Are You a Mother Who Is Endlessly Giving?

Even if you don’t always feel so noticed, this is our essence. And there is Someone keeping track. It’s time that you know it! The proof? is in the olive oil.

Last week, one of my sons was sick in bed for a few days with a wintertime ailment. On the morning that his appetite was starting to return, he got in the mood for a cream cheese sandwich—but not a slice of bread, slathered with cheese in my own kitchen. Rather, he wanted one from the bagel store, loaded with an array of vegetables. My to-do list that day was particularly long, but on that morning, I chose to do not what I had to (prepare a quick sandwich at home as nourishment for the child), but what I wanted to—to go out of my way to express my motherly love. And so, I put my list aside, bundled up the baby, and headed to the store. Between the going, the waiting, and the coming, I spent over an hour on behalf of my son’s lunch that day. 

What if I tell you that later that evening, after having left the kitchen sink overflowing with dishes, I returned half an hour later to find it squeaky clean, scrubbed down to its whitest white, with my son standing there, sponge in hand, saying, “I so appreciate that you went out of your way for me this morning; I figured I’d clean up the kitchen as a token of thanks.” You’d probably be thinking, “Why do these stories only happen to those people? How can it be that they never happen to me?” 

Well, this didn’t happen to me either. While my son did thank me for his much-awaited bagel, he enjoyed his little meal and moved right on. It was I who stood at said overflowing kitchen sink, scrubbing and rubbing while pondering the contents of this article. Hmmm… not the grand ending you were hoping to read about. 

If that was the case, what’s noteworthy at all about this little episode? Isn’t it something all of us mothers do, all of us women do—stretching ourselves this way and that to give everyone in our life our all? We’re all coming to Between Carpools to find out how to enhance the Chanukah for our family, how to be the best mother and wife and sister and friend we can be. So what? Yes, even if it’s something we keep doing on repeat, it’s noteworthy indeed.

And right now, at the neiros Chanukah, is our chance to take a moment, a deep 30-minute pause, and acknowledge that what we’re doing is… huge.

More than that: who we are is huge.

In this moment of pause, when we take a break from doing and focus on just being, it is our time to recognize the greatness of not only our deeds, but what they reveal about us: our beautiful, giving, loving essence.

The world we live in is supremely superficial, a world highly polluted by the influence of Yavan: What you see is what you get. If the end of the story isn’t grand, then why is it worthy of mention at all? 

But we Yidden live on a different plane. We see greatness everywhere, even if our efforts aren’t necessarily celebrated in the here and now. Just because there’s no grand audience breaking into a round of applause every time I stretch myself for a positive purpose, that doesn’t mean my endeavors weren’t noticed. That doesn’t mean that every single effort of ours to cultivate a functional, happy, loving home—our mikdash me’at— isn’t seen.

No positive move, dear sisters, goes unnoticed.

Whether it’s summoning superhuman efforts to be more patient with a nagging child, whether it’s going out of our way to drop off a forgotten lunch at school, whether it’s going that extra mile so our child can have a better chance at succeeding in school—it’s all seen. Because as we invest ourselves in our parenting journeys—many parts of which truly require superhuman strength—our very own Parent, Hakadosh Baruch Hu, is watching it all, noticing every detail. Every time we extend ourselves on behalf of a child, as well as a spouse or anyone else for that matter, and every time we extend ourselves in any area of our avodas Hashem, whether we receive the recognition for it in this world or not,

He’s right there, paying attention.

And every so often, He gives us a glimpse as to how far our stretching can go.

The Chanukah story is one such powerful example. 

Over 2,000 year ago, there lived a pious Kohein Gadol, whose name we don’t even know. And while he was going about his holy avodah in the Beis Hamikdash, he had a desire. “I don’t just want to do what I must,” was his thought process, “I want to do more. I want to stretch myself.” He was in the process of preparing oil for what is known as Minchas Chavitin, a pita-style bread made of flour and water that was fried and eaten along with the Korban Tamid. The kind of oil required for this frying process was regular olive oil, not the very pure kind that was necessary for other parts of the avodah, such as for lighting the menorah. The regular-grade oil was generally prepared from ground olives and was allowed to contain sediments from the fruit. But this anonymous Kohein Gadol wanted to do more for Hashem. He didn’t only do what he had to, but what he wanted to. And so, he chose to prepare pure olive oil, shemen zayis zach, derived from the first squeeze of each olive. He chose to engage in a more tedious process because he wanted to go that extra mile in his service. 

It was that sealed flask of oil, Chazal tell us, that he originally prepared for the purposes of frying, that the Maccabim found in the Beis Hamikdash. It was that flask of oil, which the Kohein Gadol went out of his way to elevate its purity, that qualified to be used in the lighting of the Menorah. 

One Kohein Gadol took the effort to give his avodah his all, to go above and beyond the letter of the law. And thousands of years later, we’re filling our menorahs with pure olive oil to commemorate the miracle that his lifnim mishuras hadin gesture helped facilitate…

For this reason, tells us Rav Rafael Yeshayahu Azulai—the son of the Chid”a, we place such an emphasis on mehadrin min hamehadrin on Chanukah: The entire miracle only came to fruition thanks to the sincere efforts of one Kohein Gadol who chose to stretch himself, to beautify and upgrade his avodas Hashem. “When a Yid chooses to go beyond the call of duty,” the message of Chanukah echoes, “Hashem too, kavyachol, performs miracles that are beyond the laws of nature.” 

In that moment, as he lovingly squeezed olive after olive, it seemed to the Kohein Gadol that his efforts were just between him and Hashem, but look at how its impact reverberates until this day.

Sometimes, we get to see how the efforts we’ve extended toward others or in our avodas Hashem are literally mirrored back toward us. Here’s a super simplistic example, but one that drives the point home.  

Just the other day, I was heading out for a speaking engagement. (The topic I was to address was marriage—best tip to keeping your own in top shape!) Knowing that my husband would probably be home for lunch while I was out, I took the time to cut up a salad for him so he’d have it ready when he got home. Going that extra mile, I roasted some veggies to make the dish more special. Two hours later, I was back home.. and hungry. I opened the fridge to take some cherry tomatoes and peppers (only quick and easy would do), only to find that colorful salad still sitting there. It turned out that my husband hadn’t ended up coming home for his lunch break, and the salad I had prepared was the salad I ended up enjoying—replete with specialties I (unfortunately?) wouldn’t take the time to prepare for myself…

So yes, sometimes, we get a glimpse into the middah k’neged middah system of our good deeds. Other times, we don’t. It’s a world of hester we live in. But what’s our avodah here? To keep remembering that every positive gesture, effort, deed, and thought is certainly noticed in the way that it really matters. With Hashem observing us, we reap much more than a clean sink or a fully loaded salad. We reap eternal reward. 

And you know what else we reap? Connection—borne from the secret known only to us and Him. Doesn’t it feel wonderful to know that Hashem notices it all, that He is the One who recognizes our greatness? It feels even better when we partner with Him in doing so as well. Sitting at the neiros Chanukah, let us take the time to reflect not only about Hashem’s love for us (as discussed here), but also about our own greatness. This is the time to pat ourselves on the back for everything we’ve been doing to bring more of His Shechinah into our home and into this world, how we’ve been emulating that Kohein Gadol in our own lives, giving our mission in this world as the builder of our mikdash our all. As I noted in the letter on Dinner Done’s back page, when we experience our daily life from this perspective—I am creating a dwelling place for the Shechinah and I’m giving it my all—every single one of our seemingly mundane deeds becomes profoundly spiritual. How bright the light of our neshamah shines through every single one of those gestures. 

Want to keep shining all winter long? The next cycle of Project Kindle, Shiffy Friedman’s 10-week self-development course, starts right after Chanukah. Give yourself this priceless Chanukah gift today. Write to kindle@lahavinitiative.org or sign up here. Enter code BCP at checkout for a $25 Chanukah discount!