Do You Love Being Right?

It’s also rewarding to keep that feeling of satisfaction inside of you.

I don’t know about you, but I’m a chocolate person. There’s something deliciously decadent that it clicks off in my brain. (Preferably gooey warm chocolate kokosh with a scoop of chocolate ice cream on top.)

I’ve found some other experiences that kick in that blissful brain state: curling up under the covers with a really, really well-written novel. Staring into the spiraling sparks of a campfire with a cozy blanket and mug of hot cocoa. Leaning back in my recliner with the gentle, heavy weight of a sleeping baby on my shoulder and breathing in the scent of her hair.

And… being proven Right.

Ahhh, that delicious chocolaty feeling of vindication. I’m right! Blameless! I was right all along! And (maybe) you were wrong – or at least mistaken. 

Delicious for me. For relationships? Not so much.

The Blame Game

The scene: NY Aquarium parking lot. The players: 2 parents who had just exited their car with their 2 year old daughter… only to find that there was no stroller in the trunk. Action: a screaming match audible to me and my kids, several rows over, around the subject of: Whose fault was it?

“It was your job to put it in the car”

“I left it right next to the doorway – how could you miss it?”

“It’s not my fault – you should have reminded me!”

What is fascinating about this exchange (besides the tired familiarity) is that this perfectly normal couples seems to be operating under the misconception that…

Blame solves the problem.

Sounds silly, right? ‘Cuz everyone knows it doesn’t, really. 

So why do we do it, then?

Because, you know. Chocolate.

But there is a better way.

While it can be difficult to remember in the heat of moment, this, ahem, conversation could have been entirely skipped over if the contestants had remembered their real goal:

We have a problem. What should we do now?

(Notice the “we” there. Shifting the imagery from a finger-pointing “you” vs. “me”, to the two of us bravely staring into the storm, facing our challenge together.)

Once you view it this way, a world of possibility opens up. What should we do, indeed?

We could see if the park has stroller rentals. Take turns carrying her. Go home and get the stroller. Change our plans and play at the beach instead.

It only takes one person to remove “whose fault” from the picture, and focus on solutionizing instead. Just ask yourself: Am I trying to solve the problem? Or solve who is right?

“I told you so”.

Dini listened with rising incredulity as Avi shared the business plan that his cousin was proposing.

“Because there’s a big demand for this, but no one has taken the initiative to provide it as a full-package service. So there’s a wide-open market, all we have to do is get financing and find a marketer and…”

Dini could see a million holes in his plan. He had never run a business before, for one thing, and he already had a steady job with a great paycheck. She interrupted to give him a string of reasons why this was a bad idea and would never work.

Avi pushed back. “Why do you have to be so negative all the time? Why can’t you at least give me a chance to look into it?”

Dini sensed his chagrin. She knew it was time to back down. Knowing that Avi wouldn’t make rash decisions and would always think things through and ask advice before jumping into a big project, she decided to switch to being a supportive sounding board, hearing him out and allowing him to share non-judgmentally.

3 weeks later, after exhaustive research and consultations, Avi admitted defeat. “It’s not a good idea for me. I don’t have any business experience, and at this point in my life it’s more important to have a solid paycheck.”

Be Dini. Feel that “I told you so” fighting to jump out of her lips. You can almost sense it fizzing in your chest like a shaken bottle of Coke. Now take a deep breath.

You have a few choices.

You can say it, of course. Get that yummy feeling of justification. And deal with the consequences.

You can reluctantly give in to the annoying  “Shalom Bayis Rebbetzin” voice in your head that tells you it’s not nice – and hold back with faint disappointment.

Or you can try this:

Play out the “I told you” in your brain. Feel – really feel in your body – the pleasurable, delicious feeling of being proven RIGHT.

And now, transfer that same exact feeling to something higher and lighter.

To a silver-sparkly gift-wrapped present for your husband. (Oh, you thought he forgot? No such luck. And even if he did – then it’s even more a gift that he doesn’t even realize he received.)

This isn’t suppression – it’s mastery. It’s choosing what kind of wife you want to be in this moment. It’s liberating to realize that you get to choose where you put that emotion.

Tastes even better than chocolate.

Where does your “being right chocolate” tend to show up — and what would it feel like to swap it for something sweeter next time?