How to Communicate Effectively with Your Child’s School

Whether it’s your child’s teacher or the hanhallah, there are effective ways to handle anything which may come up.

This is it! Yom tov season is over, and now we are in it for the long haul at school. And not always does that long haul go so easily. As a volunteer at the Nefesh Achas helpline, my goal is to help parents navigate conflicts between parents and their child’s school. Obviously, though, it would be even better to avoid conflict altogether! Here are some basic tips that we find to be the most effective.

1. Do not call in a moment of rage. 

Your child comes home with some crazy story. Or, the teacher calls with something even worse. A friend asks, “Did you hear what happened today??” Call your mom, your husband, your therapist. Do not call the teacher/principal. You will deal with it when you are rational again.

2. Speak to others how you would like to be spoken to.

Here’s something  to remember. Teachers and principals are people. They may have made a mistake. Maybe even a really really bad one, but they don’t want to be attacked, or belittled for it. Handle with care.

3. Speak with confidence. 

It’s scary to speak up for your child. Your concerns might be downplayed, dismissed, or worse–belittled, but you’re your child’s only advocate. The teacher/principal has a whole class or school to consider. You will be the only one there for your child.  

4. But don’t be defensive.  

This usually comes across as attacking, especially in cases where a teacher already feels threatened (by you or by your child). Use good listening skills, kind words, and empathy to explain your perspective. 

5. Write down your goals.

This is important for you to remember when anticipating an emotionally charged phone call. Things can get heated up. You might start to doubt yourself or get confused about why you called. Having it written down for you to refer back to helps re-route the conversation and bring it back to your goal.

6. Align yourself with the teacher. 

Theoretically, you both have the same goal–for your child to succeed. Sometimes that goal can get lost when the teacher/principal is dealing with so many other things. When you show the teacher empathy for what they are going through, and remind them that you are working together, and that you both really want what is best for your child, the results are excellent. An example of how this would look is something like this: Mother calls teacher because student was punished unfairly. The teacher defends herself saying that the student always talks in class and is disruptive. Mom responds: I had no idea she was being disruptive! I feel terrible and I’m definitely going to talk to her about it. About yesterday’s incident, how can we give over the message that she needs to stop disrupting the class, and also that there is fairness and safety?

7. Don’t go overboard with #6, as in Don’t reveal your child’s flaws to the teacher. 

S/He might not have even noticed them. If you volunteer that “my son is so dreamy. I can’t get him to listen at home either,” the teacher might be tempted to give up on your child. Why should they have to put up with this sort of behavior when the mother barely can handle him?

8. Don’t forget who’s really in charge. 

As upsetting as the situation is, it’s important to remember that this was part of Hashem’s plan for you and for your child. Daven for the strength to be there for your child, for the right words to accomplish what you need them to accomplish and use this challenge as teachable moments. 

Good luck communicating. You got this Mama!