He’s a lot of things, but filling the shoes of a BFF might be a lot to expect. How to build real friendship in your marriage—and what to save for your girlfriends.
Did you dream of spending the rest of your life with your Best Friend?
Maybe you are.
And maybe… hubby doesn’t quite match up in the Best Friend department.
His wide-eyed, empathetic listening to your latest carpool drama maxes out at about 3.5 minutes.
He’ll follow along on your favorite nature hikes for a while… but for some reason prefers to read every caption in a deadly boring historical museum.
He’s often absorbed in learning, or paperwork, or his own relaxation when you need help processing your childhood trauma over your overly strict principal and how that affects your attempts to get educational support for Duvi’s ADHD.
You may feel closer to your baby sister, your sem roommate, or even your sheitel lady (who is really a therapist in disguise). So has something gone terribly wrong with your BFF plans?
Friendship in Marriage
So here’s the thing:
Of course marriage should have a strong friendship component. After all, there’s more to a good relationship than coordinating dentist appointments, balancing budgets, and deciding whose turn it is to wash the cholent pot.
Ideally, a good marriage should include fun stuff like
- Enjoying being together
- Laughing over things that only the two of you find funny
- Knowing each other’s stories
- Cheering each other on
- Choosing one another on an ongoing basis
Maybe that feels like a lot to focus on. Maybe it seems impossible when you’re drowning in tantrums and teacher conferences and late-night feedings.
But it’s the thread that holds your connection together. And besides, someday (believe it or not), the kids will grow up and move out and it will be just the 2 of you… enjoying the fruits of the friendship that you built, one emoji text at a time.
So yes, send that picture of your 2-year-old with the zany hairdo created with his mashed potatoes. Bring home his favorite treat “just because.” Send him that secret eye-roll across the room that only the 2 of you will understand, because it’s built on a hundred “this only happens to us” moments across a roller-coaster ride of the everyday insanity of raising a family.
Those tiny moments are the cement that solidifies and deepens your friendship, more than date nights and luxurious vacations.
Why You Still Need Female Friends
But here’s where it gets real.
Don’t expect your husband to be it all.
Of course, you’d love for him to be your therapist on call, shopping partner, parenting consultant, emotional processor, and hobby buddy.
That’s a full-time job for 5 people.
And it’s not fair to expect your husband to fill every one of them.
If you have any brothers, male cousins, neighbors, or single yeshiva guys down the block, you may have noticed something extremely enlightening:
Guys are different from girls.
They relate differently, act differently, spend their free time differently, and overall seem to operate on an entirely separate wavelength from the female race. (Not sure? Surreptitiously observe a group of post-sem girls on Shabbos afternoon, then check out the post-maariv chill in a yeshiva dorm. Actually, don’t – but you get the idea.)
Yet, somehow, we expect young men to magically flip a switch and become the best friend with, of all things, a girl… within 5 seconds of the last “Kol chassan v’kol kallah.”
Plus, can we grant that he is entitled to his own personal preferences, priorities, and inborn personality traits – which may or may not line up with your BFF needs?
So please – do yourself and hubby a favor. Yes, prioritize your marriage. Find opportunities to connect in ways that are meaningful for both of you.
But for the sake of your emotional well-being AND that of your dedicated husband, make sure you put in the time and energy to nurture your female relationships.
It’s OK that your ‘girlfriends’ give you something that your husband can’t or won’t do. In fact, it’s an intentional part of Hashem’s plan for the world.
A call, DMC or coffee date with a sister or friend can work wonders. She can offer perspective, understand your experiences, make you laugh, encourage your growth… with that unique feminine touch that you both share.
Chances are, you’ll come back lighter, happier, and with more emotional bandwidth for your husband.
Believe me, he’ll thank you for it.
How to Build Friendship With Your Husband
Friendship doesn’t require expensive date nights.
It grows through ordinary moments.
Try:
- Ask one curious question instead of discussing logistics (“What was the funniest part of your day?”)
- Create one small ritual (Tea together for 5 minutes, after the kids are asleep)
- Learn something about his interests. (Pay attention to his replay of the coffee-room Trump hock – just because he’s excited about it.)
- Invite him into yours (“Come taste this soup and tell me if it needs more salt.”)
And most of all,
- Be playful.
- Hide a sticky note in his lunch.
- Send a silly selfie.
- Give the squeaky kitchen cabinet its own nickname.
- Build shared memories.
- Try a new walking route.
- Create a code word for “the chaos is drowning us but we’re in this together.”
- Take a spontaneous ice cream run.
Friendship grows from hundreds of little deposits, not one big vacation.
The goal isn’t for your husband to meet every emotional need.
The goal is this:
Nurture a marriage where you genuinely enjoy each other…while also nurturing the women in your life who encourage, support, and enrich you.
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