If you’re packing up–or inviting guests–for Yom Tov, it’s not always easy. Being emotionally prepared to be spending lots of time with family will make your Yom Tov all the more rewarding.
Ten years ago, I wrote about the logistics of moving into your parents’ or in-laws’ home for Yom Tov. Now, after schmoozing it out with my brilliant niece Lea, I think it’s about something deeper.
Recently I reread Shiffy Friedman’s beautiful article about Rus and the delicate, powerful bond between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. It’s a sacred, layered, generational relationship.
I’ve been thinking about one quiet addition to both conversations:
Know the value before you walk in the door.
Let’s say you’re moving into your in-laws for Pesach. You already know certain things may get to you. The Seder conversations may not unfold the way you’d like. The Chol Hamoed plans might feel louder or looser than your parenting style. Comments may land awkwardly. You may feel out of sync.
If you walk in hoping everything will feel natural and seamless, you might find yourself disappointed by day two.
If you walk in anchored, it’s different.
Before you zip the suitcase, ask yourself honestly: Why am I going?
Not the surface answer. The deeper one.
Maybe it’s because you want your children to have a warm, secure relationship with their grandparents.
Maybe you want your husband to laugh with his siblings like he’s 15 again.
Maybe you want to express appreciation to your in-laws who are supporting you financially.
Maybe you want your children to see what honoring parents looks like, even when personalities differ.
That’s the value.
When you enter with clarity about your value, the small frictions don’t disappear — they simply shrink. At some point during the stay, something will get under your skin. It always does. A tone. A decision. A conversation that veers in a direction you wouldn’t choose.
In that moment, instead of sliding into control , instead of sulking or, you can quietly take a minute — physically or mentally — and realign.
“I am here because I value ______.”
Fill in the blank. Say it slowly.
When you reconnect to that sentence, your behavior follows your value. You may not love every moment. You may not agree with everything. You choose to act in alignment with what matters most to you.
You choose to come out a winner.
Not a winner because you corrected the conversation.
Not a winner because you proved your point.
A winner because you stayed anchored to your standards of dignity and self-control.
It also helps to remember that no moment lasts forever. This holiday season — like every intense moment — will pass. Soon you’ll be back in your own cozy home, and you’ll be proud you acted with grace.
And cheer yourself on.
No one may notice the restraint you showed. No one may applaud the inner work it took to stay gracious. You will know, and that quiet self-respect carries you forward.
If you know your why, you’re steadier with your how.
You’re not going because it’s flawless. You’re not going because it perfectly reflects your taste or style or standards. You’re going because it holds value.
When your children watch you show up with dignity they learn something far more powerful than how to run a Seder or plan a trip. They learn that sometimes, we stretch for what we value. They learn how to honor relationships across generations.
That stretch is not weakness.
It’s strength.
I love this! It works well for those of us who choose to stay home but wish we could be closer to more family.
Honestly, it isn’t about values at all – we are going to my in-laws because of technical, financial, logistical reasons….
Should I “create” some value-based reason?
If you’re happy to go, and you’re going happily, great it works!!
If you’re going resentfully, you may stand a greater chance at a beautiful Chag by creating a value
Love!! (except the financial support line >:(
Kibbud av v’eim for your in-laws and parents is anchored in BASIC, SIMPLE, OBVIOUS hakaras hatov!!!!
Your parents gave you your life!
Your in-laws gave you your husband!
Do we need more than that?!?!?
100%—you’re absolutely right. Let me clarify what I meant.
If a young woman finds it challenging to feel gracious toward her in-laws for various, very valid reasons, and she’s genuinely looking to grow and become the best version of herself, she can choose to anchor herself in the value of hakaras hatov.
And you’re right—that idea can stand on its own.
Very nice piece. How can someone get in touch with you?
Please email hello @ betweencarpools.com and BCP will connect us. Thank you!
Flip it around,works perfectly for parents and inlaws being hosted on their children’s homes!! CHAG SAMEACH
What a great point – thank you auntie
I’m not at that stage yet and I appreciate the wisdom you share with me always
OMG!!!!! love love love!! i have such a hard time going to my inlaws they are so different from the way i grew up!!! this will give me such much needed chizuk and strength!!!
Thanks for taking the time to comment so kindly
Means the world to us authors
Good luck and Gut Yom Tov
PS Come back and share your victory after
This is so helpful and practical! Thank you!
Glad you think so
ella this is magnificently written and so elegantly and eloquently conveyed. thank you for sharing your gentle wisdom and much-needed perspective. needed this reframe for yt!
Thank you so much
Wishing you and all of us a glorious Yom Tov
I enjoyed this piece! Short, to the point and powerful
Thank you for the feedback
Have a wonderful Chag
What an amazing article! I hope to use your advice. May Hashem bentch you for helping people have a enjoyable yom tov and maintaining shalom.
Amen thanks so much for your warm words
Good Yom Tov
Truly appreciated. Looking forward to sharing victories!