Is It Him—or the Story You’re Telling Yourself?

Learn a 4-step tool for transforming everyday frustrations.

What I love most about coaching and mentoring women is witnessing the transformation that comes exclusively through changing one’s own actions and words. Sometimes, though, having the right script is not enough. If you’re going through the motions and mouthing the words, but your heart is still holding resentment and judgement, all that negative energy is going to leak through – and your husband will sense it (and so will you!)

That’s why in coaching, we use powerful tools to take a deep dive into the inner self, to mine for emotions and access fresh perspectives and paradigm shifts.

Here’s one tool I learned during my certification training at the Rivka Malka school of Coaching and Transformation. It’s called PIES (you’ll see why in a minute!), and you can try out this simplified version on your own.

It’s Thursday evening. Shaina is in the kitchen, surveying the bags of groceries on the floor and trying to keep 2-year old Benny from sampling the bowl of chocolate cake batter on the counter. It’s been a whirlwind of a day, with carpools, errands, and a few tantrums along the way. She startles at the sound of the key in the door – is it 6:00 already? In walks Nachum, casually going through the pile of mail as he says, “Hi dear – is supper ready? I have a chavrusa in 45 minutes.” Shaina’s wide eyes, raised voice and few choice words signal to him that something has gone terribly awry. 5 minutes later, Nachum has retreated to the couch with a bag of chips, wondering: What on earth just happened?

I’ll bet you’re already nodding along, thinking something along the lines of “serves him right!” or “I totally get you, Shaina!” But let’s take a stroll through the path that got us – or, rather, Shaina – to this point.

If you asked Shaina “what happened”, she might tell you about her husband’s cluelessness, how inconsiderate he is, or her inability to keep up with the demands of motherhood. But let’s break out the ‘P’ step – the Physical reality of the circumstances that started this episode.

What’s Physical?

It’s simply the facts that can be experienced with your 5 senses – something that could be introduced as evidence in a court of law. So, explanations, judgements, motivations and diagnoses are out.

What actually happened?

My husband came into the house, checked the mail, and asked a question: “when is supper going to be ready? I have a chavrusa in 45 minutes.”

Now comes the fun part.

“I” stands for Intellectual.

It’s how my brain interpreted what my senses experienced. AKA: The Story I tell myself.

What story is Shaina telling?

·  My husband is an inconsiderate boor. How could he walk in and see the chaos, and have the nerve to ask me about dinner?

·  I’m such a bad wife! How could I not have dinner ready for my husband? It’s lesson number 1 from seminary!

·  I can’t handle. I just. Can’t. How can I do kids, and shopping, and Shabbos, and dinners – and there’s laundry and cleaning. I’m so stressed and overwhelmed!

Which brings us to “E” – for emotion, of course.

What’s coming up for Shaina now?

It could be

·  Anger, resentment, annoyance

·  Guilt, self-judgement, shame

·  Overwhelm, stress, hopelessness

We don’t want to reject those emotions. We welcome them, sit with them, acknowledge their presence.

Then, take a deep breath. And hit <Pause>.

See what we’ve done here so far?

We are usually conditioned to see our reactions as a natural follow-up from our circumstances. I was stuck in crawling traffic for an hour – of course I’m frazzled. Yitzy spilled his orange juice all over my newly washed floor – that’s why I was angry. My mother-in-law gave me parenting advice again – obviously she’s a controlling, judgmental busy-body.

But what we are seeing is that there is actually an extra step – one that happens so instantaneously and sub-consciously, we are not even aware that it happened:

What’s the story I’m telling myself?

Once Shaina is clear on what’s really going on inside herself in P-I-E, she can progress to the next step and identify: What do I want?

Before you jump in and offer “A husband who swoops in with takeout dinner and cleaning help the moment he senses I’m overwhelmed,” let’s not sell Shaina short. Because it’s rarely the immediate solution that’s really the issue.

“S” stands for Spiritual.

Meaning: What does my Neshama really want, on a deeper level?” And that’s something that will be different for everyone.

What does Shaina want?

Maybe

·  To feel loved and appreciated

·  To feel supported and not alone in her efforts

·  To be organized and structured in her schedule

By turning inward, Shaina can find her inner voice, and clarify what it is that she really wants. Once she realizes that, she can focus on how to fulfill that goal.

What parts of her deep desire can she provide for herself? Where can she reach out for help? Is this about her husband, or something else entirely?

Finally, Shaina comes back to her relationship with her husband. She may choose to share her deep desire with him, but it’s coming now from an entirely different place. Later in the day, or in another similar situation, she may say, “when this and this happened, the story I told myself was X. I know you probably didn’t mean it that way. I realized that I really need Y. Can you provide that / reassure me / preempt those situations in the future by doing Z?”

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Let’s take a quick look at how some other scenarios could possibly play out, using the PIES method as our guide:

Gitty is shopping with Yossi, her 3 year old. He asks for candy, she says no, he has a full-out tantrum, kicking and screaming on the floor. Shaina panics, grabs his arm, and runs out of the store, mortified.

P: Yossi is kicking and screaming on the floor
I: Everyone is watching me and thinks I am a bad mother
E: embarrassment
S: I want to be calm and present for my children. I want to model emotional regulation. I want them to experience calm consequences so that they learn to be healthy adults.

Tzippy is going through a hard time. She and her friend Yael have always supported each other through challenges, but now Yael is not returning her texts and calls. Tzippy is getting increasingly annoyed and is feeling rejected.

P: Yael is not returning my texts or calls when I reach out to her.
I: How can she be unavailable when she knows what I’m going through? Maybe she’s not such a great friend after all. Maybe she was never as close as I thought she was.
E: Anger, sadness, withdrawal
S: I want to be connected to Yael on a deep level. I want to have deep meaningful relationships in my life. I’m concerned about Yael and I want what’s best for her.

Simmy has been trying to lose weight. She struggles to follow the diet her nutritionist set up for, with some success. The N’shei held an elegant dinner, and Simmy held strong, noshing on celery sticks and cut fruit while the creamy pasta and luscious desserts called her name. She got home, went straight to the freezer, and ate ¾ of a tub of ice cream.

P: I ate vegetables and fruit at the dinner. I ate 12 ounces of ice cream at home.
I: I have no self control. I always give in to my desires. If I would have more willpower I would be able to overcome my appetite. I will never succeed in losing weight.
E: disgust, despair, self-criticism
S: I want to love and respect my body. I want to feel comfortable with myself as a multi-faceted person, with strengths and weaknesses. I want to nurture my body with nutritious, wholesome, good-tasting food. I want to respect myself and get the support that I need to reach my goals.

Once you practice this skill, you will find opportunities everywhere. What is the story you’re telling yourself about the snobby neighbor, the overbearing boss, your too-small house, the weather, your sister, your life? What emotion is the story bringing up for you?

And now, are you willing to go deeper

– and see where your neshama’s desire can take you?