want, however they want, with no limits, no rules, and no values -no parental permission needed.

Additionally, advanced technology enables inappropriate information to be delivered to teens at the press of a button. Parents themselves are often not as present with their children because of this same technology. Phones and the internet pull parents away from their children just as much as they pull children away from their parents. This is why it’s so vital for teens and preteens to feel nurtured, loved, and accepted by their core family. It’s the most important gift we, as parents, can give them!

Here are three tips to help ensure your children feel loved and accepted:

Tip 1: Be Fully Present and Prioritize Your Child

For a child to feel loved, they must know they’re the most important person in your life. You, as the parent, may feel, “Of course, my child is the most important person to me,” but if you’re on the phone when they come home from school or texting while they’re in the middle of talking to you, that’s not what they’ll feel. Put your phone away—not next to you, not even in your pocket (unless the ringer is off), but out of sight and hearing. Children are very sensitive to the proximity of a phone and their parents when they’re talking to them. No matter how much you rationalize and say, “It’s just for a second,” or “I’m waiting for an important call,” your child will get the message that your phone is more important than they are.

Tip 2: Manage Your Energy and Project Positive Feelings

Another important idea to understand is that our children feel our energy, so even if we’re not screaming at them, they’ll pick up on our negative vibes. If we’re saying, “Hi, sweetie,” but really thinking, Oy, he’s late again, what is the matter with this kid, whether we like it or not, our thoughts and feelings will be picked up by them. Reb. Tukachinsky, in her Sod Ha’adam classes, offers a useful tool to help remove negative feelings. She advises parents to take time every day to think about three positive things about their child, whether it’s positive character traits, happy memories with them, or looking at a picture of them that fills us with love. This exercise, she explains, will help parents radiate a sense of warmth and positivity that their child will feel, even if nothing is said.

Tip 3: Create a Positive Shabbos Table Experience

The Shabbos table, especially, should be a place with a happy and loving vibe. Make your Shabbos table a nurturing environment by creating bonding moments with the kids through games, stories, or jokes. Don’t make it hard for them to sit. For example, don’t force your child to sit through lengthy divrei Torah. Possibly end the meal earlier if they can’t sit that long or allow them to leave the table early. The goal is for the Shabbos table to be a positive family time experience that they’ll remember and cherish.

With love and connection at the heart of your home, your child will always know where they truly belong. Keep building that bond-you got this!