We’ve got all your reasons. Now, see why you should still thank your husband despite them.
You know how sometimes you finally get a moment to yourself—maybe the baby’s asleep, the soup is simmering, and you sit down with a magazine—only to realize… you left the laundry in the machine two days ago?
Yeah. Marriage is kind of like that too. We’re busy, distracted, juggling 72 things, and the one thing that often slips through the cracks is appreciation.
And yet, it’s one of the most powerful tools we have.
Sure, we know it’s a good thing to say thank you. It creates warm feelings. It builds connection. And let’s be honest—we love it when someone appreciates us, right?
But when it comes to our husbands… somehow, it slides. We forget. Or we assume it’s not necessary. Or we have a laundry list of reasons why it’s just not the time.
And that’s where we make our biggest mistake.
Because for men?
Appreciation is the steam that runs their engine. The gas in their tank. The triple fudge sundae on the motivation-for-repeat-behavior rating scale.
Why?
Because a man is wired to be a Mashpia – a provider. So when his efforts are appreciated, it sets up that feedback loop to his brain: I am succeeding in my mission. Which not only motivates him to repeat similar behaviors, but strengthens his Mashpia muscles and brings out the best in him – and your relationship.
Let’s explore what holds us back—and how to shift it.
Excuse #1:
“I do so much more than him, and he doesn’t thank me!”
This is a doozy, isn’t it? It feels so unfair.
You’re folding laundry at midnight, ordering uniforms in three sizes because someone grew three inches overnight, and packing lunches that will inevitably come back uneaten—and he doesn’t notice any of it. So why should you be the one dishing out gratitude?
Here’s the thing: when appreciation becomes a power struggle—“I’m not thanking him unless he thanks me first”—everyone loses.
Think of appreciation not as a reward he has to earn, but as a seed you plant. It won’t always sprout overnight, but more often than not, it grows. When your husband feels seen and valued, he’s more likely to reciprocate.
Want a shortcut?
Try this:
“Thanks for holding the baby while I finished making supper. It made it so much easier for me to get it done and stay calm.”
Watch what happens next.
Excuse #2:
“If I thank him for helping, he’ll think it’s optional and stop doing it.”
Oh, this one’s sneaky.
It’s rooted in our experience that enthusiastic thanks means “Awwww – you didn’t really have to” – that it’s only for the extra, over-the-top stuff. So the corollary would be: if we thank him too much, he’ll think he’s off the hook next time.
Let’s clear this one up:
This is how women think. Not men.
In the male brain, appreciation translates as, “That felt good. I want to do more of that.”
So yes, say thank you when he wipes the counter, takes out the garbage, or carries the groceries from the car. Feel free to add a big smile, too.
Excuse #3:
“If I thank him for the little he does, he’ll think that’s enough.”
Let’s be honest—this one feels logical.
Why would he put away the leftovers, sweep the floor, and take out the trash, when just putting his own plate in the sink earns him applause?
Here’s why: appreciation builds momentum.
It’s counterintuitive, but the more someone feels like a success, the more they want to do. Feeling appreciated for doing something doesn’t make men lazy—it makes them feel competent.
And when a man feels competent? He’ll go above and beyond.
But there’s a caveat.
If your appreciation sounds like this:
“Thanks for clearing the table—but can you also sweep the floor?”
You’ve just erased the compliment.
Let appreciation stand on its own.
Excuse #4:
“It’s his house, his food, his kids too—why should I thank him?”
Fair point. He’s not doing you a favor by parenting his own children or taking care of his home.
But here’s what we miss: for most men, this is not their primary tafkid.
Remember – your husband is wired to be a Mashpia. His strength lies in leading, providing, doing in the big outside world and bringing the fruits of his labor – both physical and spiritual – into the home of his family.
Sure, he’s perfectly capable of pitching in with bath time and clean-up chores. And you are certainly entitled to ask for the help that you need. But acknowledging that this is probably not his area of expertise, and does not come to him naturally, will create a different energy in your requests – and give you a different perspective on just how far your appreciation goes.
Excuse #5:
“I don’t want to stoke his ego.”
Ah, the fear of inflating the ego.
Somewhere along the way, many women internalized the belief that a man’s ego is dangerous. That giving admiration is like giving a match to a pyromaniac.
But here’s the truth: a healthy ego isn’t a threat. It’s a need.
The male need for respect and admiration is just as real as a woman’s need for love and affection. When you withhold appreciation to “keep him humble,” you’re actually starving his neshama of something vital.
Think of it like this: You’d want your husband to buy you a gift for your birthday. To reassure you when you are sad or worried. To tell you you’re a great mother.
And what he wants most from you is your admiration and approval.
Try this:
“I really respect the way you handled that phone call with your employee. You were so calm and clear.”
Watch what happens. (Hint: It won’t be arrogance.)
Taking it home
Appreciation isn’t a chore. It’s a gift. One that grows when you give it.
Start with something small today. One genuine thank you. One admiring glance. One recognition of effort. Don’t forget to add a big smile!
And if you’re wondering if it’s worth it?
Try it and see.
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