It’s a time when we’re not really sure what to do or how to be helpful. These were the acts my family appreciated; someone you know might too.
- Right after the levaya, someone asked us to forward to her some images of my father. She ran to a local store to have them printed out. It was so meaningful; we kept the photos handy and it was very comforting to show them around. People really got to remember and see photos and memories of the niftar.
- A neighbor dropped off a large Thermos with freshly brewed hot coffee each morning. She’d come pick it up at night and refill it in morning. It stayed piping hot all day.
- There are lots of halachos that we were unfamiliar with. A friend dropped off a book with all the halachos of mourning and it was very helpful.
- A friend brought over a beautiful lucite pushka that had my father’s name engraved in it, and it has a place to insert a photo. It’s one of my favorite gifts that gets used every day.
- Friends sent dinner to our families at home, not just the shiva house.
- The Neshamah Should Have an Aliyah is a book that would be appreciated; it’s very comforting to have right after a loss.
- I found cards, and follow up texts so comforting, even if the person has already visited. It’s something tangible to read again and again.
- It’s important for teens/kids, if accommodations work out, to spend some time at the shiva house for a grandparent. It’s very important they grieve and be part of the shiva process. Most of the time they are home helping out. If you can find some time that they can just sit and listen and be around the comforters it does a lot for them.
- Start a whatsapp chat with your family called MEMORIES and fwd all messages, photos, cards and comments to that chat. It’s something you continue adding to down line and it’s a great dedicated space to go to when you want to relive memories.
Do you have any tips of what to say or do for those sitting shiva? Post them here.
Having dinner brought by for a few weeks after a loss (especially if sudden/very traumatic) can be extremely comforting, especially if the person in aveilus has a family to care for. Dealing with personal grief, on top of guilt for not being able to care for those that typically rely on you, is doubly difficult. Those extra meals, or gift cards for take-out meals (Uber-eats cards or the like) are SO appreciated. I’ll also second how nice it was when someone brought over a book about the halachos of aveilus. There are so many new halachos that come up (especially if it’s the first close-relative lost) coupled with the nuances of grief and sometimes complicated family dynamics, that having an easy resource to access is so nice. Also, it was so nice when ‘random’ people came to pay a shiva call. I know it’s more of a personal preference but for someone who I’m not as close with to make the time in their busy schedule to come, it was just so comforting. So don’t think “eh, I’m not so close with them, I probably shouldn’t even go”. There is such a Nechama to having people surround you with caring and love at that time of sadness/loneliness. As someone who experienced a recent loss, thank you so much for posting this article!! Tizku l’mitzvos!!
If the shiva house is well taken care of, look to the local family(s) of those sitting shiva. Besides for suppers as mentioned (just make sure it’s things the kids will eat! Ordering pizza can be great too), find out what else is needed. One friend’s husband, upon hearing that my 3rd grade son really wanted to be at all the minyanim, took it upon himself to drive him there and back each day. It was so important to my son, and such a big help. Perhaps a school project is due, a Purim costume needs finishing, a trip or gathering is happening and child needs to know about it/get a ride (if ok to go), pre-camp errands/packing them up, offer to do laundry or errands, pick up groceries…. these “little” things can mean so much to the family, especially at a time when things are not usual.
I love that the focus here is on what TO say/do, not what NOT to say/do.
Does anyone know where I could get a pushka like the one described?
https://waterdalecollection.com/search?type=product&options%5Bprefix%5D=none&q=tzedakah&options%5Bprefix%5D=last?aff=5
I bought this book for my kids when my f-i-l was niftar…it really broke it down for them. https://www.chevrahlomdeimishnah.org/product/i-lost-someone-special-by-bracha-goetz/
Another very nice thing to do is call/text the avel a few days after the levaya, and then again once in awhile. Of course depends on your relationship, and not everyone wants to get heavy at any moment, but after all the focus of the shiva week, it can be very lonely to be left alone after. Knowing that someone is thinking of you and remembers your lost loved one is very meaningful and supportive. Just “Hi, thinking of you 🙂 I’m here if you want to talk or grab a coffee or whatever”. She may not be up to responding and that’s ok. I have one very thoughtful friend, someone I’m not even that close to, who has taken it upon herself to keep track of yuhrtzeits, and call the person each year. As time goes by, people forget, and hearing that someone took the time to remember is incredible!
People are so good! So beyond thoughtful of a friend to keep track of the yuhrtzeits!
I was surprised how difficult the shloshim period was- everyone was so there during shiva with meals and snacks. I felt very lost during shloshim and random pots of soup and cups of coffee during this period was soooo appreciated. Also texts that ended in a period versus a question mark – not how are you? But I’m thinking of you.
Validating that the grief process continues- chagim , first birthdays and smachot are especially difficult
If I’m at a wedding or a Simcha and I know one of my friends is missing it because she’s “in the year” , ill send some pics of the event and tell her we missed having her here with us tonight.
So thoughtful! Love that.
From having sat shiva recently, I most appreciated people who asked about the niftar. “Please share a middah he excelled at or something we can learn from him.” If you aren’t so close and/or didn’t know the niftar, then keep your visit short. If the avel says something like “It’s so late,” or “I’m tired,” then it’s time to go home! Also, post shiva it was really helpful when people who had been there before shared about their grief. Like, it’s normal to experience stronger grief around the yom tovim. Or it’s OK to still break down and cry unexpectedly, even months later. And what helped them process their grief (talking, journaling, a project l’ilui nishmas).
This is so true. Having recently gotten up from shiva I realize that the best thing to say is “id love to hear about your father/mother/ etc”. Also close friends called the schools my kids go to to inform them of the situation so everyone was on board. That was such a help.
So true! It just reminded me of a neighbor that asked “Tell me something special about him…!” It meant so much!
That’s so interesting. I personally hated when people said “tell me something about your father” I felt like it put the onus on me to put all the mailos into 5 sentences or less. I really guess all this is personal preference but I appreciated it a lot more when people opened it up with “I heard your father was such a special person he did xyz “ and then it lets the avel decide whether or not they want to elaborate.
Yes! many think that you should ask the avel to tell you about the niftar, but it is sometimes so exhausting to do that. But then I felt guilty how can I not say something nice about my mother!
Shaindy, so sorry for your loss.
I sat shiva 3 months ago, and one friend brought a pitcher of a healthy fruit shake for us early one morning. Was probably the only thing we can get down that week.. any healthy quick items were so appreciated.
At my grandmother’s levaya it was pouring with rain and the men who went to the actual cemetery got their shoes really muddy. One of the neighbors, without saying anything to us, came in, took the shoes, cleaned them, and returned them to us an hour later. It was so simple yet so thoughtful. You don’t have to do the biggest or more exciting thing to help out a grieving family. The little things are just as important.
I don’t know if anyone will see these comments anymore as this is an old post but having just gotten up from shiva I feel this is important. Most people were sensitive and special and wonderful. My friends sent food all week to my family and offered rides and babysitting. It really got us through. Another sibling who’s younger and has a bunch of younger kids was really floundering. Her sisters in law and friends came each evening and stayed and stayed and stayed. Even when her baby was screamed from exhaustion. Bad enough that not one person said- go take care of your baby or offered to make him a bottle. But where is the sensitivity not to stay for long when the person is clearly stressed? I know that young parents are stressed and it’s hard to offer help but realize that more than helping a kimpeturin, a person sitting is in dire need of help. And unlike having a baby, her entire family is unable to help and she usually couldn’t plan ahead. One last thing- a huge favor is to offer a young mother sitting shiva to help her with her laundry and that her kids have clean uniforms…. May we be zoche to share in only simchos
So sorry for your recent loss. Thanks for sharing these helpful suggestions.