A BCP Reader asked a question, and we started schmoozing about the topic…and we discovered a lot of important tips on keeping the relationship with your teenage boys strong.
While some of the emails you send to hello@betweencarpools.com only need quick replies, some others, including the topics you suggest, we go through when we all have each other’s attention.
And lots of the topics you suggest turn into posts! Recently, our Babysitter Download, came about after a specific reader request.
This time, one BCP reader wrote asking for “ideas on how to continue your relationship as a mother when your teenage boys aren’t around as much and don’t want to sit and shmooze or be part of fun family activities as they used to. You know what I mean!!? If you don’t have a post on this yet I, and probably many others, would love some ideas if you have!”
And while we didn’t specifically decide that we would address this topic, once we read the email, we naturally started discussing the topic.
So, yes, it’s true. Their day is longer, they are busier, or simply not around. Instead of being around from 5 p.m., they’re not around til 9 p.m. or even later. They might not want to go on those Chol Hamoed day trips. On Friday nights, some boys start going to learn instead of sitting around playing games with you and the younger kids like they used to. They’re also interested in different types of activities than the rest of the family.
But that doesn’t mean you’ll enjoy their company any less!
Even though they don’t need you like they used to need you, they still need you–it just changes.
Even though he isn’t around or doesn’t need you to take care of him like when he was younger, you can still give to him in a different way. Is his bus ride super long? Rides/picking up/driving are a great way to show you care and want to make it easier. If you can keep some dinner out for him even though everyone else finished ages ago, have it there for him (or at least have a secret stash of goodies he likes in the freezer). And, if you’re bringing him takeout/a sushi roll/an acai bowl to yeshiva once in awhile–even if you only get 30 seconds of conversation out of it (or not even if it’s a drop off and run)–it still shows that you’re proud of him and here for him.
And, of course, if he has small requests, like he needs pens or new eyeglasses, you should be attentive to fill these needs if he’s the type that doesn’t ask for all that much. If he’s not the schmoozing type especially, if he does share something, listen.
If you son is out of town, we have a post with talking point to stay connected even from a long distance.
—
Here’s a peek into the conversation that took place after we read the email:
“Great topic, love it!”
“I find they shmooze more than ever once they start yeshiva. When they come home from yeshiva, or when you pick them up from yeshiva.”
“They should want to shmooze. They may not have time, but they should want to. As far as trips, though, they definitely want to do different types of activities.”
“It all depends on the family dynamic.”
“It also depends on the kid. Some are shy/quiet. I make it a point to make the time for them. Otherwise it won’t happen.”
“The most important thing is not to be preoccupied with something else when they come home. And have food available!”
“Right!”
“If you’re busy working or doing something else at the computer, they won’t start schmoozing with you.”
“Yes!!”
“But if you’re reading a book, it’s easier to look up and start schmoozing when they walk in, they won’t feel like they’re interrupting.” (That’s even the case if you’re working when you hear the door knob turning…put the phone/computer away and quickly switch activities so you look available!).
“They also need a mother’s touch. A pat on the back, a pinch. My favorite way is to connect over music and we do that in the car, singing together etc. Food is huge one, too. And I will go out of my way to bring food to mesivta at times. Their day is so long and they don’t always like the food in yeshiva. This woman is probably feeling that as they grow up they talk more to their dad, which is normal. All of a sudden you’re out of the loop almost.”
“Funny! I find I see my beis medrash son all the time because I’m always bringing food or whatever he needs (i.e. looseleaf paper), but my husband barely sees him/talks to him because he’s not the call if he “needs” something.”
“True. But at the Shabbos table the lingo can be hard to follow.”
“You jump for looseleaf paper??”
“Yes! it’s different when they’re out of the house all day.”
“I jump!”
“I Shipt!” (Son is out-of-town.)
“It’s a way of them knowing you’re there for them for their needs, even if you don’t need to be parenting them on a daily basis.”
“I agree. But it’s so hard! I’m forever driving.”
“It depends on the kid. The one who can’t get it together so he constantly needs things is different. If you have a kid who barely needs anything physical from you, you jump.”
“At this stage it’s the best way to show ❤.”
“This is valuable stuff! The driving is very important. The rides.”
“Also true. I took my 16-year-old driving the other day. He’s itching to drive and doesn’t have that much time to practice. I scored huge mom points, but also got a few new white hairs in the process.”
So, you see? These ways of keeping a connection are very different from what you’d do with your younger children or even your girls, but they work nonetheless.
Excellent post! If you’re looking for things to talk about, try keeping a little list of small things that happen through the day that you may not remember when you finally have some time with your son – previous neighbour has a simcha, cute thing the toddler did/said, interesting new food item you saw or picked up… like that. Especially helpful if your son is learning out of town and you mostly speak on the phone once in awhile. Oh also make sure to update the out of town son when you buy something new, even like dishtowels. They hate coming home to new things, even if small. “No one told me you bought a new ….!” They feel very left out when that happens. And agreed send or bring them even little things that they ask for, if not too difficult. Even if they don’t verbalize beyond a “Thanks Ma” they do like to know they are cared about even when not at home much, and not so needy.
We have this post with talking points to stay connected, and we’ve added it to this post. Thank you for your comment!
My boys are out of town and in order to connect to them when I miss them I just think about them, imagine their faces and send them love from my heart to theirs. I believe that they truly feel it bc they usually call me to say Hi not long after I do this! Also if they call I will always answer and if I can’t talk I say … hi, I’m in the middle of … can I call you back or do you need something important now? This way they feel I’m always there for them. These are just simple ways to connect.
This is really beautiful! Thank you for leaving your comment!
I pick my son up every Thursday night from Yeshiva (we started once he started minyan in elementary and was out longer) and take him to his favorite cholent spot. It is an amazing way to connect and shmooze just with him and we even recently started learning a short sefer together once we get into the driveway. My son (and I look) forward to it all week!
Great post! Another thing to mention- I always encourage my girls to call my son who is out of town. It keeps him close with his sisters, and he feels part of the loop. Even if he complains that he doesn’t want to hear about their politics.
Thanks for this article. i was just mentioning this topic to someone last night. Good to see that I am not the only one. Another thing is- if your son is local and is home every Shabbos, it’s a great time to connect, and not just with you but with the whole family, during Shabbos Seudos, afternoon etc.